Tuesday, April 29, 2008

A Plague on Both Your Houses

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Whether you worship Elvis, Freya, or the Salmon of Wisdom, you're welcome here! We've even reserved a section for people who crave diet soft drinks of yesteryear. A toast to TaB cola, beverage of champions!

The faeries have hidden my copy of Deliver Us from Evil, by Cindy Jacobs. But that's okay, because I finished reading it recently, and good riddance.

Mrs. Jacobs, a prophetess who is in every way occult herself, only in service to Jesus, wrote Deliver Us from Evil to warn good Christians about the perils they face from the Pagan Menace. What happens, though, is that by the end of her book she all but admits that real evil doesn't come from Wiccans, but from nasty folks in her own rank and file. Oh yeah, and from kids who read Harry Potter. Let's not forget Harry Potter.

Mindful that this is the 21st century, I have to ask you: Did you know you can curse someone to death? Me neither. This is news to me. But according to Cindy Jacobs, you can actually throw a death curse on another person, and they'll keel.

Sounds like she's reading Harry Potter on the sly.

I'm having trouble believing this death curse scheme. Wouldn't George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and the lady who writes parking tickets downtown all be pushing up daisies by now? I don't deal out death curses myself, but I'm sure there are at least two or three Americans who have wished a lingering plague upon the Bush and Cheney households.

As for the parking ticket gal, I actually heard a citizen tell her he wished she'd just go die. She didn't even break her stride. There were more tickets to write.

Mrs. Jacobs has personally survived two death curses. She described how it feels to get hit by one: inability to breathe, certainty of imminent death, cold chills, immobilization. It took serious prayer to bring her back from the brink.

I once had symptoms like that, and fairly frequently. Took some mild anti-anxiety medication to bring me back from the brink. Except I never was on the brink. I recognized the symptoms of panic attack. They aren't pretty, but they can be tamed.

There's a lot of cold shit in Deliver Us from Evil, but one of the coldest passages is Mrs. Jacobs's warning to people going into hospital for surgery or other medical emergencies. Apparently this moment of peril is when you're most likely to get hit with a death curse.

As if being sick isn't bad enough, you gotta worry about someone cursing you to death? And this is the religion of a third of the human population of the globe? Why?

Well, I can answer that one. Because the vast majority of Christians aren't wingnut morons, that's why.

If you are ready to believe that a person can wish death upon you, and then it happens, perhaps you've never raised a teenager. My daughter The Spare once told me she hoped I'd die soon so she could have all my stuff! How come I'm still breathing?

Maybe death curses don't work right away, at least if you're not already in Intensive Care for something else. Maybe they just get stored in a curse databank, and when you're 87 ... boom! Curse hits, party over, outta time.

Mrs. Jacobs says the only way to work up immunity to death curses is to be on perfect footing with Jesus. Which makes me wonder how she suffered through several of them. Maybe she had a weak moment and allowed herself to read a couple of chapters of Harry Potter.

Let's leave the death curses right where they belong: in moldy old writings by long-dead dudes like Shakespeare. And Saint Paul.

Enjoy all your days,



Raevyn said...

Let's leave the death curses right where they belong: in moldy old writings by long-dead dudes like Shakespeare. And Saint Paul.


Okay, I was quietly giggling and not bringing any attention to myself until I read this last line. Now the whole dealership is wondering why Rae is braying like an LSD-laded donkey!!

yellowdog granny said...

the goddess freya said that dead curse doesn't work for shit..cause cindy is still here and so is bush, cheney and the little nazi cop that gave me the speeding ticket..

sageweb said...

Yeah, Cindy is one crazy lady, death curses dont work. Bush and Cheney and anyone else who has pissed me off would have gotten a death curse from me...nothing happens...they live on and get rich.

THE Michael said...

This is what pisses me off when I hear talk of the "witch wars". Seems certain practitioners of a certain path just need to friggin grow up, because, no, we can't wish or curse each other harm, and we shouldn't be wanting to anyway. I swear if I EVER meet some "witch" who starts bragging about using their "evil eye" on someone, I will bitch slap that person and DARE them to turn that eyeball on ME.

We all need to get real and deal, and start practicing what we preach, Christian, Pagan, and everybody else.

Big Tex said...

Man, all I can say is that I hope Cindy Jacobs doesn't come down with a really bad case of diarrhea before writing her next book, because she'll be blaming that on the occult too. "They placed a curse on my colon!!!"

Aquila ka Hecate said...

Maybe Ms Jacobs should come live in Africa.
Here, we have death curses which would make her imagination give up.
In this land, death curses work -although I've never heard of a Pagan one working. Only those cast by Christians, on other Christians.

Terri in Joburg

Livia Indica said...

I commend you Anne for reading the whole book. Sounds like you had to slog through a bunch of crap.