Tuesday, April 15, 2008

How I Got My Grandpa Back

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," waiting, as always, for Rapture! Get it on, God! Think how much more open space we'll have when we raze the doggone ugly megachurches and their multi-acre parking lots!

If you're new here to "The Gods Are Bored," here's our creed: If one god is great, then a bunch of gods and goddesses are that many times better! Teamwork is one of the better qualities of the human race ... and where did we get it? From the godly example of multi-deity pantheons! Choose yours today!

Our operators are standing by to take your call.

That gentle swish you just heard was me opening today's can of TaB cola. It's time for an uplifting sermon.

My grandfather was an extraordinarily superior Homo sapiens. He was born and died on the same Appalachian farm from which his great-grandfather marched to the Civil War. In between he got two years of college, learned how to use a microscope, and became a pioneering inventor in the crowded field of drilling microscopic holes. Innovations my grandfather made to micro-drilling improved gas masks used in World War II. He also put the poly in polyester. (He worked in the synthetic fabric industry.)

Granddad was a religious man. He helped to found a big Baptist church and then attended it and tithed to it with devotion. He loved Billy Graham, and Retired Men's Prayer Breakfasts, tent revivals, and covered dish suppers. You'd think all of this would qualify him as Yahweh heaven fodder, first class.

I'll admit that when I became Pagan, one of the things that vexed me was that I might never get to see Granddad on the other side. 'Cause damn, I loved that man!

Ha Ha! Granddad, we'll be together again anon! Turns out you're a rank sinner, which sets you free for easier pasturage!

I've been perusing a book called Deliver Us from Evil, by Cindy Jacobs. Mrs. Jacobs finds occult influences everywhere. Thank goodness.

You see, my grandfather was a Freemason. He had been in the Masons for years and years. He asked that the Masonic symbol be placed on his gravestone. The Masons performed a ceremony at his funeral.

Who'd a thought the Masons were a bunch of occult, demonic, Satanic, vicious hell-bent skunks? Not me. But according to Mrs. Jacobs, membership in the Masons quickly demotes you from membership in the Grace of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Lake of fire for you, Mason.

(If you're a Mason and reading this, yeah. I'm flabbergasted too.)

But of more interest to me is the other way my grandfather fell into fatal demonic sin. He hired a water witch when he wanted to drill a well.

Maybe some of you flatlanders have never heard of a water witch, or water dowser, or water diviner. These are people who use a wand or stick, and a combination of intuition and divination, to decide where it's best to drill or dig a well. A water witch will walk back and forth across a property with his or her wand, and when the wand points downward of its own accord, that's where the well should go.

It was 1972 when Granddad hired a water witch. Granddad had just retired and was finally putting running water into the little cabin on the family farm that he'd previously only used in the summertime months.

I was keen to see the water witch at work. While my uncle stood by and snorted stuff about the whole process being "backward" and "hillbilly nonsense," I just found it fascinating. And quite worth the fee, too. That old water witch spent the better part of a whole afternoon criss-crossing our steep property, wand always at the ready. In the end, he told Granddad that no place in particular was better or worse to drill, because there wasn't much water to be had under the cabin.

That witch was right. From that day to this we've had water level problems in our well.

But forget the spitting faucet. I got my granddad back! According to Mrs. Cindy Jacobs, the use of a water witch is demonic to the nth degree. (Or would it be 33rd degree? No, that's the Masons. I think.)

So, Granddad. I know you're out there waiting for me. I'm so glad! We'll tour Avalon together, two ancient-as-dirt British Islanders returning to the place of birth.

I'll bring your microscope. It will amuse the faeries.


sageweb said...

Beautiful, entertaining post! What a great granddad you had. I am so glad he was a sinner like the rest of us...Cindy Jacobs is going to be one lonely lady up there.

Raevyn said...

ROFLMAO! Anne, my first thought after reading that post was "Oh Gods, where would puck attempt to stick that microscope and what would look bigger?"

*falls off chair laughing*

Big Tex said...

Sounds like your granddad was a pretty cool guy. As far as the Masons are concerned, there are over 2 million of them here in the US alone, and my guess is that the vast majority of them consider themselves Christians. If Cindy Jacobs wants to write them off, that's fine with me - she's already written off the millions of Christians who like Harry Potter, so I guess the Masons will have plenty of company. People like her will be the death of her religion, and it couldn't come too soon for me.

yellowdog granny said...

think big tex is to young to remember my grandpa..but he and my grandmother were both baptists..but never the twain did meet..as one of them was hard shell and one of them was foot washing...wouldn't go to each others church..and both thought i was goign to go straight to hell as i was a paptist as they called me...i was baptised catholic..but my daddy and i both knew the only reason i did it was to mess with their heads...hahah

Masonic Traveler said...

Ya know, I have to say I resent the idea of being a "hell-bent skunk". The rest, ok fine...

Your grandfather was a brother in a great era of the fraternity, and one in which more men "got it". the fraternity, while being very religious, is also tolerant towards all faiths, and when you sum most of its tenants up, it really sees all faiths as the "one true faith".

Sure if you ask most Freemasons, they would probably disagree, but there absolutely is a reason why most organized religions HATE Freemasonry today.

Anne Johnson said...

My dear sir, I would never consider any Freemason a "hell-bent skunk." That was the message I pulled from the hate-filled screed I was reading about Masonry. The Freemasons have a long and distinguished history of political and community service that continues to this day, and I'm honored to say that my grandfather was a member. Yes, I believe that Freemasonry's bad rep with the fundamentalist Christians stems from its inclusiveness. Shame on the fundamentalist Christians, not on you!

Hey, BTW, I saw a group of Prince Hall Masons at the mall last Sunday. Awesome!