Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Twilight, as Seen by Anne

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," celebrating the return of the vultures to Wenonah, New Jersey! More and more buzzards appear each evening as winter settles in. You see, here in New Jersey every bit of countryside has been cleared for development ... leaving old Wenonah, with its large, mature pines, as the buzzard roost of record.

My daughter The Spare wanted to see this vampire movie Twilight over the weekend. What was remarkable was that she agreed that I could come along. (This is a huge concession when you're 14.) Then she invited two of her friends who I can actually tolerate. Off we toddled to Twilight.

You get to be a certain age, and some things occur to you that pass right over the head of a 14-year-old audience. Like, the entire cast of vampire high schoolers looked like they ought to be sipping pina coladas at Trader Vic's. And who applied the makeup? Little heavy on the white powder, eh? If I were the school nurse, I'd be sending home sharply worded letters about anemia.

How do you go to high school without touching anyone all day, every day? Without being openly OCD, I mean. Surely you're going to rub against someone in the crowded corridor. And if that someone is as cold as a corpse, you're gonna say, "Whoa. Dude! You feel dead!"

I know this about crowded corridors. I work in a high school. I wish they would call me more often.

But the school is one thing, and locking lips with a vampire for purposes of snogging is another.

Hopefully you were never shoved over to an open casket and ordered to give dead Granny a goodbye kiss. I think that kind of thing went out of vogue with the Victorian era. But if his fingers are cold as ice, what about his lips? Is that as easy to overlook as morning breath?

Turns out vampires can be killed by being beheaded and set on fire. Which leaves nothing behind for Sacred Thunderbirds. Objectionable content.

A word about the acting. Sucks, except for the dad. He was pretty good. Furthermore, it is very easy to find the real James Dean on DVD, and whoa, doggies, he is sexy like Saturday night. Our dear Edward in Twilight is a pale -- very, very, very pale -- imitation.

So, when it comes to Twilight, we at "The Gods Are Bored" say, "Save your money." Unless you've got a 14-year-old who allows you to go along, and joke afterwards with her pals at Friendly's. Her pals who say you're the coolest mom around ...

Wow. That was a great movie!



mrsb said...

My 16 year old son said it was one of the worst movies of his life (he's read and loved all the books). I passed on seeing it. Apparently most of the girls around loved it. I think "Edward" was the real selling point for them, though.

He wasn't bad as Cederic Diggory in HP/Goblet of Fire.

How is he going to pass for 17 for the next 3 movies? They better get to filming them really fast!

Emily Lilly said...

I went to my husband's grandmother's funeral in western North Carolina in 2002, and people were kissing her and holding her hands while she was in the open casket. They were also commenting on her appearance--so peaceful, so much like they remembered her (she had shaken from Parkinson's for the last decade of her life, so that particular comment actually makes some sense), etc.

Perhaps some areas are more Victorian than others...

yellowdog granny said...

everyone keeps telling me to 'read the books, you'll love them'...uh...maybe..
the mony pleased some people...made $70million buckeroos

THE Michael said...

I've given up trying to find logic in what today's kids find "cool", like pants falling off a boys ass if he didn't have them pined up to his underwear, a condition which once would have had one arrested for public lewdness. Or these wide legged short pants which look to me remarkably like culottes. Which GIRLS used to wear.

Anonymous said...

ROFL and snort and all that. Hilarious.

Can't resist a Vampire movie or story but will wait for netflix...

As for kissing vampires, I understand that if they have recently fed, they are actually warm. *laugh* It's the high school during the day that puzzles me.

WyrrdWitch said...

If I were the school nurse, I'd be sending home sharply worded letters about anemia.

YOU are a hoot and a half. I'm 38, just finished reading the entire Twilight saga and totally enjoyed it. I'm going to eventually see the movie and know that it's gonna suck (pardon the pun). Movies are rarely as good as the books they are based on.

mrsb: I didn't even recognize the actor as the same guy that played Cederic Diggory in HP. Thanks for pointing that out.

WyrrdWitch said...

Oh, I forgot, Happy Thanksgiving!

Hillbilly Fairy said...

ok, but if i were 17 i'd be totally hot for edward cullen. i haven't read the books (yet) but i looked upon the movie as just another teen romance comedy, but WITH VAMPIRES. once you realize that's what it is, it's actually kind of sweet. I loved the fight scene between the bad vampires and the good vampires -- oh and that dreadlocked vampire was pretty hot too. i have to agree with you about the makeup -- it looked so fake! could it be that this movie was supposed to be -- campy????

Hillbilly Fairy said...

ps i gave my Spare a Charles DeLint book for her birthday - she's in a post-Twilight funk, having read the series through.