Will the U.S. Constitution Buy an Indulgence?
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," looking for a federal grant for our faith-based initiative since 2000!
What? A Druid with a faith-based initiative? Yeppers, it's called Save Terrapin Run. I don't see why the federal government won't give us money to preserve a clean little stream and all its innocent critters from an evil developer. Shouldn't Right to Life extend to crawdads?
Federal funding for faith-based initiatives. Hey, Librarian of Congress! Give me that copy of the U.S. Constitution so I can take my scissors to the First Amendment!
I do have a super-duper suggestion for the Roman Catholic Church. They will be issuing indulgences this summer to their members who don't crave long, boring eons in Purgatory. Quite nice of them, don't you think? Now you really can buy the stairway to heaven.
So let's get a federal grant for all the Roman Catholics who want to take advantage of the indulgence initiative. Because, you know, the priests say there's no money involved, but the indulgee has to go to a shrine. You think when the indulgee gets to the shrine, no one's gonna ask for a donation?
Here's my solution. The Catholic Church should apply for a federal grant that will give poor Catholics bus fare and spending money for their indulgences. It's a win-win situation. Indulged Catholics make better voters, and clearly the government doesn't need the money for anything else or it wouldn't be dumping largesse on religious organizations.
As usual, this advice is offered free of charge.
Now I've got to go finish my grant proposal. It's called "Application by Order of Bards, Ovates, and Druids for Ecological Research and Non-Development of Dry Branch Stream Beds in Appalachia and Other Mountainous Regions."
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS