Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," laughing through the Apocalypse, lounging through Armageddon, roaring through Revelation! Take that, St. John! You're loonier than me.
Today we descend to a new level of paranoia altogether. Think it's not possible? Sorry. It is.
When you get a titanium implant in your hip, you can no longer go through airport security without setting off every bell and whistle in the place. So the government issues you a wallet card that gets you through the checkout line without having to pass the scanner.
My physical therapist tells me I'll get one of these cards, and I'd better guard it with my life.
Yes, readers. Some little old lady who had a hip replacement found her purse burgled. The only thing taken was the airport security card. Not her credit cards, not her driver's license, nada. Just that "get-thru-the-airport-free" card.
This is not urban legend. This was one of my PT's clients. When she reported the card stolen, the Secret Service came to her house. I'm sure she's probably being watched now as closely as some mafia don up north. A little old lady!
Do I need another big fat headache? Where do I hide a card that is golden to a terrorist? I'm not gonna spend $125 a year for a safe deposit box. We closed ours down when it got that expensive.
Maybe I'll laminate it and put it in the toilet tank. Or tape it to the bottom of the cat box. Or bury it in the backyard next to the dead gerbils.
One more gory little detail of life in George Bush's America.