Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Me and the NRA

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we shoot (off our mouths) and ask questions later. Bang bang! What the f***?

Sometimes I wonder what kind of profiling is being done on me out there in the great beyond. When your name's Anne Johnson, just about anything can come for you in the mail.

Last week it was an invitation to join the National Rifle Association.

They sent me a membership card with a bald eagle on it, and a questionnaire to fill out, and a self-addressed stamped envelope to mail back my membership payment in.

I kept the card for the moment. After I scrape the cat box with it, I'll send it back to them.

As for those membership dues, well, gosh. I think I'll join the ACLU instead. Sorry, NRA. But you can have your questionnaire back, in your handy prepaid envelope.

I've written about gun ownership before, and I know some of my readers own guns. And I say, you go. The Constitution, as currently interpreted, gives you the right.

As for me and my house, nope. No guns. Our only protection here is Decibel the Parrot. He's pretty formidable, I must say. His motto is "Fingers: The Other White Meat."

You know why I don't own a gun? Because I believe in production for use. If I had a gun, I would shoot something with it.

Isn't it nice that I'm self-aware enough to keep clear of such temptation?

Here's a "for instance":

Bringing daughter The Spare home from a visit to Granny in Baltimore. Heavy traffic on I-95, slowed to a rolling backup. Some shit-eatin' creep in a black Honda cuts us off so blatantly that I gasp and throw my hands over my eyes. Then, the minute our lane is slower than the one next to ours, he jumps back into the other lane again. He's a well-groomed white guy about 60 years old, talking on a cell phone while driving so recklessly you just gotta wonder how he lived to have gray hair.

Then our lane speeds up a little, and we pass him. For a moment I am staring straight at his profile, which has "K Street Lobbyist" written all over it.

If I am packing heat at that moment, a dude is wasted. Toast.

So I don't pack heat.

As for self-protection, well, if I can't brandish my parrot, I guess I'm shit outta luck. I'll take that chance. Because this is one Anne Johnson who could never be trusted with an active firearm. I should know. I live with her.


THE Michael said...

Anne, I have owned this one Walther PPKs for more than 20 years now. It has been with me from Houston Texas to Anchorage Alaska and back here to Florida. In all that time, I have used it ONCE in "anger", and that was against a diamond back rattlesnake that visited the wrong yard and threatened the wrong human and his animals. And I will not even swerve to hit any snake on the road. So yes, the moniker that "guns don't kill people" is litterally true. No one will ever eat one of my bullets unless they happen to be breaking into my home and threatening myself and/or loved ones. I don't even have a carry permit because I do not go places where I might need such protection, or that I can't drive away from. I know I could end up in a situation that a firearm could help me get out of, but then a meteor could hit my bedroom, so not ALL threats can be dealt with, but at least I am not adverse to making an effort.

I respect anybody's desire not to have a fire arm. I also fervently hope they never have to grieve of that decision in hindsight.

yellowdog granny said...

im with you...and i'm surrounded by redneck assholes with guns..last time i had a gun i shot my husband who was going to shoot me...no thanks...

Jenna said...

See... this is the ONE arguement I can agree with and respect in the question of gun ownership. If you don't feel safe having one, better to know now... then at the trial.

Me? Well, the hubby teaches CCW classes so it kinda came with the whole marriage package. I refuse to own anything I can't use safely and correctly, so off I went to the range to get certified.

The hardest part for me was to sit down and really think about what I was capable of. Can I take the burden of ending another life onto my shoulders and continue? I was a bit sad to realize the answer. Yes.

In a perfect world I'd never touch a gun, but then in a perfect world I'd never need to. And sadly, as the past rape I lived through proves... this isn't a perfect world.

But really, one of the best reasoned answeres to NOT having a gun I've read. Someone scared or unsure of it is FAR more dangerous to their loved ones then even a potenial violent criminal.

Anonymous said...

Well, wasn't it the ACLU and the NRA both that carried Bill Blizzard through the streets after he was acquitted of sedition in the Logan County mine war? Since then they seem to have stopped speaking to each other. A shame.

Rodger Cunningham (2 firearms, both inherited)

greer said...

Woman if you're ever in NoVa again I'll treat you to lunch! Sending the card back after cleaning the litter box - BRILLIANT!!

When hubby#2 died I found 36 firearms in the house, I thought we had 4, LOL! I eventually sold 'em all because I'm raising black males in America and they don't need any EXTRA temptations. I realized I didn't either. As I get older I have less tolerance for ignorance and don't need to go to prison for cleaning up the gene pool.

That said, when the juvenile delinquent leaves in 3 yrs I probably will purchase a gun. I'm well versed in the safety and use of them (hubby #2 was a cop) and as you stated so well, it's my right to own one. Besides, if you come into my home in a whirlwind of intent to harm I'm gonna take yo ass out.

I'm reminded of the Louie Anderson bit about being able to kill someone temporarily for various reasons (read: asshole-isness and stupidity), then they come back to life 10 min later having hopefully learned a lesson. I always thought that would be SO cool. I'd have to get a 2nd job though to afford the amount of ammunition I'd need....

Anne Johnson said...

If anyone comes into my house with intent to harm me, I just open the bird cage. After ten minutes of abuse from Decibel, most people wish they'd been shot instead.

Another wonderful bunch of commentary!