You look up in the sky, and there it is: the Sun. And you know that something so warm and dependable is going to have loads of bored deities looking after it, right? Indeed! I mean, the best NASA can do is watch it through a telescope and tell us when it gets spots. But making it rise and set on time? You need deities for that!
With the Sun on my mind, I sought about to find a bored Sun god with a chip on His shoulder. Well, Who should wander in (wearing a swell pair of Ray-bans) but Dazbog, the ancient Slavic God of the Sun! I'm a woman with a mission today, and I'm hoping Dazbog will help me. Please give a warm, wonderful, Gods Are Bored welcome to Dazbog the Sun God!
Anne: YeeeOWWWWCH! Hello, Might One. Would you mind sitting a little further away? You're scorching my eyebrows.
Dazbog: No problem. How about over here on the couch?
Anne: Emmmm .... ahhhhhh ... would you consider one of these dining room chairs? It's not upholstered.
[Dazbog promptly reduces the chair to ash.]
Dazbog: Maybe I should just stand.
Anne: You are indeed a very bored god, Dazbog. The Christians showed you no respect, toppled your statues and undermined your ministry. Must have made you hot under the collar .. tee hee!
Dazbog: Dumb, Anne, even by your low standards. I was by turns furious and heartbroken. Poland was a paradise when I was its God. Now look at it!
Anne: I've never been there. I've only seen photos. But I presume that the sun still shines down on it.
Dazbog: Not like it used to, when they were all praying to me. I only give it a half-hearted attempt these days. They deserve those long, cold winters!
Anne: Now, that's exactly why I asked You here today. I like long, cold winters, but what I don't like is the early darkness. I could have turned to dozens of gods in multiple pantheons, but I chose you, Dazbog, to ...
Dazbog: To stay in the sky a little longer, huh?
Anne: Yes! Exactly!
Dazbog: Not doing it.
Anne: I can't change your mind?
Dazbog: No, and I double dog guarantee you that you won't get any other Sun deities to do it either. We've all been usurped -- and not by another Sun god, but a Father god. It would be hard enough to lose custom to one of your own, but to a Father god? Pathetic! I've had it with the human race!
Anne: Then why do You shine at all?
Dazbog: It's not easy to find re-training at my age. I tried the refrigeration industry ...
Anne (to herself): And he called me dumb.
Dazbog: I tried solar power. But all the Sun gods are trying solar power. We're all fighting over it.
Anne: I'll be in your corner Dazbog, if you just cancel the whole Northern Hemisphere thing. If you just stay the course.
Dazbog: Shame on you! One of your three readers is from Australia! Would you have him freeze to death?
Anne: I'm not talking about hours and hours here ... just an hour a day more sun than You give us here in New Jersey in the wintertime.
Dazbog: Not doing it. Neither will Ra. Neither will Helios. Neither will Aja. You want the whole list, or just the top ten? Besides, there's a simple solution to your problem. Move to the western edge of your time zone.
Anne: I did that! I lived in Detroit for four years. And yes, You stayed in the sky longer in the evenings, but it was dark when I walked to work! I almost got hit by a bus! Pleeeeeeze, Dazbog? Just a simple hour? Oh pleeeeeeeeeze?
Dazbog: Sorry, Anne. Unlike Father gods, we Sun gods are predictable in our ways. We're by-the-book. And the book says that, this time next week, you start getting less sunshine.
Anne: For a little fame? A few tithes and offerings?
Dazbog: Where are you going to find those? In case you haven't noticed, Poland is a very Christian country. My praise and worship team is still going on about that pope they sent to Rome!
Anne: Yeah, you're right. I have zero influence and no money to tithe. It was a shot in the dark ... I mean, in the light ... oh Hell, you know what I mean.
Dazbog: I appreciate the invite. What's in the fridge?
Anne: Nothing edible now, I'm afraid. Doggone it. I was really looking forward to that Jello mold.
Dazbog: I'm so sorry. Here you are being kind to Me, and I scorch your storehouse!
Anne: Surely that's worth an extra hour of daylight.
Dazbog: No, it's worth $236, and 23 of those little green stamps you're collecting to get free pots and pans. I'll send you a check.
Anne: Sorry for saying this, but you're pretty cold.
Dazbog: Bitter, yes. Cold, never. A Father god indeed! If I live to be ten billion, I'll never get over it!
[Dazbog ascends to the sky, muttering under his breath.]
It was worth a try. I basically hate it getting dark at 5:00 p.m. But I guess I'll just have to grin and bear it. Or move to the tropics. Now there's a solution I'd like to try!