Sunday, August 31, 2008

Patience Extender

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Someone had better throw some gold into the Gulf of Mexico. The bored god Hurracan hasn't ever been as steamed up as He's been in the past decade. Hey, don't blame Him. He's just getting tight on CO2 ... our bad, not His.

As you probably know by now, I'm going to the hospital on Tuesday for an extended stay. Hopefully. Because, you know, if you show up with the sniffles they send you home, and it's goldenrod season.

I had a Mennonite friend named Lewis. He was a swell guy, may he rest in peace. During his final illness he was sent to a Mennonite nursing home. There he broke his "Patience Extender." That happens all the time in nursing homes.

This afternoon I didn't break my personal Patience Extender, but I sure dented the hell out of it. So just now I went out and bought a brand new one to take with me to the hospital. It is state of the art. The warranty says it will keep you patient through eight years of a bad presidential administration. It's certified for use with a newborn baby. But what settled me on paying more for the Patience Extender Model #23 was the fact that it has been tested on the New Jersey Turnpike by daily commuters from Philly to NYC. A ringing endorsement!

One cannot live with a macaw and not have a Patience Extender. I can't recommend enough that you get one if things in your life piss you off. At the very least, you should never go to the hospital without one.


Anonymous said...

Best of luck to you sweetie. I will be thinking of you often during your recovery

BBC said...

Screw them, they were told not to build there in the first place. Nature needs that area will take it back, I hope she whips their asses this time.

The place is full of lowlifes that want us to keep bailing them out with our tax dollars. Hello?? If you want to support them, get back to work. Stupid monkeys.

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.' The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her Mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said, 'Why, yes, Why do you ask?' The daughter replies, They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?

Anonymous said...


Be well and safe in the care of those you place your trust in.


I disagree with your characterization of NO as being full of lowlifes. There certainly are many of them there (as there are in any large city) but there are thousands of hard working, family loving folks whose history goes back to the days when the French Quarter was still french.

The biggest problem with NO is that the natural flood control features are gone. That was not done by the majority of the people, but by an handful of wealthy locals who saw an opportunity to make money, with the complicity of crooked pols and Army Corps of Engineers.

Good Joke!


RiverMist said...

i don't know what a patience extender.. :/

Anne Johnson said...

Actually there is no such thing, of course. The picture is of a remote control for a toy car.

yellowdog granny said...

i like having no makes life a lot more interesting..get well my season is coming and we'll have lots of reasons to try the patience of the machine..