Sunday, November 30, 2008

International Anne Johnson Day

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Are you tired of a religion so crowded with followers that people get stomped at 5:00 a.m. just trying to bust their way into the church? Step aside from that madness! There's a kind bored Goddess who will shower you with serendipitous gifts, just if you smile at Her. Stand aside from that throng! It's evil.

There are so many holidays, and the biggest ones fall in the darkest months. That's a tough sleigh ride, my friends. Think about it. Do you ever see anyone stressed out over the Fourth of July? Even if your large and dysfunctional family gathers on that day, they all seem to get along.

Not so for Thanksgiving and Xmas. Why is it that these two pustules on the holiday calendar bring out the very worst in everyone? And not just your mother-in-law. You can understand that. But how about the dude in the car behind you, honking his fool head off because you dare to obey the speed limit? What happens to people this time of year?

I know, I know. It's the short days, the dark months, the lack of sunlight, the cold. Which brings me full circle to my first question: Who decided to schedule big family gatherings at this time?

I've given some serious thought to this, and I've decided to create a new holiday. About a year ago I plugged my name into some computer thingy that told me there are 341,000 Anne Johnsons in the United States of America. (I wish I'd bookmarked that.)

So, all you Anne Johnsons out there, let's get together and choose a date, and on that date we rule.

Personally I'm not in favor of scheduling this holiday between October 31 and February 14. My preference would be some time in August. Beach weather. So that, on International Anne Johnson Day, all the posh seashore resorts will be sprinkled with delighted Anne Johnsons, soaking up the sun and reading an improving novel, occasionally venturing into the surf, and then spending the evening strolling the boardwalk with nary a family member in sight!

If your name is Anne Johnson, please contact me to help me secure a date for International Anne Johnson Day. For the purposes of this occasion, we will graciously include Ann Johnsons as well.


Aquila ka Hecate said...

Hmm..unfortunately, my name isn't Anne Johnson this time around.

However, I'm not so sure that Christmas being in your winter has as much to do with idiot behaviour as all that.
Here it's midsummer just before Christmas, and guess what? People go on a sense-less spree as well!
The roads are at their most dangerous, homicides are up as well as suicides. I think it may have more to do with December and That Damn Holday marking the end of the year. I know I'm hectically busy in my work right now-because many people want to rush their stuff so that they can rush to the beach, and possibly kill themselves on the way. Our road carnage figures in December are astronomical.

Terri in Joburg

Anonymous said...

I've found a couple of things that supposedly do this but they don't appear to be accurate... ~ US name checker

There are 2,824 people in the U.S. named Anne Johnson. ~ UK version

Not sure about the UK one... apparently I'm totally unique o.O

But i thought i'd post these anywya, though I can't say how accurate they are.

I'm not an Anne Johnson but I agree wiht the idea of your day in the summer.

BBC said...

It seems to me that people get along pretty well at Thanksgiving, well, around here anyway. But they soon get over it and back to their old ways.

And I pretty much hate the whole month of December and all that insanity.

I'll be camping in the country on Christmas, no way I'm staying in town. The only money I will be spending on it will be sent to.

Ha, my verification word is cabless, that's okay, I have a bike, ha ha ha.

yellowdog granny said...

there is only one of me...ME...i like the fact that there is only one will start my own religion of just me...and have my holiday on every day of the's my fecking gift..?

democommie said...

Imagine,when I googled for my non-wageslave name, Vercingetorex Himmler, nothing came up. Oh, well, I'll just change it to something simple, like George W. Bush, that's a nice name.

Thalia Took said...

Oh man! I gotta change my name again?

'Cause I totally want to be in on Anne Johnson Day.

BBC said...

She would want a gift. *rolls eyes*

Anne Johnson said...

I think How Many of Me is totally bogus. How can there possibly be only 2800 Anne Johnsons in America? There's another Anne Johnson living right here on my street. I just checked the phone book -- there's another Ann Johnson with a listed number.

However, I am suspicious enough of the high end number to change my profile information. It's high time to update it anyway.

Billy, the parameters of International Anne Johnson Day were clearly outlined in the entry. No mention was made of gifts. But by all means, if you want to, I'm a size 10.

Maeve said...

Is it just me that thinks "Black Plague" every time someone says "Black Friday"?!

Athana said...

Count me 100% behind a summer-months Ann/Anne Johnson day! Don't suppose all you Ann/Annes would let the rest of us roll Xmas and Turkey day in there too. Lately I can't come within ten miles of my family in Nov-Dec. without major havoc ensuing. I thought that by staying home only three days this year at T day I'd clear the hurdle.

But no.

On the way to the airport to plunk me on the plane home again, my mother discovered that the reason my cousin's wife came to T Day dinner and left after 30 seconds was because of me. I said something to her hubby my nephew about being rude to Mother. So now in the interests of family unity, the very mother who was maligned wants me to apologize for barking at her maligner.

Do any of you have the names of a few of the better Goddesses of Justice out there? I need a consult or two.

Thalia Took said...

I decided last year that since I'm the one cooking dinner, I get to call the shots. Which means that my sister's fiancee got uninvited last year after my sister assumed she could come along, since I don't like her (the fiancee, now, alas, wife). It's not as mean or petty as it sounds, though. I just couldn't see the point in two people who can't stand each other hanging out and making an already stressful day a living hell, when you could both just be grown-ups about it and say, nah. Especially given the irony of doing it for the illusion of "family." I'm one of those people who'd rather have it out in the open and acknowledged, though, which I suppose makes me a hard-core Truthian. Though perhaps I'm just tired.

Athana, that's pretty twisted, logic-wise. I'm sorry. (Radfem me could probably spent an hour or two ranting on how the whole martyr thing feeds the patriarchy and how it's in women's interests in a system like that to turn against each other and themselves, &c., &c., but I'll spare everyone, and just note that, yeah, it's real effed up.)

So, justice Goddesses? There is of course Iusticia, Justice Herself, though I suspect She's all about family unity Herself; there's Themis (Divine Voice or Law) Whose type of justice is an inner, intuitive sort, as She was also an Oracle; there's Her daughter Dike, Whose focus is more on man-made type laws and custom, though Eirene (Peace) is Her sister. There is Demeter Thesmophoros, the Lawgiver, Who might know something about strained mother-daughter relationships.

There's also Ma'at, a personal favorite, Whose role in judgement is to balance the heart against the wrongs committed; so She might help cut through the surface crap to get to the real of things from the heart's point of view.

Then there are the Erinyes if you want to be really really hard-core. Though they tend to side with parents against children, so.

And there's also Athena, of course, but I'll bet you knew that. :)

Thalia Took said...

Oops, that would be "reality of things". You know, so I make some sense.