Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" On behalf of all the gods and goddesses out there who've been steamrolled by Christianity, we stand united to liberate you! Time to jam the gears on that steamroller and restore some sanity to the world!
Lately some people I love have come up against Christian fundamentalists who have used all the usual mind-control, fear-based tactics to win another convert to the faith. Frankly I am sick of this. You get that way when an over-zealous preacher uses your father's funeral as a chance to tell you that you're bound for hell.
So, we quote the immortal Negativland:
"Christianity Is Stupid."
Here's my personal view of how fundamentalist Christianity works:
You want to travel from Detroit to Tampa. There is only one route from Detroit to Tampa. It is Interstate 75. You may not take any other route from Detroit to Tampa. There are certain exits from the Interstate that you cannot take, because they may lead you to a store that sells fireworks or some such. Or worse, those exits might lead you to an alternative route to Tampa.
There is no other destination if you are leaving Detroit, except Tampa. No other city is as great as Tampa. Don't listen if anyone tells you that, say, Indianapolis is just as nice, or that you can actually proceed past Tampa to Sanibel Island. Or that you can get to Tampa by taking a little detour and winding up on the Blue Ridge Parkway, and maybe in comparison to the Blue Ridge Parkway, Tampa suddenly doesn't seem as appealing.
And here's another response to that Bible-thumping preacher who turned my father's funeral into a revival meeting. This preacher said that heaven was like a theme park. If you get to the turnstile, and you don't have enough money for a ticket, you can't get in.
Okay, I've arrived at the theme park with enough money to get in. But I don't like theme parks. I think they're phony-baloney. I'd rather go hiking or tubing. And now I hear that cats and dogs aren't allowed in the theme park. Well, I can take my trusty dog hiking with me. So shove your theme park, I'm going hiking!
We at "The Gods Are Bored" recognize that many, many Christians regard their beliefs as personal and not to be pushed on others. But lurking everywhere is a lunatic fringe few who want to fill their heaven to the plimsol line. They are well-trained to meet every resistance with practiced arguments. They can make people very uncomfortable indeed.
These stupid Christians can have their theme park in Tampa. As for me and my house, we'll go hiking along the Blue Ridge Parkway.
Our operators are standing by to take your call.