Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
I once saw this tear-jerking Christmas special about a little boy in the ghetto who started feeding a stray cat secretly. His mom said they couldn't have a cat in their apartment. So the kid develops this sweet relationship with the cat, and what do you think happens? Cat gets flattened by a semi.
Then the kid can't cry about it because his mom told him not to feed the cat in the first place.
It's kind of the same thing when your beloved first born wrecks your beloved bumper-sticker-plastered jalopy. Can't take on too hard about the car that's enshrined in your heart, because of course the daughter is enshrined even deeper.
But damn, my dear little car!
This was, I'm sure, the only car I'll ever have that I chose entirely by myself. I got her from a church lady who'd used her solely to commute to work and back (about 12 miles a day). The car was an economy Ford, immaculately maintained, with no deep secrets buried under the hood. Because she was old, she didn't mind liberal embellishment with bumper stickers.
Say what you want about American cars, but I drove my Ford five years with just routine maintenance. Pretty solid for a $3000 investment.
For my own fading memory, I hereby list "Trusty's" bumper sticker collection, because the bored gods know that any replacement auto (chosen with Mr. Johnson's emphatic feedback) will be too classy for such stuff.
Ford 1994 Escort hatchback LX
Interior: gray fabric
Exterior: faded white
Embellishments (i.e. bumper stickers)
Sprawl-Mart: Always Low Wages
The Labor Movement: The People Who Brought You the Weekend
Fourth Amendment to the Constitution (illegal search and seizure)
Tinker Bell: What are YOU looking at? (next to 4th Amendment)
First Amendment to the Constitution (Establishment Clause)
My Karma Ran Over My Dogma
I (heart) Turkey Vultures
It's a Druid Thing
Create the World You Want To See
APL (also Appalachia)
The turkey vulture one had a buzzard inside the heart.
Okay. My daughter's fine, and I'm so happy about that. But can I still mourn my car?
THE MERLIN OF TURKEY VULTURES
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
What? A Druid with a faith-based initiative? Yeppers, it's called Save Terrapin Run. I don't see why the federal government won't give us money to preserve a clean little stream and all its innocent critters from an evil developer. Shouldn't Right to Life extend to crawdads?
Federal funding for faith-based initiatives. Hey, Librarian of Congress! Give me that copy of the U.S. Constitution so I can take my scissors to the First Amendment!
I do have a super-duper suggestion for the Roman Catholic Church. They will be issuing indulgences this summer to their members who don't crave long, boring eons in Purgatory. Quite nice of them, don't you think? Now you really can buy the stairway to heaven.
So let's get a federal grant for all the Roman Catholics who want to take advantage of the indulgence initiative. Because, you know, the priests say there's no money involved, but the indulgee has to go to a shrine. You think when the indulgee gets to the shrine, no one's gonna ask for a donation?
Here's my solution. The Catholic Church should apply for a federal grant that will give poor Catholics bus fare and spending money for their indulgences. It's a win-win situation. Indulged Catholics make better voters, and clearly the government doesn't need the money for anything else or it wouldn't be dumping largesse on religious organizations.
As usual, this advice is offered free of charge.
Now I've got to go finish my grant proposal. It's called "Application by Order of Bards, Ovates, and Druids for Ecological Research and Non-Development of Dry Branch Stream Beds in Appalachia and Other Mountainous Regions."
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Hecate has tagged me to list eight random facts about myself.
1. I love to write.
2. I started this blog because I read in the newspaper that a lady with a blog got enough money from her readers to get surgery for her sick dog. Funny thing is, I don't have a dog.
3. I've had the same pair of prescription sunglasses for five years. The faeries have hidden them from me 1, 826 times.
4. I have impure thoughts but I don't act on them. It's against my religion.
5. If I could go back in time for one day, I'd choose the evening when my grandpa had all his brothers and sisters over, and we watched slides of Uncle Walter's milk cows for two hours. (He said he was bringing slides of his trip to the Grand Canyon.) Every time a new cow picture came up on the screen we all hooted. Never had so much fun.
6. I love to watch snow fall.
7. My daemon's name is Buzzy.
8. Last week I was leafing through a copy of Brian Froud's Sketchbook, and I saw the faerie I used to play with when I was a kid, before Buzzy came along. The faerie's name is Oot (pronounced "ewt").
Thank you for visiting me at "The Gods Are Bored!" I look forward to entertaining you every day. It's not work, it's play.
Following my usual path, I now tag half Appalachians and half Pagans. Appalachians: Rosie, Wandering Hillbilly, Elvis, and Kayak Dave.
Pagans: Scott, Athana, and Nettle.
THE MERLIN, etc.etc.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Wow. No wonder Dogson ... err ... Dobson rails against us! We're spooky! And forget about kittens! We want virgins! Human sacrifice! Especially on our spookiest day, Halloween!
Oh, pleeeeeze. What moron's lively imagination conjured up this wackadoo horse piffle?
I pity the trees that got pulped for this garbage.
Can I speak for Druids everywhere? I think so. We are peace-loving and highly moral people. As for Satan, he belongs to their pantheon, not ours. Stop passing him off on us.
I close with
No, can't resist an EXHIBIT B:
Casey Jones, Foster Kitten NOT SLAUGHTERED
ANNE, THE EVER-SO-NOT-CREEPY MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
Friday, June 22, 2007
Where are you going on summer vacation?
We at "The Gods Are Bored" have taken some long, strange summer vacations. As a teenager, we spent three whole summers in Tudor England with King Henry VII and his six wives, and his daughter, Queen Elizabeth.
Today, just for instance, we took yet another little trip to Dayton, Tennessee, for another walk-through of the Scopes Monkey Trial. (We can tell the heat is really getting to William Jennings Bryan.)
Many many times over the last 15 years, we at "The Gods Are Bored" have spent the summer in the Middle Ages, agonizing with the Knights Templar through their little adventure in illegal search and seizure, denial of habeus corpus, confessions under torture, and interminable prison sentences without benefit of trial.
Heck, we don't have to go back to the Middle Ages for that stuff anymore, do we? We at "The Gods Are Bored" will save a fortune in time machine fares!
Every summer we at "The Gods Are Bored" take a pleasant romp through Florida with extreme environmentalists and their enemies, the gutless power brokers who want to pave everything with asphalt. We can thank the peerless Carl Hiaasen for booking these trips.
This summer we're also vowing to rejoin W. Y. Evans-Wentz on his mission of exploration of The Fairy Faith in Celtic Countries. We've gotten as far as Brittany.
If you don't get what we're getting at here, it's this: Why drag your tired ass onto a plane? Find a recliner, grab the book in one hand and an ice tea in the other, and you're in the Everglades at the discount price of $18.95!
Carl Hiiasen, Nature Girl, Knopf, 2006.
W. Y. Evans-Wentz, The Fairy Faith in Celtic Countries, Citadel Press, 1994.
Anne Johnson, Gray Magic, coming soon to a blog near you.
MOM FIRST, THEN DRUID
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Something odd is happening to me. Namely, I'm starting to like living in New Jersey.
Go ahead, call the guys in the white coats, because I don't believe it either.
I've lived in New Jersey for 23 years. That makes this state my place of residence for the bulk of my life. Yougoddaproblem widdat?
See? I don't even talk Appalachian anymore. I pick it up again when I visit home, but I used to carry my accent with me allatime.
"Home." Ahhh, that word! New Jersey, home? Ick!
Except when I go home, it's no longer there. The farmlands are covered with McMansions, the highways are tangled bumper-to-bumper nightmares, all of my kin except my sister and a handful of cousins are gone. My uncle resides at the family farm so stubbornly that I can't even go there unless I want to hear him praise Rush Limbaugh to the skies.
So I don't go to the family farm.
Even the beautiful courthouse in Berkeley Springs burned down.
Now, you take your Jersey. What does it matter if they plow under another field for a shopping center? Can't get any uglier. Already crowded. It's not like I'm going to wander out some day and see my high school friend's big ol' dairy farm covered with ticky tack.
In Jersey you expect leaf blowers at 7 a.m. on weekends, gridlocked traffic, a flat-assed landmass, and sand in the soil. The water runs uphill. (You figure that one out.)
I've finally gotten used to it. Just don't bury me here, yous goddat?
THE MERLIN OF JERSEY CITY
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Now, turn here. Turn here. Turn here. Turn here. You're not turning. You're not turning. You didn't turn. You didn't turn!
I don't know where we are. Look out!
No. No. No. Don't take that exit. You don't want a bridge. No bridges. Stay on this road. Left! Left! That's right! No, I don't mean right, I mean left!
My daughter The Heir just got her driver's license and is trying to learn how to drive in the New Jersey suburbs. It's kind of like learning how to swim by diving into Niagra Falls.
Where's my Soma?
THE MERLIN OF LESS-TRAVELED BERKELEY SPRINGS
Monday, June 11, 2007
Thor is meandering past as I write this. I hope he doesn't get mad that I'm not an Asratu. Hey, I'm all for Asratus, Thor. Any pantheon is a good pantheon to me.
On Memorial Day I always go to a graveyard in an African American community where they have more than 100 black Civil War soldiers buried. You see, the community accepted any unknown or unclaimed Union soldier, because the federal graveyards would not bury black soldiers with white soldiers. (Yeah, this has always been a sucky country.)
There's one grave of a Civil War soldier there that recently got a new marker because the mortal remains beneath represent a soldier who won the Congressional Medal of Honor for bravery in the Navy. It has been my practice to leave a little patriotic arrangement on this man's grave in honor of him, and the other soldiers there, and my own hillbilly ancestors who ran to the Grand Army of the Republic recruiters as soon as the first shot was fired.
No one ever takes off what I put there, so this year there were three years' worth of beat-up flowers around the stone.
I found a pretty little red-white-n-blue leftover from Mem Day at the flea market yesterday. Having exhausted my brain with deep thinking, I decided to drive over and freshen the Union soldier's grave site.
While I was there I saluted Chonganda, awesome bored god of the Congolese people. I swear the ground moved underneath me.
So, as far as science and deep thinking and all that goes, I'm in the Robert Anton Wilson camp. We only use 10 percent of our brains. If we ever get the other 90 percent up and running, maybe all this other dimension stuff, and spirit movements, and bored gods, will be old hat.
Chonganda and I are getting to be very good friends. He's so bored he doesn't even have a Google image. I think he was doggone tickled to find a graveyard that he can protect.
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
Tomorrow: Fundie sis amongst the faeries!
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Off to Broadway to see ... oh, readers and bored gods everywhere, I'm so thrilled ...
Inherit the Wind, starring Christopher Plummer and Brian Dennehey!
Dont hate me cuz u aint me.
In the meantime, in all seriousness, I re-posted my Great, Grand, Griffon Grab below for any of you who want to win a deluxe vulture package.
William Jennings Bryan: I don't think about things I don't think about.
Clarence Darrow: Well, do you think about the things you do think about?
Do you think? Keep at it!
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Monday, June 04, 2007
All it takes is one magickal Blue Moon get-together, and the blessings start pouring in.
There's a federally-designated endangered plant called Harperella living along Terrapin Run.
But that's not the best news. THIS is the best news:
Bibi, I sure hope you see this one! You too, Hecate.
Hat tip to awesome Nettle on the con. And if you visit Nettle's site, please be advised that the picture at the top is her family farm.