Saturday, June 27, 2009

Thorough check reveals no god who rewards wealth acquisition

By Anne Johnson

After completing a comprehensive search of the Holy Database, our research team has been unable to uncover a single deity that actively encourages humans to become as rich as possible and maintain a lifestyle so lavish that it slides off the top of the scale.

We spoke to deities from the Celtic, Norse, Inca, Aztec, Chinese, Japanese, North American, Indian, and Middle Eastern pantheons. Many of these deities supported the idea of prosperity among their followers, but by prosperity they meant a modest degree of creature comfort and the probability that children will live to adulthood. The vast majority of them agreed that greed and gluttony are sinful, especially if other people in the community are unable to find basic sustenance.

We could not get an audience with YWHW, or however you spell His name. He's way too busy to see us. A quick consultation of his Users Manual revealed a certain loathing for golden statues and such that would lead one to believe that He doesn't go in much for that kind of thing. But again, we at "The Gods Are Bored" cannot speak for this overworked deity. Maybe He has changed His mind about greed and just didn't tell anyone but a few select members of His mortal leadership team.

Whatever bored God or Goddess you choose to follow, you can take comfort in knowing that your deity does not expect you to suck in more than your share of the fat of the land. Now go clip some coupons and be glad you own a functional pair of scissors. Your deity loves you just the way you are.


Celestite said...

glad we got that survey done...and just in time to get the word out to the Prosperity Preachers in time for the Sunday sermon so they can revise the expected standard of living down a notch or two, maybe even leave the Rolls in the driveway.

Good research, well done!

THE Michael said...

Bob, my official spokesperson for the divine, assures me that anyone making more than $87396.32 (yea, OK, that's after taxes) a year will be forced to enter the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes for all eternity, without, of course, ever winning a red cent, the hell of it being that no one will ever fill them in on that sad fact. I asked him why that exact figure, and he pulled out that old "the devine works in mysterious ways" answer. Besides, there has to be SOMETHING juicy to discover after you kick the bucket or it's no fun ever having existed in the first place. Works for me!


the Goddess says she just wants girls to have fun...

Anonymous said...

Speaking of the Holy Database, I stumbled across about a show on the CW last night called Valentine. It's about the Olympian Pantheon living in a house (I don't know where - probably LA) here on earth.