Monday, August 18, 2008

Christianity Is Stupid

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" On behalf of all the gods and goddesses out there who've been steamrolled by Christianity, we stand united to liberate you! Time to jam the gears on that steamroller and restore some sanity to the world!

Lately some people I love have come up against Christian fundamentalists who have used all the usual mind-control, fear-based tactics to win another convert to the faith. Frankly I am sick of this. You get that way when an over-zealous preacher uses your father's funeral as a chance to tell you that you're bound for hell.

So, we quote the immortal Negativland:

"Christianity Is Stupid."

Here's my personal view of how fundamentalist Christianity works:

You want to travel from Detroit to Tampa. There is only one route from Detroit to Tampa. It is Interstate 75. You may not take any other route from Detroit to Tampa. There are certain exits from the Interstate that you cannot take, because they may lead you to a store that sells fireworks or some such. Or worse, those exits might lead you to an alternative route to Tampa.

There is no other destination if you are leaving Detroit, except Tampa. No other city is as great as Tampa. Don't listen if anyone tells you that, say, Indianapolis is just as nice, or that you can actually proceed past Tampa to Sanibel Island. Or that you can get to Tampa by taking a little detour and winding up on the Blue Ridge Parkway, and maybe in comparison to the Blue Ridge Parkway, Tampa suddenly doesn't seem as appealing.

And here's another response to that Bible-thumping preacher who turned my father's funeral into a revival meeting. This preacher said that heaven was like a theme park. If you get to the turnstile, and you don't have enough money for a ticket, you can't get in.

Okay, I've arrived at the theme park with enough money to get in. But I don't like theme parks. I think they're phony-baloney. I'd rather go hiking or tubing. And now I hear that cats and dogs aren't allowed in the theme park. Well, I can take my trusty dog hiking with me. So shove your theme park, I'm going hiking!

We at "The Gods Are Bored" recognize that many, many Christians regard their beliefs as personal and not to be pushed on others. But lurking everywhere is a lunatic fringe few who want to fill their heaven to the plimsol line. They are well-trained to meet every resistance with practiced arguments. They can make people very uncomfortable indeed.

These stupid Christians can have their theme park in Tampa. As for me and my house, we'll go hiking along the Blue Ridge Parkway.
Our operators are standing by to take your call.


Raevyn said...

Yay!! I couldn't have said it better myself, cuz, well, ya know, I'm just not that eloquent!! :)

Have I told you lately that I luuuurve you, Anne? Well, I do!! :)

yellowdog granny said...

besides them christians can't keep up with their Gods..always wanting to know if you've found Jesus...can't they keep tabs on their own God? cousins are those type..but they do it in such a way I can't get they are doing it out of love..they really believe I'm going to hell, and that makes them they pray for me, nudge me just a little when they are around me, but they know I'm crazy enough to go off on them if they get too pushy, so they don' time we get together, I'm going to do to them what they do to me..see if they are interested in switching teams..hah

BBC said...

Everything is stupid, all major religions are frigging stupid, stupid monkeys.

sott;Eos said...

But the only theme park in Tampa is Busch Gardens, and that is not only owned by Anheuser Busch, but they give-away free beer. Why would the fundies want to go to Busch Gardens when they die?

wordwitch said...

I am SO with you on this - 2 of my own brothers wouldn't come to my wedding (their ONLY sister's ONLY wedding!!) because it was pagan. There was even the offering to those who were uncomfortable that they could stand outside of the Circle...but that wasn't far enough away for them. Yet, my Uncle, who is a United Churc of Christ minister was not only AT the wedding, he was IN THE CIRCLE and participating with love and respect.

So yeah...SOME Christians are cool - I call them quiet Christians, because they are the strong-in-their-faith silent type - but the majority that we hear about and run into are the raving lunatics of "YOU MUST DO IT MY WAY"....sigh....

love ya Anne, Blessings!

Souris Optique said...

Awesome. That is the absolute-bestest metaphor I have seen in a long, long time, and I heartily concur.


Anonymous said...

Some time back, a commenter on my blog wondered what I was hoping to find in paganism that I thought was lacking in Christianity. I went on at some length in my reply to him, but it was not nearly as entertaining as this post is. I'll have to point him in your direction; you've been hittin' 'em outta the ball park lately.


THE Michael said...

Yes, but now that Busch Gardens is owned by FARNERS, Heaven must have been temporarily re-located to an undisclosed location safe for President Cheney to attend and the homo-secsuwals can't find and ruin the family.

Matter of fact, I think some evanangelical preacher just sicced this tropical storm Fay on us due to some sin we are engaged in, which I'm sure will be revealed to us by whatever preacher is responsible for it.

Anne Johnson said...

Yeah. Here's a new question. Are there more sinners living in hurricane-prone areas?

Thank you all for these nice comments. I had a troll last week, and I'm still lobbing ammo at him even though he drowned in prior logic and hasn't returned.

SubtleKnife said...

Great job! I may "borrow" that... ;-)

(if and when I do I will link to your blog)

SubtleKnife said...

Great job! I may "borrow" that... ;-)

(if and when I do I will link to your blog)

Astarte Moonsilver said...

Love this post! One of my all time faves!

I love your whole blog, Anne. You're friggen hilarious and should write a book!

Maeve said...

Why anyone would go to a theme park when there are wild parkways, completely baffles me.

The scent of leaf mold and pine needles underneath the feet, the crisp cool morning air, critters rustling about in the bushes, glimpses of birds, being able to inhale deeply and not choke to death...

a little slice of perfection. mmmm.

george said...

you should make "christianity is stupid" t=shirts! i'd buy one