Thursday, August 07, 2008

Deliver Us from Monotheism: Putting a Stop to Christian Influences in Your Home

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Are you a Pagan parent, concerned about the pressure your child may be under to experiment with Christianity or some other monotheistic religion? It would be handy to have a nice paperback you could read with strategies and suggestions to keep your kids out of trouble, wouldn't it?

Yeah. I know. Let's not hold our breaths until that one hits the stores.

So, in the absence of such a book, I, Anne Johnson, will be offering helpful hints on how to keep your precious children on your chosen Pagan path (or their chosen Pagan paths, if differing from yours). You can look to me for advice on how to steer your precious offspring clear of male-dominated monotheism ... the kind of religious philosophy that can and does lead to suicide bombings, spouse abuse, disavowal of sexual orientation, superiority complexes, narrow-mindedness, and voting patterns inconsistent with the general welfare of the citizenry. Readers, I am evoking bored deities to protect and preserve your children! So might it be.

Trust me, the monotheistic influence is pervasive in our culture. There's no escaping it. Politicians pander shamelessly to it, popular celebrities espouse it, and its adherents are constantly, and openly, trying to insert it into schools and other Constitutionally-protected institutions. Your beloved children can hardly leave the threshold of your home without having it shoved in their faces. Geezy peezy, half the time when someone knocks on your very door, they're peddling it -- right on your front porch!

How can you fight this tide without alienating your youngster?

Have no fear, precious reader! I, Anne Johnson, am here to help you! In future posts we will meet happy Pagan families and talk to them about how they keep their children strong in the big, broad, flexible outlook. We'll search for secret signs of budding monotheism in your child's life ... and we'll give you answers to the questions your kids will pose when you intervene!

Oh, we do have a lot of work ahead of us, don't we? Thank goodness for blogs! Because nothing is more serious, more consequential, and more essential to your life than raising an offspring steeped to the plimsol line in such essential Pagan concepts as acceptance of cultural differences, government assistance to the needy (through taxation if necessary), separation of church and state, and respect for sexual orientation.

My friends, stick with me as we place polytheism where it so richly deserves to be -- in your hearth and home. And especially in the tender minds of your vulnerable loved ones.

Their future is at stake ... emmmm ... maybe I ought to re-phrase that. We don't want to use the word stake, do we?

It's important. Now I'll pass the plate. Dig deep.


Inanna said...

I love you.

greer said...


Evn said...

Oooh, oooh! Can I be one of the happy Pagan families you interview?

I don't have "children" per se, but I do have two cats. And the bigger one is definitely Celtic-Eclectic.

yellowdog granny said...

every time some pagan trys to teach me all the pagan holidays and ways to celebrate them i freak out..telling them i'm a pagan..but i don't like organized religions even my own...

signed a fan of american's team....hahahahahahaha

Alex Pendragon said...

Ann, don't tell me (gasp) that the offspring are showing signs of......shall I dare say it.......REBELLION?

It is the mission in life of all offspring to adopt the polar opposite philosophies of their parents......I think it has to be genetic......and there is no defense against it.

However, you COULD lie to her and tell her that you honor a particularly nasty diety who is even more jealous and downright murderous than Jehova could ever hope to be, and that if she DARES to stray from the path, her suffering would be so terrible, the Gods would all weep to have to witness it.

Hey, it works for cults.............

EarthCitizen #23 'Scott' said...

I have been away tooooooo long!!
This is a classic now, too good.
Missed reading your blog, so will be back reading to catch up.

Yvonne said...

More! More!

Pom said...

Well monotheism doesn't seem to be a problem in my house. Living smack dab in the buckle of the bible belt as well as my own years of study have driven my teen daughter straight to atheism (better than being a monotheist!). BTW - monotheists are really just atheists - they deny the existence of the rest (which they really validate by denying them....)

All praise the rubber chicken!