Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" It's Father's Day. Do you know where your spouse is?
Oh, I can't help it! When posturing politicians are exposed as crass hypocrites, I just love it!
Well, for a minute. Then I think about the loyal wife and kids left behind, and it pisses me off. Here in New Jersey, I don't have to throw stones very far to hit one of these cheating skunks.
I don't get around much, but it does seem to me that big-name politicians are disproportionately involved in extra-marital affairs. What do you think?
Well gosh. I should just take this query to a bored god, huh?
And here He comes now, smelling of Chaps cologne and bearing a bouquet of flowers from the grocery store. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Zeus, ancient Father God of the Greek Pantheon!
Zeus (offering flowers): For you, my sweet. Oh! Is that your bedroom? Why don't we...
Anne: Shove off, chump.
Zeus: I could turn into any animal you like. Wanna get jiggy with a vulture?
Anne: Not in this lifetime, thank you. Now, stop! Going bald and sprouting feathers will not win me over! Give it up.
Zeus: Well, you scheduled the interview. I thought...
Anne: You always think. It's all you think about. If you hadn't been such a horny rodent, Jesus wouldn't have been so attractive to Your followers.
Zeus: What is it about sexual purity that people admire so much? I don't get it.
Anne: Oh, I don't know. Maybe something about having some respect for other peoples' feelings? Like, especially the people you claim to love the most?
Zeus: If it's love you want to talk about, you'll need to see my daughter and grandson.
Anne: Actually I wanted to ask you why men in power pretend to be all moral, and then go off and cheat on their wives.
Zeus: Easy! They channel me.
Anne: Get outta here! Cheating politicians are actually channeling a bored Greek deity?
Zeus: Sometimes they aren't aware it's me. They're just conscious of a feeling of elevated importance. Then it moves on to a conviction that they can get away with anything. Thereafter quickly follows the heady ambition of climbing straight to the top of the ladder, while still charming the pants off the ladies.
Anne: And all of that is them channeling you.
Zeus: I hope I don't sound immodest. Yes.
Anne: That's unethical. You shouldn't possess a mortal who doesn't ask you to fuck up his life.
Zeus: Since when have I cared about mortals' lives? I want to have some fun! I don't get around much anymore. Cut me some slack.
Anne: Oh, I'd like to cut something. Not slack. Something else.
Zeus: Pitiful mortal! PREPARE TO FEEL MY WRATH!
Anne: Oh! Zeusie would hurt pretty lil' Annie? (Flutters eyelids, looks coy.)
Zeus: That's better! Now about your bedroom... Is that a tempurpedic mattress? YEEEEOOOOOWWWWWWWW!
Sorry, folks. I'm usually very polite to visiting deities, but Zeus is an ass. I just had to boot him out the window.
Makes you wonder about the ancient Greeks. So smart about math and philosophy, and the best they could do for a God is Zeus? Pathetic.
Let this be a lesson to all you dudes out there. When your eye strays, it might not be you. It might be the Zeus within. Consult a Greek exorcist and get your butt home to the loyal spouse.