Thursday, April 24, 2008

Thumper Is More Than a Cute Little Bunny

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" C'mon people now, call all your brothers, everybody get together, try to love one another right now!

(Now that's a beautiful sentiment. Maybe I'll write a song and use it as a lyric!)

Back in the day when my mama was alive, she used to complain when people talked about their health. She would say, "Oh boy, I got treated to another organ recital."

Get it? Organ recital?

Mom never did organ recitals herself. At her 70th birthday she announced that she wouldn't live to see 75, and she didn't.

Pardon me while I crack my knuckles and give you a brief organ recital. Because it contains free advice from Annie ... and we all know what that's worth!

I've suffered from a bum hip for a couple of years now, and it wasn't until I was limping like a Civil War veteran that I decided I'd better see what it was all about. It's arthritis. And that's a bummer, because it cuts down on my tap dancing quite a bit.

The limp is caused partly by bursitis. So I went to see this really nice doctor, and he suggested a new alternative treatment called The Thumper. (Not as yet seen on T.V.)

The Thumper is a hand-held device that works kind of like a jackhammer, but on a different scale. A technician puts it on your sore hip, and it vibrates and thumps away at the inflammation. Yes, it does hurt like H-E-Double-L. But when the treatment is over, you feel better. As in, bring on Gene Kelly and two umbrellas, please!

I'm told I'll be getting 8-10 Thumper treatments, and then I'll not only tap but go right back in toeshoes for the local production of "Buzzard Lake." If you haven't seen "Buzzard Lake," I won't give away the plot except to say that you can't do it with a sore hip.

Oh well, heck. Here's the plot: A pretty swan dies, the buzzards swoop in, and after some appropriate sailing, they eat the swan. The New York Times calls it "appalling and compelling in equal measure."

The moral of this sermon: If you have bursitis, you might want to ask around for this Thumper thing. After only one treatment I'm springing forth like the crabgrass.



THE Michael said...

Well H E Double L, Anne, I know exactly how that thing works. It works on the "It feels so good when it STOPS!" principle. Go get yourself a two by four and smack yourself upside the head a few times whenever your hip feels ornery. I bet you anything you won't notice the hip pain, at least for awhile.......


I hear a short slow dance with a klutz works just as well.

sageweb said...

Thumper sounds thumperlicious. How do they think of these things?
I gave myself electric shock therapy on my knee. Didn't work.

yellowdog granny said...

yeah, yeah, yeah, you have a bum spine rocks ..big deal..i wanna hear more about the is buzzard lake appeals to me in the most disgusting way..who plays the swan?

Big Tex said...

I think I need to get some thumper for my back. It's probably not covered by my insurance, though, so they'll probably tell my doctor to substitute the thumper with him hitting me in the back with a baseball bat or something. I wonder what the co-pay for a baseball bat is...

Anonymous said...

Dear Anne:

I was driving home from the lumberyard yestiddy and I seen a buncha turkey buzzards hangin' in field off the road. So I stopped and got my telescople out (it's attached to my '03 Springfield) and checked 'em out. Drat, turns out they were just a bunch of turkey turkies who were wannabein' around a dead raccoon. I'm sure the real buzzards who were watching them from their lofty stations in the sky were all, like, "Oh, weasels ripped my flesh; oh, Gag me with a spoon, fer sure, fer sure" (our local vultures have some California Condor on their mom's side).

My bad knee (as in bad, not good) is visiting the MRI device--along with the rest of me, next week. X-rays are negative, but I think it might be a ruptured tendon or ligament. It makes pushing the wheelbarrow a real pain in the leg.

Before bursting forth in any role as a primo ballerino, I like to warm up with some of that contra dancing.Since you're located in the "Men dancing in dresses" epicenter of the northeast (have I got that right?) I'm sure you can find one every night if not on your lunch hour--5,6,7,8--now, gypsy your neighbor and balance and swing.