Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Keeping the Hallowed in Halloween, Part 1

Welcome, friends and neighbors, to "The Gods Are Bored!" We're well into our eighth year of sermonizing, so you'd think we would be running out of ideas. But no! Just when a twinge of writer's block sets in, something worthy falls into our laps -- and off we go again, preaching to the choir!



Recently at the Snobville annual book sale, this cute little paperback came into my hands. I always browse the Spirituality aisle, mostly fruitlessly, but this is a find. The purpose of the book, by evangelist Steve Russo, is to raise parental anxiety about our favorite Halloween customs. I pity the Christian kid whose mom buys this tome.

Over the next few weeks, as other bloggers prepare for Samhain with dignity and grace, we at "The Gods Are Bored" will be toasting marshmallows with this paperback puppy, chapter by chapter!

I'm sure you've thought of this, my dear friendly Pagans: We get holidays for Christian observances -- long ones, to boot -- but that's not enough for some Christians. The last card we have on the table is Halloween. No time off for this holy day, but at least our children see our traditions respected within the hallways and classrooms of their schools.

We do not ask for much. A prayer at a town council meeting here, a pentagram Yule display there ... and Halloween.  It is sacred ground.

Steve Russo, meet Anne Johnson. When it comes to separation of church and state, Halloween is your nightmare. It's my holy day. You will not define it with your hogwash. I'm here to preach Samhain in all its sacred glory.

Raise the song of harvest home!

Monday, September 29, 2014

Some Things Surprise, Some Don't

Over the weekend, my daughter The Heir and I went to historic Cape May, NJ to the North American Sea Glass Association annual convention.

For those of you asking, "What is sea glass?" My answer is simple: It's glass (or anything sturdy made by humans) that has been in the sea for awhile and then is thrown back up on the beach.



You're not going to find gorgeous chunks like this lying around ready to scoop up. But as you can see, sea glass is very beautiful.

Heir and I like to go beachcombing in search of sea glass. It's kind of a bonding thing, plus she has great eyesight and gives me almost all the good stuff she finds.

However, on Sunday we went to Cape May to see other peoples' sea glass. There was a contest, for one thing, and for another, there was an expert available to help identify stuff.

Part of the day was surprising, and part wasn't. So I'll go in order:

Surprising: Thousands of people, overwhelmingly female and white, are passionate about sea glass. The Cape May convention center was so packed that the fire marshall was monitoring how many people were in the building. Heir and I had to wait in line 30 minutes to get inside.

Surprising: The shard I brought for identification was the bottom of a rum bottle, probably from the 1830s. I had found it wedged in the rocks of a jetty.

Not surprising: When I showed the bottle shard to my friend who is absolutely obsessed with sea glass, she told me not to bother entering it in the contest, because some people had already entered similar shards.

Not surprising: There were many vendors of sea glass art and jewelry. Everything was extremely expensive, especially since I know that the raw material, sea glass, is found for free.

Surprising: A guy had his personal collection there, which he had found in the Delaware Bay. He had glass that could only come from Colonial times or some kind of mammoth shipwreck, it was so weathered and frosted and in huge, thick chunks.

Not surprising: The old bottles actually entered in the contest were not as nice as mine.

Not surprising: After 90 minutes of that crowd and those prices, Heir and I bagged the convention and set off to find our own sea glass.

Surprising: The Garden State Parkway has more exits going south than it does going north. And it's a long way between exits if you're traveling northbound.

Not surprising: When Heir and I got to the sea glass beach, there was someone already there combing. She had gone to the convention the previous day. She described how someone called the police because the building was so jam-packed, hence the fire marshall restrictions Heir and I experienced.

Not surprising: Heir found some beautiful pieces, including a light yellow shard and two deep lavendar shards.

Not surprising at all: Heir and I just loved being together. It had been a long time since we took a road trip.

Surprising: My favorite fruit stand on the way home from the shore still had fresh peaches, canteloupes, and tomatoes.

Surprising:  I went to bed at 8:00 and slept right through the night. Nothing beats an afternoon at the beach for getting you blissfully relaxed.

All glory, laud, and honor to King Triton and Goddess Oshun who rule the briny deep and all its contents, organic and fabricated! Shrine of the Mists has a special section dedicated just to Them.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Late Night Study Break

I am pleased to announce that my daughter, The Spare, will be co-hosting a YouTube show called "Late Night Study Break." The show is comedy/music/interviews, and the first episode will be filmed before a live audience on Monday evening. Oh my!


Here she is with her co-host.

These two have together:

*gotten a six-piece band to write and perform original music
*found a studio for the filming
*engaged a cast of a dozen actors and actresses
*arranged for cameramen and sound engineers
and ...
*they've written all the content!

The show will be up on YouTube in about a week. It's going to be between 20 and 30 minutes long. Further episodes are planned.

The Spare has always forecast that she would be on Saturday Night Live some day. You know what? I admire a girl who, seeing the long odds, sets out to create her very own Saturday Night Live.

Can I get a warm, wonderful, "Gods Are Bored" welcome for "Late Night Study Break?"

And yes, I'll be in the audience on Monday. I like this girl's pluck.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Planning for My Retirement

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" I'm not alone here today. I've got seven bored gods giving me sound advice on my declining years. These are very ancient deities. Sometimes, though, you've got to get back to your deep origins to help you plan for the future to come.

This is one of those times.

The deities with me today have eaten a whole box of chocolate while I've explained to them the ins and outs of social security, vested pension benefits, and Roth IRAs. Then I explained how the sitting governor in my state isn't contributing the legal amount to the public employee pension fund. Then I explained how the stock market works. Then I showed some Congressmen predicting that social security will be gone just about at the moment I'll need it. Then I told them how Mr. J's pension fund is predicted to run completely dry before he is old enough to die.

The ancient deities then explained how it worked for Their praise and worship teams.

When you can't work any longer, you go out into the woods and starve to death. You remove yourself as a burden to the society, and in doing so, you please the Gods.

I pointed out to them that I'm pretty much a woos about suffering and death. They would have none of it. If I'm not productive, I've got to remove myself from society. They kindly pointed out that we all die, and these social safety nets could pass like a whisper of wind.

By golly, as advice from the bored gods goes, this seems spot on. Can't pay for bread? Don't eat any.

The best news is that I have a decade, maybe two, of productive ability ahead of me. Surely in that time I will overcome my aversion to hunger and hypothermia. Surely I'll see that the most holy death is that which feeds the buzzards ... a skinny snack, but a snack nonetheless.

I like this group of bored gods. No nonsense about them. No mercy. You should hear what they think I ought to do to the standing governor.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Taking Some Sting from the Equinox: Navel Gazing

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where you can skip this item if you basically don't read diary entries. I had a swell Mabon, and I want to record it here for those years ahead when I forget everything.

What a lovely day! The weather was beautiful, and Mr. J and I were up at the crack of dawn for Snobville's annual book sale. There's also a boss of a flea market in the same part of town, so it was a win for all ... even Extra Chair, who went to the flea market too. And other folks that I'll get to in a moment.

So, I went to the flea market, hoping to get another nonstick dutch oven like the one I bought last year for $15 that Spare ruined unintentionally by whipping potatoes in it. Auspicious sign of a good day: The same seller was back, I got another dutch oven, same price, and a much-needed ladle.

Then to the book sale. By that time, Spare and her boyfriend had hopped off the El and joined me. I perused the tired-looking paperbacks that get shipped from sale to sale, and all of a sudden, Spare snuck up behind me and gave me a copy of Faeries, by Brian Froud, that she had found among the mishmash! What a grab! I didn't have a copy, and even Snobville's thieving prices of $4 for a hard cover seemed reasonable for this tome.

But wait, there's more.

My browsing yielded me a little gem for a swell and timely Gods Are Bored series. The book is titled Halloween: What's a Christian To Do? Friends, we will have fun, fun, fun till her daddy takes the T-bird away with this one!


Snobville, as I said, charges usurious fees for its used books, but sometimes it's worth it.

After lunch, Spare and I deposited her flame back onto the El. We went to the Philadelphia Zoo, which has been touting its new batch of lion cubs. If you're a zoo, and you want to keep your wounded-and-unable-to-fly turkey vultures in dog food, you need to trot out some baby lions occasionally.



Aren't they adorable? When Spare and I got there around 4:00, they were playing with their mom and each other, gambling about their too-small enclosure. The lioness was giving us humans the evil eye, and I cannot blame her one little bit. But every time a little lion bounded past, all of the viewers just emitted a collective coo. Can't describe it any other way.

Spare and I are no strangers to this zoo. As an aside I'll say that zoos make me uncomfortable, because the animals look so unhappy. But at least the Philly zoo has upgraded its facilities, and particularly the great apes have it pretty good, at least for inmates.

Back to not being strangers. Spare and I had only one short hour to hit all of our favorite critters. We adore the pygmy marmosets.
Spare also loves the European harvest mice, and who can blame her? A mouse that can fit on a quarter? So damn cute!

Now having gorged on cuteness, Spare and I eschewed the giraffes and made a beeline for my personal favorite, a pair of turkey vultures who cannot be released to the wild. I praised and worshiped them, they looked at me with baleful glares and no little suspicion, but thirty minutes in we had achieved a sort of tidy understanding. Spare is so patient. Why hang around a vulture cage when you can see zebras? But such is the love of a daughter that she cleaved to my side.

The zoo had closed the other exhibits by the time we ambled back to see if we could get one last ogle at those cubs. The zookeepers had corralled the mom and the cubs and had let the papa lion out for some air. And he was apparently pissed as hell that he had to sit inside all day, because he was roaring at the top of his lungs. You know what, reader? As cute as baby lions are, I don't think I would want to come across a handful of them in the wild. Their parents are forces of Nature.

I dropped Spare off at her apartment (*my baby left home*) and headed back across the B Franklin Br to Jersey. Lit up my shrine for the coming darkness, lit up my altar for same, offered Thanksgiving to the deities, made a pot of soup in my new dutch oven, and sat down to read about faeries.

This was a day that went well from end to end. How often does that happen?

Thursday, September 18, 2014

The Dangers of Un-Analyzed Data

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," basically a Pagan site with way too much tasteless humor to give Paganism a good name. Yes, we are pretty much ignored by the serious folk. But we aren't ignored by everyone.

Witness this email that came to my inbox today:

Hi there, 

My name is [name delted by blogger]. I'm the Community Outreach Coordinator for [fashion company deleted by blogger]. It's hard to believe that summer is finally winding down, but that means that the fall fashion season is right around the corner! We're super excited for fall colors, so we came up with a great infographic to help you transition from your favorite summer brights into some beautiful fall shades. 

With that in mind, we'd like to get your take on transitioning to fall colors. We're asking bloggers like you to pick a fall shade of nail polish, and create a stunning look that highlights that color! Feel free to create a styleboard showing what items you'd wear or beauty products you'd use to compliment your fall inspired color, then challenge one of your friends to do the same. We'll be picking some of our favorite posts each week to share on social media, and once the fall season really gets underway, we'll be sharing some of the very best posts on our blog as well. 

We're only offering our infographic to a select group of bloggers, so we'd love to have your participation! Please let me know if you'd be interested in taking part and I can send it over for you to use in your post. 

Hope to hear from you soon, 

[name deleted by blogger]
Community Outreach Coordinator, [fashion company deleted by blogger] 
[email of home page of company]




Well, by golly, I'm up for that! Here's my shade of nail polish:



It's literally called "wet cement."

No time for the styleboard, sorry, but I would be wearing this with attire in the colors of our school's mandatory student uniform. This uniform is composed of a gray or maroon polo shirt, black pants, and a maroon or gray hooded sweatshirt. I wear these colors every day. Although this is a fall-specific request, I find these colors easiest to wear in deep midwinter.

How did I get into a select group of fashion bloggers? It could only be the number of pageviews I get every day for my Pagan content. I get that number of pageviews because I've been blogging nonstop since 2005 and have over 2,000 posts online, every topic imaginable except fashion. When it comes to fashion, I'm strictly a faerie cosplayer or just simply ... simply attired.

You know what else is annoying about this randomly data-driven email? There's not one single offer for me, the blogger, except a possible profile on their blog. No free cosmetics, no sample swatches, nada. Even if I was into fashion, why should I provide content for them?

I'm going to make a new label, because I have been getting a fair number of 

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Monday, September 15, 2014

Interview with a Bored God: Dazbog

You look up in the sky, and there it is: the Sun. And you know that something so warm and dependable is going to have loads of bored deities looking after it, right? Indeed! I mean, the best NASA can do is watch it through a telescope and tell us when it gets spots. But making it rise and set on time? You need deities for that!

With the Sun on my mind, I sought about to find a bored Sun god with a chip on His shoulder. Well, Who should wander in (wearing a swell pair of Ray-bans) but Dazbog, the ancient Slavic God of the Sun!  I'm a woman with a mission today, and I'm hoping Dazbog will help me. Please give a warm, wonderful, Gods Are Bored welcome to Dazbog the Sun God!



Anne: YeeeOWWWWCH! Hello, Might One. Would you mind sitting a little further away? You're scorching my eyebrows.

Dazbog: No problem. How about over here on the couch?

Anne:  Emmmm .... ahhhhhh ... would you consider one of these dining room chairs? It's not upholstered.

[Dazbog promptly reduces the chair to ash.]

Dazbog: Maybe I should just stand.

Anne: You are indeed a very bored god, Dazbog. The Christians showed you no respect, toppled your statues and undermined your ministry. Must have made you hot under the collar .. tee hee!

Dazbog: Dumb, Anne, even by your low standards. I was by turns furious and heartbroken. Poland was a paradise when I was its God. Now look at it!

Anne: I've never been there. I've only seen photos. But I presume that the sun still shines down on it.

Dazbog: Not like it used to, when they were all praying to me. I only give it a half-hearted attempt these days. They deserve those long, cold winters!

Anne: Now, that's exactly why I asked You here today. I like long, cold winters, but what I don't like is the early darkness. I could have turned to dozens of gods in multiple pantheons, but I chose you, Dazbog, to ...

Dazbog: To stay in the sky a little longer, huh?

Anne: Yes! Exactly!

Dazbog: Not doing it.

Anne: Please?

Dazbog: Nope.

Anne: I can't change your mind?

Dazbog: No, and I double dog guarantee you that you won't get any other Sun deities to do it either. We've all been usurped -- and not by another Sun god, but a Father god. It would be hard enough to lose custom to one of your own, but to a Father god? Pathetic! I've had it with the human race!

Anne: Then why do You shine at all?

Dazbog: It's not easy to find re-training at my age. I tried the refrigeration industry ...

Anne (to herself): And he called me dumb.

Dazbog: I tried solar power. But all the Sun gods are trying solar power. We're all fighting over it.

Anne: I'll be in your corner Dazbog, if you just cancel the whole Northern Hemisphere thing. If you just stay the course.

Dazbog: Shame on you! One of your three readers is from Australia! Would you have him freeze to death?

Anne: I'm not talking about hours and hours here ... just an hour a day more sun than You give us here in New Jersey in the wintertime.

Dazbog: Not doing it. Neither will Ra. Neither will Helios. Neither will Aja. You want the whole list, or just the top ten? Besides, there's a simple solution to your problem. Move to the western edge of your time zone.

Anne: I did that! I lived in Detroit for four years. And yes, You stayed in the sky longer in the evenings, but it was dark when I walked to work! I almost got hit by a bus! Pleeeeeeze, Dazbog? Just a simple hour? Oh pleeeeeeeeeze?

Dazbog: Sorry, Anne. Unlike Father gods, we Sun gods are predictable in our ways. We're by-the-book. And the book says that, this time next week, you start getting less sunshine.

Anne: For a little fame? A few tithes and offerings?

Dazbog: Where are you going to find those? In case you haven't noticed, Poland is a very Christian country. My praise and worship team is still going on about that pope they sent to Rome!

Anne: Yeah, you're right. I have zero influence and no money to tithe. It was a shot in the dark ... I mean, in the light ... oh Hell, you know what I mean.

Dazbog: I appreciate the invite. What's in the fridge?

Anne: Nothing edible now, I'm afraid. Doggone it. I was really looking forward to that Jello mold.

Dazbog: I'm so sorry. Here you are being kind to Me, and I scorch your storehouse!

Anne: Surely that's worth an extra hour of daylight.

Dazbog: No, it's worth $236, and 23 of those little green stamps you're collecting to get free pots and pans. I'll send you a check.

Anne: Sorry for saying this, but you're pretty cold.

Dazbog: Bitter, yes. Cold, never. A Father god indeed! If I live to be ten billion, I'll never get over it!

[Dazbog ascends to the sky, muttering under his breath.]


It was worth a try. I basically hate it getting dark at 5:00 p.m. But I guess I'll just have to grin and bear it. Or move to the tropics. Now there's a solution I'd like to try!

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Rent-a Cat

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Have you noticed how hard it is to make a living these days? I mean, really. I don't know about you, but I'm always on the lookout for a way to make money.

What do you think of Rent-a-Cat?

My daughter The Spare moved into an apartment in Center City, Philadelphia in June. The apartment is on the second floor in a townhouse. From the get-go she's had mice.

I don't have any problem personally with small rodents, but they are gross in their habits. I had them in my house before I got my cats. Hated to poison them, but, as I said: gross.

It's harder in a townhouse with shared walls. Spare put out poison, but it didn't seem to make a difference. And her roommate is terrified of mice.

Spare wanted to take one of our cats to her flat. I put the kibosh to that. Beta is an outdoor cat, and Gamma has anxiety issues.

Folks, for the first time it has paid off to volunteer. The pet shelter where I donate my time kindly lent me a hard-to-place kitty to take to Spare's apartment. Basically Spare is fostering this kitty, who simply cannot tolerate any others of her species.

I wish I had a photo of Spare, walking up the Philadelphia sidewalk with a cat carrier as the locals stared at her from outdoor bistro tables.

This is an experiment in rodent extermination. I don't know how it will go. I'm also more than a tad concerned that Spare will bond with the feline. Also not sure a cat will be able to deal with townhouse mice, and not sure how long it will take. I am sure that cat will catch mice, though. Even Gamma can do that, and he's a dim bulb.

But if it goes well, what a business opportunity! Rent a cat to deal with your mice, cave crickets, spiders, and bouncy balls! Flexible rates, choose from a wide variety of colors. No purebreds allowed, only nice, fresh, mature rescue cats with proven survival skills.

Can I get some investors?

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Back in the Saddle: Let's Talk!

Well, what do you know? My school upgraded to Google Chrome over the summer, and they forgot to block Blogger! Yippee kay i ay!

So, let's talk.

How about ISIS, or ISIL, or whatever the fuck. Thank goodness that wouldn't happen here! We've got lots of people carrying firearms who would never put politics and religion before humanit ..... emmm, forget it.

How about the Walton family creating charter schools? I guess they want to teach a new generation to have super low expectations. Why wait for the real world to crush kids? Teach them to expect to be crushed ... use crushable teachers.

Five casinos close in Atlantic City, 10,000 people lose their jobs, and all I can think about is how unsafe it will make the sea glass beaches. I'm a selfish bitch.

Has anyone noticed that the super hero movies aren't any good anymore? I wanted to strangle that raccoon.

I do like the new Doctor, though.

Why did I leave the wet cat food out overnight? Damn.

Speaking of pets, I've got to get some bird seed.

My daughter The Heir is going to a wedding this weekend. It's the first one of her college chums to tie the knot. She's 25.

Aerosmith or Coldplay? ah HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Dream on.

I'm thinking of writing a book: How To Wallow in Self-Pity. Trouble is, I'm not sure anyone would buy it. Comes naturally to most of us.

If practice makes perfect, how come Pagans don't win the lottery?

You know what baffles me? How 25 teenagers can be jumping around the room at 7:30 in the morning. Aren't they supposed to be on a different biorhythm?

You know what's really stupid? Of course you do! There's something in your life that's stupid as hell, and you know just what it is. Because you aren't stupid.

Well, this was a lovely tea and chat. Except I left my travel mug in the classroom yesterday, so the tea is a little fermented. And that's a good thing, reader. That's a good thing.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

This is a test to see if my school district is still blocking Blogger as a social media site.

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

A Mad Mess


It seemed like a good idea. Atlantic City, New Jersey was quickly becoming a forgotten backwater, so to bring it around, the powers that be decided to build casinos. The reincarnation of Atlantic City began in 1978.



And all went swimmingly for awhile. AC offered the only non-Indian gambling outside Las Vegas. Great, grand casinos were built, equipped, staffed, and visited. Throughout the 1980s and 1990s, the area was knee-deep in the moolah and *some* of the residents of the city prospered.

Did the powers-that-be ever look up from those money-soaked years and ponder the possibility that casino gambling might become legal elsewhere? Because that is exactly what has happened. If you live in Philadelphia, why would you drive to Atlantic City when there's Sugar House practically at your back door?

Atlantic City's casinos are closing like dominoes.  The most notable bankruptcy is Revel, the casino lately made famous as the site where egg-sucking-dog football players beat up their girlfriends.

To date, three casinos have closed and two more are preparing to close. Total job loss: 10,000 people.

So, what happens now? What a mad mess! Our fearless idiot governor issued an edict to allow sports betting. You know, like the kind you can do from your computer, in your Barcalounger.

Who's going to save Atlantic City this time?

Well, I'll do my part. I liked Atlantic City better before they built all those butt-ugly behemoth casinos. I'll go. But I'm only one person ... a person who goes there because the beaches are free.

What happens to AC now? What happens to the people who worked there who now have no jobs?

Monday, September 08, 2014

The Slower Lower

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," seasoned travelers ... if you begin and end with the state of Maryland.

Maryland is a small state in the Mid-Atlantic. For someone on a tight budget, it's just the bees' knees.

Maryland starts at the beach. You have a choice of a standard boardwalk-style beach town, or you can go to wild Assateague, with its famed horses.



Moving west from the beach you pass through all kinds of ecosystems, from tidal rivers with Southern flora and fauna, to the Chesapeake Bay, to the rolling Piedmont, on to the Blue Ridge and Allegheny Mountains. You've got your history (Fort McHenry, Antietam Battlefield, Braddock Heights, Harper's Ferry), and your big city (Baltimore). Voila! Something for everyone!

Through my whole life I have preferred the mountains, and I've always hatched plans to move back there some day. But as I grow older, remembering the harsh winters and steep terrain, I've begun to shy away from the dream of a mountain home.

Enter the "Slower Lower."

The "Slower Lower" is extreme southeastern Maryland. A river runs through it. The river is called The Pocomoke. That's Native American for "black water."


Mr. J and I took a little jaunt to the Slower Lower this past weekend for a family wedding. I hadn't laid eyes on the Pocomoke River in 30 years. I had forgotten how swell it is. It looks so black because of the tannin in the water, and it's deep. As my little photograph illustrates, in the general vicinity of the sleepy little hamlet of Snow Hill, the Pocomoke is as quiet and serene as a sleeping tot.

This part of Maryland is so hell-and-gone from everywhere that it's never going to be fertile ground for meaningless McMansions. It's flat as a pancake and only about ten miles inland from the coast.

I didn't really hear the voices of the bored gods when I went there over the weekend. It was more like the dawning reality of aging that spoke to me. The Slower Lower has a mild climate, flat terrain, affordable housing, and a wild beach within a short hop and skip. The pace of life is so slow that the local snails die of boredom.

Mr. J and I both liked the Slower Lower. Can't say he likes the mountains like I do. He's devoted to the Chesapeake Bay. (Little does he know that the Slower Lower is 100 miles from the mighty Chesapeake!)

Maybe I am destined to end my life a flat-lander. I'll put it in the hands of the bored gods and let them call the shots. If they fling me into the Slower Lower, I'll be happy enough.

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Hour of PowerPoint

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we put the "fun" in Pagan! Oh, wait. It doesn't fit. How 'bout this? We put the "fun" in funeral! Spot on.

Speaking of funerals, what do you think of PowerPoint presentations?

I don't know how I missed PowerPoint until about 2006. I was strictly a Word kinda gal. As a writer, I never needed PowerPoint. As a teacher I use it sparingly.

But I've had to sit through PowerPoint presentations by the fistful, and ... pardon my vernacular ... what the fuck?

The presenter throws up a slide and then reads it word for word. This happens over and over and over again. I can read! Why is the presenter here? He could have just forwarded the PowerPoint.

Have you ever sat down for a meeting with a sheet of all the PowerPoint slides, and you leafed through it and counted them? When you got up around 60, didn't you just want to swill some laudanum and make the world go away?

When I was a kid, school teachers used to show film strips. They would put on a recording, and then wind a still-photo set of shots through a projector. This was sort of like a PowerPoint, except the audio was not identical to the video. They complemented each other.

Now striplings, I know ... I know ... times have changed. PowerPoints are an easy way to impart vast swaths of information. Fie, I say! The pox take PowerPoints! May they be scoured clean by locusts. May their first slide perish mysteriously in the darkest part of the night.

I went to college before the advent of Microsoft Office (if you can believe that). Some of the professors at Johns Hopkins (notably the paleontologists) drew on chalk boards while they lectured. Most of them just stood at a podium and talked. I had a professor named Charles Singleton. He was about 80 years old when I took his "Dante's Inferno" class. He shuffled out onto the stage and sat down in a chair. A grad student would place a microphone where he could speak into it. And then Charles Singleton talked. For 90 minutes, with a few water breaks. No slides, no script. Call me weird, but I loved it.

I wonder if Christian preachers are using PowerPoints in their sermons? Anyone know?

The moral of this diatribe is this: Either talk to me, or let me read what you want me to know. Don't stand with your back half to me and read off a slide. Worse, don't lob a slide at me and say, "This is the form you'll have to fill out, it's not as complicated as it looks." NEWSFLASH! Seeing it splayed on a big screen makes it look as formidable as the Minotaur.

PowerPoint ... the slide show gone bad. Convince me I'm wrong.

Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Brief Burst of Optimism, Squashed

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," wishing on a star since 1975! Dunno why those dreams haven't come true.

Today I woke at 5:45 and got in my new car to drive to the teacher meetings that herald a new year of school.

My heart wasn't exactly light, but I did feel a touch of optimism as the shiny Subaru cruised to our mid-county campus. After all, wasn't it good to be working toward a cause, educating and inspiring young people? Wasn't it right and fine to be heading to a job?

That noble feeling lasted about one hour. First they overlooked me for my five years of service. Then they started in on evaluations, standardized testing (15 days this year), contract negotiations, and our district's draconian implementation of the state "reform" requirements.

I'll let this cat express my feelings about what is expected of me this year. And oh, I do feel sorry for my students!

Talking cat says Oh Long Johnson

Saturday, August 30, 2014

The First Amendment Conundrum of the Pagan English Teacher

My school is composed entirely of minorities, half of whom speak English as a second language. Nevertheless, our school district mandates a Shakespeare play at each level. This would be okay, except that it takes my students about six weeks to make it through a Shakespeare play.

Someone with clout in my district said, "Oh, don't have them read the whole thing! Just read the good parts and watch the rest on video."

Have you ever heard of a more intellectually dishonest practice? Just read the good parts? Does this prepare our underprivileged students for college and career?

In desperation I cast about for something other than Julius Caesar to teach my students. Lo and behold, in the grimy and crumbling 10th grade textbooks, there's a translation of Antigone. It's readable, too!

Who can resist Oedipus, Jocasta, Tiresias, Creon, Antigone? Not me! I love those stories! Greek tragedy: a staple of the well-rounded public school education. Problem solved. Out with Julius, in with the brave princess who doesn't want to leave her brother to the buzzards.

Houston, we have a problem.

Can I teach Antigone if I believe in those Gods and Goddesses? Am I being intellectually honest if I call the stories "myths?" When Antigone refers to God (translation), how can I help but tell my fine young minds that the God in question is Zeus?

I want to teach Antigone, but I can't use the word "myth." If "myth" applies to the Greek deities, it applies to all deities, including You-Know-Who, the one we can't talk about in school.

I think that as Pagans, we run into First Amendment issues with Greek tragedy. I just simply can't stand in front of my students and call Zeus a "myth." Zeus is a God. People still pray to Him.

Since September through April is the window for evaluations -- and I absolutely don't want my bosses walking in with clipboards while I'm talking about Greek deities -- I have plenty of time to think of ways to discuss the religious aspects of Greek tragedy. Maybe I'll interview a few Greek deities and see what They think. (Not inviting Mars here anymore, he torched my chintz armchair.)

If you have a helpful tip on this issue, I would love to hear it. I'm almost feeling like teaching this play could violate the First Amendment if I am a polytheist.

No use asking Zeus for His opinion. Given half a chance, He would come teach the class Himself.

A few weeks ago I was casting about to see if there was anything on YouTube in the way of a summary of Oedipus Rex. I came upon the video posted below. Nearly busted a lung laughing. Then I discovered there's a whole series of these. Watch and learn, choir!

Oedipus The King - Thug Notes Summary and Analysis

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Frank Talk about What Ifs

I wasn't intellectually honest in my post below about the concert The Spare and I attended. This is because I didn't want to link Spare's experience to the name of the band. Now I'm going to talk about the tricky wicket of getting flirtatious with famous people.

Starting with me.

When I was a young woman, I spent a lot of time at Memorial Stadium in Baltimore. It was summertime, and I loved the Orioles. The team had a very charitable policy for students: $1.85 for an upper box seat. I went to every home game in 1979 and quite a few in 1980.

I lived on the second floor in a Baltimore row house. On the third floor lived a Baseball Annie who was 85 years old. I thought she was senile when she told me that Brooks Robinson took her out to lunch. Then one day I saw Brooks drop her off in front of the house! That's when I knew that the Baltimore Orioles club was really treating this poor old lady like gold. I'll never forget it. Sure wouldn't happen in these times.

About mid-summer, 1980, my elderly baseball friend said she'd gotten seats for us to go to a game together. The seats were Row 1, Seats 1 and 2. We were further allowed to go and stand by the locker room door before the game, where dear old Esther bear-hugged every single player except Frank Robinson. I was nearly speechless to be up-close-and-personal with every single Baltimore Oriole.

You probably know that baseball players arrive at the ball park hours before the game starts. They have to get dressed and warm up. So Esther and I were way, way early for the actual game. When we arrived in Row 1, Seats 1 and 2, The Kansas City Royals were warming up on the field.

Some of you old-timers might recognize this pretty boy. His name is George Brett, and in 1980 he was just about the best baseball player in the world. Damn if he didn't know it, too. He was not modest.

Back to my tale: Dear old Esther and I settled into our box, and before I knew it, George Brett was looking at me about as much as he was looking at the baseball. Then he smiled at me. Then he came over to the fence. He was super sweet to Esther and then turned his attention to me. Where did I live? Baltimore. What did I do? Student. Where? Johns Hopkins, right up the street. Did I like baseball? Oh yeah. So, what was I doing after the game? Would I like to go to a party?

George Brett, top of the heap in baseball in 1980, had just asked me out on a date.


I respectfully declined, pointing out that I would have to see Great-Granny home safely. He persisted, but politely. He told me to think about it, he would be at the Belvedere Hotel, I could drop by and find him any time.

I had no boyfriend, but I was pragmatic. I wasn't keen on mixing it with a ball player. Some girls were. The bored gods know that half of my friends would have jumped at this opportunity.  Both then and now, I placed more emphasis on romantic love than on sexy stuff.

I've always wondered what my life would have been like if I partied with George Brett.

He was gorgeous. A physical specimen of unparalleled magnificence. Would that experience have altered the way I looked at a more ordinary (albeit 100 times brainier) Mr. J? Or, would I be sitting here now, teetering on crone-hood, fondly remembering a fun and angst-free night with a gorgeous athlete?

What if? I just do not know.

Back to the present.


Spare and I went to a concert together. This band is meant to be experienced on your feet. They usually play in venues with no seating. But this time they were in a theater with cushioned, stuck-to-the-floor seats. It just felt weird from the get-go.

Of course, the very energy of this band had everyone up on their feet from the second beat of the first song. Spare and I started grooving, back in Row H.

Then Spare pointed at Row 1, Seats 1 and 2, and said, "Come on, let's get closer."

No denying it, when you get down to the edge of the stage with this band, you feel like you're just another member of the outfit. There's 20 people on the stage, all playing and/or singing at maximum energy. So Spare and I just got the groove on, and before we knew it, the band's leader jumped off the stage and started high-fives ... and Spare got one.

But it wasn't the headliner who was staring at Spare. It was a musician, the closest one to us where we were standing. This musician was male, young, and playing a violin.

Spare turned around and said to me, "I think that guy is looking at me."

Understatement.

Moving on. The show ended with no encore, which is very strange for this group. Sometimes they play two. Maybe it was the venue. Anyway, Spare and I lingered, disappointed, until it was clear that no encore was forthcoming. Then, I saw a friend and went over to say hello to her. We talked about three minutes. THEN I saw a half-finished water bottle on the stage. I said to Spare, "Watch this!" And I went down to the stage and snatched it. By that time, the young violin player had returned to the stage.

He hopped down and shook my hand. He shook Spare's hand. Then we started talking, because I have about a million questions about this band, and he commenced to answering them. It was clear he was focusing his attention primarily on The Spare. And he sure looked young, probably not much older than her.

Was Spare facing her George Brett moment? Well, let me tell you: It was on the tip of my tongue to invite this young fellow out for a cheeseburger and a beer, but before I could alter her destiny, Spare said, "Oh, nice to meet you!" and started for the door.

When we hit the inhospitable pavement of Broad Street, I said, "Why did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Leave! He clearly wanted to talk to you!"

She couldn't believe it. Just couldn't believe that some musician would find her attractive. Yes, it is Ripley's. The girl doesn't know her charms.

Well, you see, I was also conflicted. There's not much difference at all between a musician and a baseball player, except that one is built like a god and the other creates god-like music well enough to be paid. Why should I ever want Spare to do something I didn't want to do when I was her age? Actually, in fairness, the musician was far more sweet and human, and humble, and affable... but he still was in town for one night, moving on to DC in the morning.

I teased Spare the whole way back to her apartment, which was a short six blocks from the venue. We were laughing about it, mostly, with her still amazed that I would think any male would find her attractive. Oh well, I left her on her Locust Street stoop and hopped on the El.

Was I trying to re-live my own youth? Shouldn't I be looking out for Spare's welfare? Oh! I beat myself up on that El! What the heck? No such thing as angst-free flirtation, right? What kind of mother would I be if I started encouraging friendships with wandering minstrels?

You know, there's something to be said for this younger generation. By the time I got off the El and descended to the Snobville sidewalk, Spare reported that she had established an Instagram conversation with the stripling performer, which continued at a safe and prudent distance through the wee hours. All of a sudden the 21st century is looking a little more appealing.

Life is funny. We get these "what if" moments. Some of them are life-altering, and some of them just leave you wondering.

One thing I do know. It's Spare's life, and I had best mess out. She's bound to come to her own "what if" moment. Or a dozen of them. Regrets are the spice of life.

Fun with the Polyphonic Spree

Every summer, the Polyphonic Spree visits Philadelphia.

This is a Texas-based band with the usual assembly of rock instruments, plus horns and strings and a choir and a harpist.

It's hard to describe their music, except to say that it starts out low (or solo) and then explodes into an avalanche of sound. The front man, Tim Delaughter, sets the pace, which is ... well, spree-like.


I was never a fan of big arena concerts. If I had been, the Polyphonic Spree would have changed my mind. There's nothing like being able to sit or stand so close to the music that you feel like you're part of the band. And on this particular evening, Tim Delaughter told the crowd of Philadelphians that he is a Dallas Cowboys fan ... and then he came off the stage and walked among the audience. (I wish I knew what health plan he has, because it must be pretty thorough. Admitting to loving the Cowboys is never prudent in Philly.) He slapped a high five on The Spare, as well he should. She's a huge fan.

After the show, the violinist came out and talked to me and Spare. This is another wonderful, beautiful thing about smaller venue performers. They'll talk to you. Shake your hand. Really, really civilized.

If you're looking for some new tunes for your IPod or whatever, I can't recommend the Polyphonic Spree enough. There's nothing wrong with happy music. It's actually inspiring.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Free Advice on the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

ALS is a terrible, horrible illness, and that's the only reason why I would do something as stupid as pour ice water over my head. That is stupid. It must have been thought up by some Alabama frat brother.

I was nominated by my daughter The Spare. How's them apples? She must have found out that I have a life insurance policy.

Anyway, I rarely do something stupid before researching the specs on the matter. Free advice? The specs pretty much let you off the hook.

1. The site says don't do it in areas where there's a shortage of water. That's everywhere, my friends! Everywhere! Water should never be wasted. Potable water is a finite resource. You will be completely covered if (like me) you drop a single ice cube on your head and flick a few drops of water in your face.

2. You're not supposed to do it if it would impact your health. How would you know until you did it? Single ice cube, flick of water. That's not going to hurt anyone.

3. This is the part I don't like. You have to nominate three more people to do the challenge. This makes me uncomfortable. I think people should be free to donate to the charity of their choosing. But a close reading of the web site doesn't demand that you nominate living people! Thank the bored gods for that! There are any number of famous historical hot-heads for you to nominate, should this stupid challenge fall into your lap.

So there you have it -- helpful free advice which, the economy being what it is, I will pay you to take. Send me an invoice.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Thoughts on My 30th Wedding Anniversary

You would hardly know it to look at me, youthful and sprightly as I am, but I have been married for 30 years. August 23 is my wedding anniversary.

I have no free advice regarding how to make a marriage work. There are a gazillion married people on this planet, yet no two relationships are exactly the same.

Oh, wait. Here's some free advice for the young, single readers of The Gods Are Bored.

(Okay, freely admitting here that there probably aren't even a dozen young, single readers of The Gods Are Bored.)


Avoid this, even if you can afford it. That's not marriage, it's a Broadway show.

Marriage is what happens after you take off the gooey gown. It's tough sledding. Not gonna pull the wool over your eyes. On the other hand, the right partner can help you find yourself. Mr. J has done that for me.

So we're off to Paris, London, and the Riviera to the Chesapeake Bay for two days. Free advice on a long marriage? Don't live beyond your means.

See you Tuesday! Keep your deities warm.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Teardown Times Three

There's a tenet of Paganism called the Threefold Law: Any harm you do comes back upon you threefold.

Today I am sending the intention of the Threefold Law against the developer who built this hideous mess:



This mess of McMansions sits on land that was once a farm. The land is about five miles from Antietam Battlefield.

Sitting in the midst of this heinous assault upon the rural countryside was this:



A Regency Era home (just ditch the porch and you'll see it) with the original cellar, flooring, and kitchen cabinetry. In 2008 I toured this home, because the developer of the McMansions expelled the tenant and left the place unlocked, hoping it would be vandalized.

There are all sorts of rules and regulations about tearing down houses that are on the Historical Register. Houses that probably served as hospitals during the Civil War. Houses that retain their original architectural elements.

Rules don't mean squat.

Today on her Facebook page, my sister lamented the overnight destruction of this property. It has been completely razed.

I tried to alert the county Historical Society to the plight of this home. I also fruitlessly searched for an old friend who was once a preeminent historian in the county. Sis, who lived within 200 yards of the house, did nothing.

There are three abandoned McMansions in Sis's neighborhood. The grass has grown up around these houses, and it's not clear if they are even up for sale. The families just stole away in the night, probably after being unable to make the mortgage note.

This is rural disaster. This is the character of a region being sucked down the drain.

I feel guilty. I should have done more to try to save that house.

But worse, I feel furious. This is a historic area, prime valley farmland, full 70 miles from Baltimore and Washington.

Threefold cursed be they who ordered the teardown of this house. Threefold cursed be they who carried out the act. And may the owners of the McMansions on the tract, one and all, face the reality of modern home construction. What do you think my sister's house will look like when it is as old as the one that was just razed?

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Public School Education Prior to 1975

Wow, this one sounds dull as dirt, doesn't it? But hold tight, because don't I always offer you some laughs?




I am in a unique position to evaluate this premise. My public school education began in 1964 and ended in 1977. Spoiler alert: I didn't learn diddly squat about guns.

I did learn stuff, though.

I learned how to turn chicken eggs in an incubator so that the chicks would develop properly. By doing this, I learned that birds turn their eggs. This stuck with me. That was kindergarten.

Grade 1 I learned to love snowfall. The teacher let me stay in the hallway and watch a snow storm, all by myself, while the other kids had recess in the classroom.

Second grade I learned that being left-handed sucks. Cursive writing was a horror.

Third grade I memorized all my times tables. I understand they do it differently now. Rote worked for me. We had flash cards and practiced at home.

Fourth grade I learned that there was an author named Laura Ingalls Wilder, and that she wrote fabulous books about growing up on the prairie in the 19th century. Literally, I think all I did in fourth grade was read "Little House" books and solve long division problems.  Oh yeah! The teacher was so furious that none of us knew the words to the National Anthem that she gave us one night to memorize it and then made all 31 of us sing it, solo, the next day.

In fifth grade I learned that if you can't play kickball very well, you can earn props from the more athletic kids by being a fair umpire.

In sixth grade *spoiler alert kinda gross* I learned in health class that I had been putting certain feminine items on backwards. My mother never showed me.

In seventh grade I didn't learn much of anything, because my mother had a major nervous breakdown, and that made me irritable, distracted, and prone to acting out in school. I would have been keenly interested in gun use classes at this moment in my life, but I didn't get them. There was no gun in my home, at any stage of my life, and that's why I'm sitting here writing this today. I might be dead otherwise.

Eighth grade I remember looking in the Reader's Guide to Periodical Literature about a movie star and then getting magazine articles from the school library to write a report. It's funny how things work. I wound up making a decent living doing exactly that task, from 1984 until 2005.

In ninth grade biology class, I learned that eating a balanced diet every day makes multivitamins unnecessary.

When I was in tenth grade I learned that it's possible to fall head-over-heels, deeply in love with someone that modern society would bar me from pursuing.

Again in 11th grade, life was chaos at home, so I didn't learn anything. As with seventh grade, I would have remembered vividly having gun lessons.

In my senior year of high school, I learned a little bit of Latin. I wish I had studied it from freshman year forward. It's really great, and not just because of the bored gods.


So there, not terribly abridged, is my public school education! It did not include gun safety or gun use.

You know what? I'm going to tag this post with a "moron" label. Think about that quote above. In order to teach gun safety, there would have to be a gun or guns in school. That gun would have to be a common enough model to have readily available ammunition. For the love of fruit flies! What an explosive situation!

So, now addressing the moron who said I had gun safety classes in school, I reply most forcibly: Oh HELL no, I did not! The closest I got to a safety lesson upon which my life depended was in geology class, where we learned protective measures for exploring wild caves. Bite me, Mr. Gun Owner. There was a war being fought almost throughout the entirety of my public schooling. Three major political figures were assassinated. People thought differently about firearms in those days. Trust me on that, reader.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Anti-Bucket List of "The Gods Are Bored"

Everyone has a bucket list, right? I'll bet you have one. I won't hazard a guess what's on it.

My bucket list is boring and trivial. If you don't believe me, try this: It's my dearest wish to travel across Eastern Europe looking for mineral water towns. *YAWN* And more of that ilk.

But you know what most people don't have? An anti-bucket list -- things they absolutely, positively don't want to do before they die. For my money, that's just as important as a real bucket list. You don't want to wander into a situation that you would absolutely deplore, just because you forgot to make an anti-bucket list.

Here's mine:

1.  Disney World. Hard to believe, huh? I'm nuts about the old Disney movies, especially Peter Pan. But there's something about the expense, and the excess, and the lines, and the sun, and the canned fun that just makes Disney World a "must miss" for me.


2. Rolling Stones Concert. Gimme shelter from those guys! Their music is great, but they performed in Atlantic City last summer and charged $190 for a ticket. With parking and slots, that's almost three hundred bucks to see two geezers who were hideous when they were young. Cheerfully saving money on this endeavor.

3. Mega church Sunday service. No explanation needed on this one, and I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir.

4. Cottage cheese. Hate it. Always have, always will, not going to eat it anymore.


5. Tornado chasing. This is not for me. It's tempting fate. Those storms kill people. It's like inviting bad luck into your life.

6. Anything having to do with falling through the sky. Including, but not limited to, skydiving, hang gliding, cliff diving, zip lines, bungee jumping, and most of the more extreme amusement park rides.


7. Battle re-enactment. I know some of you like to do this. It's not for me. Not while people are running for their lives anywhere on the planet. I think it's bad form to play war.


8. Alabama. I don't even want to wander across the state line of Alabama by accident on a dark night. If you're reading this, and you live in Alabama, set me straight. If I get no impassioned defenses of that place, it stays firmly off the Anne chart.


9. Pony. I don't really want a pony. They eat a lot, they need a large plot of ground, they attract horse flies. No, I don't ever, ever want a pony. [sour grapes bucket list]


10. Get eaten by Megalodon. Every anti-bucket list should have something on it that is easy to accomplish ... or, in this case, not.

So there you have it! All the things I certainly don't want to do, eat, or see before I die. If you don't have an anti-bucket list, I highly recommend it. You'll feel more satisfied on your death bed if you just review what you never wanted to do and know that you didn't do it.


Thursday, August 14, 2014

Interview with a Bored Goddess: Minerva

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we stray from our mission more than we serve it! (This makes us human.)

I've been thinking lately about how stupid I am when it comes to computers and their technology. I'm old enough to remember the first word processors that were sold for use -- first in universities, then in business. Back in the day, I was one of the first to use the computer that was installed at the company where I worked. Alas, my ground-breaking days are long gone. Computers have moved far more swiftly than my ability to understand them.

This is the moment when I have to get my arms around computers. "Woe is me," I thought. "There's no bored deity who understands web design and coding!"

BAMP! Wrong.

Please give a warm, wonderful "Gods Are Bored" welcome to Minerva, ancient Goddess of Wisdom, who has come here today for a hearty breakfast of scrambled eggs, muffins, and local blueberries!
Anne: Oh, you brought an owl!

Minerva: It wants to visit with Decibel the parrot.

Anne: Have at it, owl! Steer clear of Decibel's beak.

Minerva: Anne this is a wise owl. Can I have some blueberries?

Anne: Help yourself! Minerva, I have a problem. This whole computer technology has eluded me. I want my students to be able to use their smart phones in class, but I'm so stupid with my phone that I hesitate to try it. I read all the time in the newspaper that coding is the latest and greatest job-creator, and I would like to help my students learn it. But I myself know next to nothing about coding.

Minerva: Ha! Coding is a snap! Can I see your computer?

[Minerva taps a few keys on Anne's laptop. The machine leaves the table and starts to do the breakfast dishes.]

Anne: How did you do that?

Minerva: I'm a Goddess of wisdom. These days, wisdom includes computer technology. Do you know how much time I have on My hands in this desperately dark era? Enough to hang out at MIT -- and in the basements of geeks looking for vulnerabilities to exploit in software applications. By the way ... that weird Russian message in your email inbox? Change your password.

Anne: So, will you teach me coding?

Minerva: What, do you want Me to wave some magic wand and make you a geek?  Slacker! Teach yourself! How do you think your students got way ahead of you? They weren't praying to Me, that much I know. They were working. Experimenting. Sharing knowledge. Want to be humbled? Ask your students to teach coding to you.

Anne: Wise Goddess. I was looking to cut some corners, I'll admit. Coding is complicated.

Minerva: Start here. Get up off your duff and stop moaning about how much better the 20th century was! You know what century was great? 24 BCE! Now there was a century!

Anne: Yes. That puts it in perspective. You deities kind of have to move with the times, don't You?

Minerva: It's that, or be twice as bored as We already are. If the only language I knew was Etruscan, I wouldn't even be able to talk to you. Are you going to eat that last muffin?

Anne: It's all yours, Great Goddess. Oh, I wonder if you would grant me at least a small petition?

Minerva: It depends.

Anne: Can you keep the dishwashing program in my computer? Look at the job it's doing on that bacon grease!

Minerva: Done, darling.

[Conversation is interrupted by a loud bout of squawking in a nearby room.]

Minerva: Your parrot is a menace to society. You know that, don't you?

Anne: Yes, Goddess. This is one wisdom I have acquired through long observation. Some jam for Your muffin?

Minerva: Thanks ever so much.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

May He Have Found the Summerlands

Robin Williams died Monday after a long illness.

Mr. Williams was one of America's most beloved entertainers. He was a hilarious stand-up, he starred in comedy television shows, and his list of films is longer than almost anyone else his age.

But even in his earliest years, Mr. Williams suffered from _________________, a chronic ailment that is treatable only by medication that has debilitating side effects.

During the early stages of his illness, Mr. Williams didn't know his diagnosis. He allayed his pain with over-the-counter medications, which some people who suffer from ____________________ find easier to use than the prescriptions available for the illness.

Eventually Mr. Williams received his diagnosis. He also understood that there was no hope for a cure, that he could only manage the sickness with a relentless and careful use of prescription medications. Unfortunately, for some people who have this illness, medication can interrupt or alter their abilities to do their jobs. Although I have no evidence, I would say that probably Mr. Williams was one of these people.

Many people who have ________________________ either deny it or are ashamed of it, or both. This is because ___________________ is an internal degenerative illness that has no clear physical symptoms. The kind of sympathy people lavish on patients with broken limbs or cancer is almost always unavailable to people with ______________. It's basically a sickness that has to be borne in silence.

Today we're hearing the usual outpouring of grief over Mr. Williams's death. Knowing his illness the way I do, I'm actually glad he lived as long as he did, and worked as hard as he did. An untreated case of _________________ can lead to much earlier mortality.

May Robin Williams have found the Summerlands. He fought the good fight with a dreadful illness, and he was remarkably productive despite his sickness. I admire him.

Friday, August 08, 2014

Snobville Annual Sidewalk Sale!

Howdy howdy! It's me, Anne Johnson, your favorite gal on the street, bringing you highlights of the Snobville, New Jersey sidewalk sale!

Every year during the first week of August, Snobville holds a sidewalk sale so that the merchants can get rid of their summer merchandise. There are great deals to be had, if you're rich and like to feel like you're saving money.

There are three kinds of stores in Snobville: Stores that sell stupid stuff, stores that sell designer stuff, and CVS Pharmacy.


Snobville abounds with chic little boutiques. They all participate in the sidewalk sale. What bargains there are to be had! The $315 pair of blue jeans are 50 percent off!

Seriously. How did I ever wind up in this town?

If what you want is a cat coffee mug, or some little sign about your dog, or yoga pants that started life at $175, or yet another little clutch purse, or Nike sneakers made in Vietnam, then Snobville is your go-to sidewalk sale. If, on the other hand, you buy clothing for comfort and durability, you can give this little affair the brush.

There's one exception to this Rule of Expensive Sidewalk Sales.

If you are looking for a bridal gown or a prom dress, then Snobville's sidewalk sale is your bargain-hunting dream.

Snobville has four stores that sell gooey gowns. We all know the deal with bridal gowns: the samples get tried on by legions of cranky Bridezillas. Then the season ends and the new styles come out. So the stores sell the sample gowns at the very reasonable price of $150. Now, that's what I call a deal! (Are you reading this, Heir and Spare?)

Ditto, but to a lesser extent, prom gowns. Usually the bargain prom gowns at the sidewalk sale have some issue, missing sequins being the predominant gripe. But seriously. Who looks at prom gowns that closely? Put it another way: How hard is it to sew a sequin back where it belongs, when it's hanging there by a thread already?

If you paid more than $25 for your prom gown, you should have come to Snobville in August.

There's no moral to this sermon. I just spent the morning strolling around Snobville and the afternoon reading library books. It's how I rolled today. Other people go to Paris on their vacations, but I'm perfectly content to peruse bargain bridal gowns, cat coffee mugs, and jeans that will go onto someone else's butt.


Wednesday, August 06, 2014

180

Has this ever happened to you?

I had a colleague with whom I had to work closely, because we were the only sophomore teachers at our school. I loved her dearly, but wow, she was a challenge at times. First of all, she wore makeup like a movie star, perfect every day (which, folks, will take 20 years off your age). Then, she dressed impeccably every day, with matching jewelry and heels. Last but not least, she was one of the most anxious people I ever met. Last year was her final year of teaching. She sweated through her evaluations and worried herself sick about new test prep lessons. Sweet lady, but boy oh boy did she fret. She retired with no little fanfare on June 27.

I was afraid they might not replace my colleague at all, but they did. For the last two days I have been in a workshop with the replacement teacher.

He wears tie-dye shirts that he makes himself. Every day. He shaves if he feels like it. He would rather talk about bluegrass than teaching. He's a union rep. And he's my age. He and I will be the sophomore teachers this year.

Have you ever found someone in your life replaced by someone so completely and utterly opposite that you can't quite get over it? I've never been in this situation before. Every time the presenter at our teacher workshop says, "Pair up with the other teachers at your level," I find myself looking across the table at a person so completely opposite his predecessor that it boggles the mind.

Please tell me if this has ever happened to you. I'm not upset about it, I'm just adjusting to the new, completely different, reality.

Sunday, August 03, 2014

Don't Be Jealous of My Druid Grove

Envy is a sin. I want you to keep that in mind as I describe my Druid Grove's Lughnasadh ritual. Of course we all strive for perfection. Can I help it that this Grove has been together so long that we have achieved it?


A good location is important for any worship. Here's ours. It's an easy 26-hour flight to Fiji. We don't mind the commute a bit. Worth it to praise the bored gods the way they ought to be praised!


Our leader, Archdruid Wallace, insists upon careful observation of all ritual activities. You'd better not forget your lines or your cues.


This is one of our seven altars. We used this one today because all the native flowers were coincidentally blooming at this one moment.


Our Chief Priestess is so misunderstood! Her colleagues at the Fed belittle her all the time about her "silly hobby." And props to her. She works in a building with $80 million in the basement, and she never contemplates revenge. Strong woman.


I know attendance can be an issue for some of you folks, but as you can see, Black Oak Grove has it going on. Not to brag or anything.

We held our Lughnasadh Ritual on August 3, and as always, it was perfect. Let's face it, perfection should be the goal of every worship service. The Gods and Goddesses will not accept a ho-hum performance.

OKAY, ALREADY, BACK TO REALITY

Black Oak Grove met in a local state park. The pavilion was not available; it had been leased.  We were eight in number, a high for us since about 2009. We didn't have an altar ... or mead ... it started raining ... our fire was small and listless ... and we loved every minute, and the Gods love us. Wherever and whenever someone raises a prayer to the bored deities, They are simply delighted.

Postscript:

A reader of this blog came to our ritual! His name is Cliff, and he's a great guy. I snapped this little photo of him while he wasn't looking:

Black Oak Grove: Bored God approved since 2005!

Friday, August 01, 2014

Two Thirds of the Year

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," Lughnasadh Edition 2014. It is a time of reflection.

Pagan practice centers upon the ancient cycle of planting and harvesting followed by our ancestors. But I have always felt that the Wheel is also a metaphor for our lives, both on a year-to-year basis and on a lifetime basis. This Lughnasadh I am thinking about the fact that my life is probably two-thirds over, and my First Harvest is bearing fruit.

My daughters are grown into level-headed young women. They are my most precious fruits.

My husband still loves me. Can you imagine tolerating my antics for 35 years? Hats off to the guy.

This blog is a nice fruit. It's been a good place to kick up my heels, laugh, and let off steam.

Blessed First Harvest to you, reader. Dip into the John Barleycorn for me.