Sunday, April 20, 2008

The Devil Made Me Drink That Milk

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Having a deity dilemma? Do not despair! Dozens and dozens and dozens of deities delight to deliver! Pick a pantheon, greet a Goddess, grin from ear to ear!

We at "The Gods Are Bored" have been reading a little screed against the occult called Deliver Us from Evil, by Cindy Jacobs. (We picked it up at a second hand Christian bookstore.)

I believe Mrs. Jacobs might have set out to attack other religions, like Wicca. But what evolved in the course of her writing was (no surprises here) more of a red-alert against the dastardly deeds of her own deity.

I just finished a chapter on demonic possession. Apparently demonic possession is fairly common in Mrs. Jacobs's circles, and also -- if you can believe anything you read in this book -- in South American countries where missionaries are still hard at work trying to oust bored gods.

It makes sense that Christians would be wary of demons, since demonic possession seemed to be the illness du jour during the Roman occupation of Israel at the time of Jesus. Seems like half the healings Jesus and his disciples did was casting out of demons. Get thee behind me, Satan, and all that.

We at "The Gods Are Bored" believe in demonic possession, but once again we see it as a Christian phenomenon. Why would a demon from the Christian pantheon want to bother with a peaceable Pagan? The demon would be stuck in a body that never went to church.

I've never met a demon, but I'll bet they can't stand sitting around barefoot in the woods singing "Here Comes the Sun."

The more you read about casting out demons in Deliver Us from Evil, the more you begin to ask yourself which religion practices the most magic. Seems like Mrs. Jacobs (who is herself an exorcist) and her ilk do more wizardly work than you'd find in all of Isaac Bonewits's books combined.

What we'll concentrate on today is the serious matter of demonic possession of pussy cats.

Yes, true. Mrs. Jacobs says that if demons can't find a human to possess, they'll settle into poor old Fluffy. In this case she gives two examples from her very own life, where her otherwise sweet little kitty began acting really mean and aggressive and kept acting mean and aggressive until she exorcised it.

When I was a kid we had a rescue cat that was so fierce we actually called it "Devil Cat." That cat would hide behind a door, come leaping out, and scratch the hell out of you. Nor would he back off if you retaliated. He was a bloody, mean-assed cat. I've never seen another one like him that wasn't pure, out-and-out feral.

It never occurred to my good Christian parents to take Devil Cat to an exorcist. My mother never saw bad in any pet, only in her kids. And Dad was a scientist with strong atheist leanings. If asked about Devil Cat, he probably would have attributed the behavior to some backward notion like inbreeding. (We didn't know Devil Cat's biological background.)

So readers, I'm just sending along Mrs. Cindy Jacobs's advice about your pussy cat, and by extension your puppy dog, gerbil, hamster, goldfish, ferret, guinea pig, budgie, canary, and sea monkeys. I would especially be wary of demonic sea monkeys. There's something weird about a creature that comes alive when you shove some dust into saltwater.

Swear to the fruit flies this next part is true. According to Cindy Jacobs, demons can possess your furniture, especially antiques! She had to exorcise the headboard on her daughter's bed.

And they call me crazy when I talk about living with faeries.


Big Tex said...

I'd love to type up a substantive response to your article, but I'm a bit tied up at the moment. I'm having an exorcist over this afternoon to take a look at my recliner - I think it's possessed by the devil. It keeps stealing my remotes, and even takes the change out of my pockets!

That picture of the cat is hilarious, BTW.

Anne Johnson said...

Do not rule out the possibility that you have faeries in your recliner. Calming them is simple: Just leave a half-finished bottle of beer wedged between the cushion and the arm rest when you go to bed tonight.

THE Michael said...

See? If I had gone straight to Atheist from Catholocism, I would have missed all this fun!

THE Wife just finished making a faery house for the shade garden/circle, only I wonder with the mortgage crisis and all if we can expect any fairies to move they have better credit than, say, gnomes?

mama kelly said...

Dear me! I must strap my kitties down when I get home and cast out the demons taht are surely responcible for the hair they shed and the kitty litter that escapes their box!

Angela-Eloise said...

Actually, the Chinese believe that furniture can hold spirits and advise against buying furniture from someone you don't know or if you can't determine the history of an antique. Basic feng shui.

Of course, there are things you can do if you really have to have that cool antique tea chest that is of questionable provenance. I guess we can add calling Cindy Jacobs, furniture exorcist extraordinaire, to the list. I think a Ba-Gua mirror would be cheaper and save you from, you know, actually having to meet Cindy. I'm just sayin'

Tennessee Jed said...

The more money you make the less crazy you are, so it only stands to reason that Christianity is considered sane and rational thinking.

yellowdog granny said...

now i know what was wrong with my kitty kat "asshole"...he was possessed by the devil...along with at least 2 out of 3 husband and for damn sure our current president.
every time i has a bakery i say "get thee behind my fat thighs satan."

Darwin (Wicca Warrior) said...

Hmmm, demonic possession of kitty-cats? That mght explain my two younger ones, but my fat lazy cat (who MUST be related to the one in the pic LOL) has shown absolutely no sign of life ... possession for years. If the esteemed Ms Jacobs can exorcise demons from cats, who do I call to get my older one possessed? He is in desparate need of some form of exercise!

Mary L A said...

Cindy's insightful book is worth every cent. I have been singled out for attack by a would-be antique pine table for years. It has crooked legs that exhibit demonic intent. I have emailed Cindy for help and given you due credit as a referral.

That cat in the photograph is a clear case of moral turpitude. Nothing to do with true-blue Satanism.

Seen the Light and it is Dark

Mary L A

sageweb said...

I had a cat that was part satan ...I loved that cat. Evil and all...I wonder if Cindy was the person behind his sudden death?

All the toes I have broke are the result of possessed furniture.

BBC said...

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Having a deity dilemma?

No, but I think you are. Chill, baby.

mjd said...

According to Cindy Jacobs, demons can possess your furniture, especially antiques! She had to exorcise the headboard on her daughter's bed.

I heard the headboard needed exorcising because it could be heard to creak rhythmically in the night, even though only her daughter was to be found in the room.

Satan is all around us!