Monday, October 13, 2008

Another Big Fat Headache

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," laughing through the Apocalypse, lounging through Armageddon, roaring through Revelation! Take that, St. John! You're loonier than me.

Today we descend to a new level of paranoia altogether. Think it's not possible? Sorry. It is.

When you get a titanium implant in your hip, you can no longer go through airport security without setting off every bell and whistle in the place. So the government issues you a wallet card that gets you through the checkout line without having to pass the scanner.

My physical therapist tells me I'll get one of these cards, and I'd better guard it with my life.

Yes, readers. Some little old lady who had a hip replacement found her purse burgled. The only thing taken was the airport security card. Not her credit cards, not her driver's license, nada. Just that "get-thru-the-airport-free" card.

This is not urban legend. This was one of my PT's clients. When she reported the card stolen, the Secret Service came to her house. I'm sure she's probably being watched now as closely as some mafia don up north. A little old lady!

Do I need another big fat headache? Where do I hide a card that is golden to a terrorist? I'm not gonna spend $125 a year for a safe deposit box. We closed ours down when it got that expensive.

Maybe I'll laminate it and put it in the toilet tank. Or tape it to the bottom of the cat box. Or bury it in the backyard next to the dead gerbils.

One more gory little detail of life in George Bush's America.


yellowdog granny said...

i'd insert it where the sun doesn't shine
and tell them to find it when you go thru the gates...snicker*

BBC said...

Hon, it's not just his America, and America did this to itself. And don't expect Obama to be able to fix it because that isn't going to happen. America is a failed experiment and that is all there is to it.

I'm not sure how old you are but you seem a bit young for metal in you. I'm sixty-five, as you must know, and there isn't an ounce in me. But I do have good genes.

However I am being operated on for a hernia on Halloween. No big deal, it's just a flaw in the human body that will be corrected by science someday.

Were it not for science you might be in in a really bad spot right now. It's why I keep saying that god is a scientist.

I also keep saying that god is just a word that isn't going to go away, that god is just a spirit, of this planet.

Oh hell, never mind.

mrsb said...

The metal in my back doesn't set off the airport alarms, thank goodness. Not sure what it's made out of (it was put in when I was twelve, so it's about....a floppity jillion years old).

You'd think instead of giving you a card that could be lost, they'd have some sort of national "I set off alarms with my body" list for the airports or something.

It's probably easier to make a fake card then hack the airport computers (at least I really hope it is!).

beweaver said...

My dad has an insulin pump and the same problems. Where do you hide your passport? I'd put it with that myself. In the pantry, taped to the bottom of the old coffee pot. And then forget where the heck I put it.

Bury it in the backyard with all your paper money. ;-)

Pom said...

My 82 year old blind and oxygen dependent grandmother won't come see me thanks to security hassles at the airport. Family values my rear end!

Perhaps you could get the card tattooed on? No, that wouldn't work, they'd assume it was a forgery anyway.. What about laminate it, put it on a lanyard and wear it all of the time?