Monday, October 06, 2008

Pissed Off Caffeine Rant

Welcome. To. The. Gods. Are. Bored. Arrrrghgghghghg! Too. Much. TaB. Cola. Three. Cups. Of. Tea. Equals. Anxiety. Attack.

Sometimes I can get cranked on caffeine to such an extent that I begin to ponder my mortality with a great deal of trepidation.

The Spare and I are reading a book about Hiroshima for her Language Arts class, and that right there is enough to get me going. I think deep in every atheist lurks a believer in immortality, and deep in every religious person lurks a scientific rationalist. You just can't sail towards death without a chill.

The tonic for moments like this is to focus on something in the here and now that will piss you off. Just can't laugh and throw on the big, broad, flexible outlook after three cups of tea and a can of TaB. It's anger or anxiety. Nothing else.

So I'm pissed off.

Mr. Johnson has a grandmother still living -- she is 94 years old. She went to the doctor recently for a checkup, and he told her that most 40-year-olds would kill for her numbers. She comes from a longevity gene. Her own mother lived to be over 100.

This is not the precise view from Granny Johnson's house, but it's a close enough approximation. Back in the early 1950s she scrimped and saved and worked her fingers to the bone so she could buy a little waterfront property. And she bought a doozie, a fabulous lot on the Severn River about six miles from Annapolis, Maryland.

I'm not much of a Chesapeake Bay person, having grown up in the mountains. But there's something to be said for strolling out on the pier, pulling up the crab traps, emptying them into a pot, and steaming your supper. And eating it on the picnic table on the beach, as the cruise ships out of Annapolis float by, filled to the plimsol line with tourists who wish they were you.

Healthy 94-year-old Granny has a gorgeous place. But she turned her power of attorney over to her son. (Not Mr. Johnson's dad) And this son wants to put Granny in a home.

Son says Granny's running out of money. He even cancelled her daily newspaper ... the one she read religiously, looking for grocery bargains and gossip.

Not surprisingly, Granny doesn't want to go live in a nursing home. Almost no one does, but certainly no one does who has a waterfront property to die for like Granny's.

The bored gods know that this is no time to be seeking any kind of mortgage. But for the love of fruit flies! What bank wouldn't give a 94-year-old a reverse mortgage on prime waterfront 40 miles from Washington, DC? Granny paid off the property long ago. She owns it free and clear!

One thing Granny doesn't qualify for, of course, is state aid. No wonder! She's a millionaire! But Son has not tried to find Granny any kind of volunteer visitor service (we've got a huge one here in Snobville). He moans about having to go see her to pay her bills, because he wants to take cruises with other peppy young retirees like himself. And he won't even consider a reverse mortgage or an equity line of credit. It's shove Granny into a home and sell the place, or nothing.

Last night Son yelled at Mr. Johnson's mom because Mr. Johnson's mom can't take Granny in for a few weeks just now. The funny thing is, Granny doesn't want to be taken in. Gee. I wonder why. SHE LIVES ON HIGH END WATERFRONT, THAT'S WHY! Why would she want to go spend weeks in a cramped condo with a daughter who's sicker than she is?

The moral of this rant is: Do everything you can to keep your loved on in his or her own home for as long as is humanly and safely possible. Because the clock is ticking, and your turn is coming, and your kids are watching how you treat Granny.

In this case, Granny's evil Son has no children. Which is even better, because when his day comes to move into the nursing home, no one will even go to see him. Why should they? I hope he likes stewed prunes and Jeopardy. Rat's bastard.


Lavanah said...

Anne, my grandmother is 96 and still lives in her own home. Woe be it to any of her descendants to suggest her leaving it. Hell, she doesn't even want any of them moving in with her (although coming over for lunch is good). I want to grow up like her.

Can your Mr. Johnson and Granny take a look at the power of attorney paperwork?

Anne Johnson said...

Mr. Johnson plans to let Granny know that she can call upon him to help keep her in her home. They will be getting together later this month.

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yellowdog granny said...

you'd have to drive a stake thru my heart to get me to let one of my kids be in control of my home, or money..them greedy little bastids would be shipping me off so fast my head would swivel like the kid in the exorist...
next thing?...get off the tab. i'll send you some dublin dr'll never go back..

BBC said...

I think deep in every atheist lurks a believer in immortality,

It's omnipresence, just being a part of the omnipresent spirit, don't make it all so complicated.

If you drink more than one soda a month you are drinking way to much soda.

Helen is 86 and still sharp enough, but her legs are shot. At least I have her letting me push her around in a wheeled chair some now.

I'm not leaving my kids a damn thing.

Anonymous said...

anne johnson:

My brother lived on the Severn for a number of years, his property was not so scenic, but t'weren't bad.

How do nice folks wind up with asshat children?

I still drink coffee, decaffe or regular, seems to make no difference to me--of course I take an Adderall generic so how could I tell, anyway.

I'm becoming more of an atheist with each day that brings me another touch of KKKristian love.

Good luck to Granny, can't she just change her power of attorney?


Anne Johnson said...

I have drunk at least one soft drink every day since I was 13. I will go to my grave drinking soft drinks, preferably caffeinated ones. If soft drinks kill me, well, something's gotta kill me. I am in two pro-TaB groups on Facebook ... and proud of it.

mrsb said...

Poor Granny! I hope she lets Mr. J. help her keep her house. Boo to greedy relatives who make old folks miserable!

Hillbilly Fairy said...

have you tried the new vanilla coke zero. oh my god.
some people don't mind the idea of living in a home... like my mom who i think imagines it will be like a luxury cruise without the waves. but if you want to stay in your home, and you're well and able you should by god be able to! i hope everything works out.

WyrrdWitch said...

"The tonic for moments like this is to focus on something in the here and now that will piss you off."

I love pure truth!!!

kittent said...

Have Granny get a good lawyer and revoke asshat son's Power of Attorney. Fight this.

Son says Granny's running out of money. He even cancelled her daily newspaper ... the one she read religiously, looking for grocery bargains and gossip.

This statement sounds like a load of crap. Not only that, it borders on elder abuse. You and Granny should sic the authorities on him. I KNOW that Maryland has services that can help. Mr. Johnson, Mr. Johnson's mon and dad and Mr. Johnson's Granny should take charge.

Bright blessings on Granny.