Fly on the Wall

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Did you get your taxes done on time? Remember, the nation needs your money to build democracies in countries far, far, away ... by force if necessary!

Today a momentous event is taking place. Pope Benedict the Whatever is having a private afternoon visit with our Fearless Leader and (one presumes) the wife, perhaps the Vice Fearless Leader and his wife. (But, one presumes, not VFL's gay daughter and her wife.)

So, let's be a fly on the wall and listen in as the Supreme Pontiff chats with George W. Bush et. al.!

GWB: Well, come on in, Mr. Pope! Nice to see ya.

Pope: Always a pleasure, Mr. President.

GWB: And here's my Laura ... say hello to the pope, honey.

Laura: Hello, Your Holiness. Oh my goodness, that's a beautiful robe. Did you see his robe, Georgie? Look at all that fabulous embroidery!

Pope: It's all done by hand, stitch by stitch.

GWB: Well, those Chinese laborers sure know how to work hard.

Pope: No, this is done by cloistered nuns.

GWB: You could get it done cheaper in China, I'll bet. Want me to look into it for you?

Dick Cheney: I'm sure I could find you a cheaper contractor, Your Richness. In fact, I could probably get you all the goods, services, and protection you currently use at half the cost.

Pope: I'll admit it's harder to find good, quiet, sewing nuns these days.

Cheney: Now see? We can help you with that.

Laura: Tea, Your Holiness?

Pope: Yes, please.

Laura: One lump or two?

Pope: Sixteen, please.

GWB: My kinda guy. So, Mr. Pope, how's the weather in France?

Pope: I don't know.

Cheney (to Bush): You mean Rome.

GWB: Oh! My bad. I meant Rome. How's the weather in Rome?

Pope: Quite pleasant. I'm hoping the weather will be nice for my outdoor Mass at Yankee Stadium this week.

Cheney: Not a problem, sir. This gives us an excellent opportunity to test a new secret weapon that alters the weather at the push of a button. We've been using it to stir up storms, but it also works the other way around.

GWB (to the pope): You'll of course keep this a secret.

Pope: Oh my yes. I'll give credit to God for the sunshine!

Cheney: I like the way this guy thinks.

Pope: Since I am the most direct route to God of anyone on the planet, I wonder if any of you would like me to recommend any particular prayer requests to the Almighty?

Laura: They say this mild winter we just had will be hard on the roses out in the garden. Can God fix that for us?

Pope: Consider it done.

(GWB is thinking hard.)

Cheney: I have a little matter that's troubling me. Awhile back I accidentally shot a good friend in the face during a hunting expedition. My friend is going in for plastic surgery. Can you see that it goes well?

Pope: Just ask for the Lord's help and it is granted. Your pal will come out of surgery looking like Cary Grant.

Laura: Oh, I like that one! Honey, do you have any special prayers you'd like the pope to say for you?

GWB: Well, I don't like to seem impolite, but I can't think of a doggone thing I'd want you to pray for on my behalf, Mr. Pope. Oh no, now wait a minute. I've got this problem in my knee, it comes and goes, but you know, I just love mountain biking. Could God patch up my knee?

Pope: Done, good as new!

GWB: It feels better already! I'm a believer, Hail Mary!

Cheney: Your Holiness, the better question might be, what can we do for you?

Pope: Just keep up that wonderful government-subsidized abstinence education! It's a model for the world.