Thursday, August 14, 2008

White Magic Going Bad?

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," counting down the days until my daughter The Heir goes to college.... Seven. *weeps*

Okay. Enough of that. Self-pity ain't pretty.

Did you see Stuart Shepard from Focus on the Family ask his viewers to pray for a torrential rain on Barack Obama's acceptance speech? You did? Tell me how that is different from black magic. The dude is even holding a wand! (Actually it's an umbrella, but he uses it like a wand.)

You gotta be careful what you ask for, Stu. The family of four swept away in a Rocky Mountain flash flood may be your own.

Magic is very, very tricky. My two white magic projects are making me feel my amateur status quite painfully.

1. Spell #1: Saving the Small Stream

For several years I've been engaged in trying to save a small mountain stream from becoming the sewage sluice for a town of 11,000 people. That town doesn't exist right now -- the tract of land is free of human habitation. Attempts to keep it that way are still slowly grinding forward, a victory here, a setback there. You know how it is with developers. They never give up.

I asked the bored Goddess Cloacina to guard the stream for me. She is the ancient Roman Goddess of Cleanliness. Cloacina was eager to have the work. She paid her own transportation costs to the site. But in typical ancient Roman fashion, She has used every tactic in Her considerable power to git r done.

The proposed Appalachian Mountain development is called Terrapin Run, after the pretty little stream. Its developer, the shadowy PDC Corporation, has made the news lately for lapses in completion of other Maryland developments. These lapses have led to burglaries (because PDC did not install mandatory street lights), and automobile accidents (because PDC did not complete storm water runoff ponds). My source for this information is a July 24, 2008 article in Maryland Community Newspapers Online, by Andrea Noble.

Has the bored Goddess I petitioned actually tried to scuttle the Terrapin Run project by allowing innocent folks in other suburban developments to be burglarized?

This is why I never, ever pray for rain.

2. Spell #2: The Enchanted Plastic Dinosaurs

My legions and legions of readers will recall that my daughters and I decided to liven up a local park that was dedicated to dinosaurs (but had only a boring plaque) by putting toy dinosaurs out for kids to play with. Of course we do this anonymously. And we've watched happy kids play with the dinos. This looks like a white magic slam-dunk.

Nope. While my daughters and I have always put out only larger dinosaurs that cannot be swallowed, it seems that other anonymous folks have taken up the cause, and some of the dinos they leave could be swallowed by a little kid. Now my family has to prowl that site vigilantly, removing all undersized plastic dinos. But are we vigilant enough? What sort of dangerous project have we unleashed here?

Can you tell I'm a little insecure today? Advice, anyone?


Hecate said...

We witches wind up our spells, "For the good of all and to the harm of none, this is my will, so mote it be." It's kind of a catch-all clause in our contract with the universe: "you know what the fuck I mean, don't play cute with me, you magnificent, tricky bitch." Usually, it works. ;)

THE Michael said...

What you have done is set off a chain of events that will result in the construction of a nuclear power plant where the development would have gone, with the pretty stream being turned into a huge concrete sluice running to an even larger cooling pond which will enevitably suffer a leak, forcing radioactive coolant into the ground water and causing all the wildlife and people to glow in the dark.

But it gets worse.......

The surrounding countryside soon becomes ravaged by animated radioactive plastic Tyranosaurus Rex's. They seemed so harmless when you placed them at that future site of the John McCain Nuclear power plant, didn't they?

See what happens when you fail to calibrate your wand?

Just kidding.......

Anne Johnson said...

Oh, Michael. I feel so much better now!!!!!

sageweb said...

Oh you are so sweet to start something like the dinasaurs. Too bad people dont understand that kisd like to put things in their mouths.

I have to laugh at the guy praying for rain...what an idiot.

Tennessee Jed said...

She will do very well, she is your daughter after all.

If any sort of mo-jo ever really worked for rain, the master of that skill would be wealthy beyond anything Gates or Jobs could ever dream.

Dinos are only another dangerous thing in a dangerous world, parents of wee children must be diligent. It is true and real magic that any child makes it to five years old.

Evn said...

"you know what the fuck I mean, don't play cute with me, you magnificent, tricky bitch."

Funny, that's how I end all my spells, too. And also my assistant's annual reviews. And Mother's Day.

Davo said...

relevant or not .. perhaps your 'majik' ALSO operates across the equator. have just been made aware via the local media of a river system, theoretically protected in a "National Park"; a coal mine forgotten and neglected, spewing toxic waste.

Am old now Annie. Have no children to carry passion. Forgive me if i ramble.