Wednesday, April 09, 2008

What a Field Day for the Heat

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Shut de do, keep out de debbil. Shut de do, keep de debbil in the night. Shut de do, keep out de debbil. Light a candle, everything's all right. Light a candle, everything's all right!

Let's be clear on one thing. "The Gods Are Bored" is not a Satanic or demonic web site. Satan is not bored. He's busy as ... hell. So if you want to gain his ear, please toddle off elsewhere.

What's that? You're a disgruntled teenaged child of fundamentalist Christian parents, you've had it with Father God and his shifting sand rule book, and you want to find a portal to nastiness with Old Scratch? In short, you're Christian, but you want to be Satanic?

You've got the pantheon right. With God goes Satan. Old Scratch is part of the package. And that, young disgruntled teenager, is why you went to a local Wicca gathering and felt cheated. Nice ladies, dancing in circles, waving scarves around, praying for peace in the Four Quarters? You wanted to kill a kitten, and they would have none of it!

What now, teenager?

My guess is that you've tried the family computer, only to find it safely Nortoned against de debbil. So, why don't you look in the family library?

This week we've have a "Gods Are Bored" series on a book called Deliver Us from Evil: Putting a Stop to the Occult Influences Invading Your Home and Community, by Cindy Jacobs. As its title suggests, this is a book for good Christians who are worried, either because they're having sexy dreams about the cute neighbor covered in whipped cream, or their kids are going through pet gerbils a little too quickly.

Follow my logic:

1. Christian mom worries that her disgruntled teenager might be dabbling in the occult, so she buys a Christian book to tell her what signs to look for.

2. The selfsame book, chock-a-block with names of major Satanic groups, heavy metal bands, occult symbols, and lurid details of demonic sexual seduction and murder, finds its way onto the coffee table, only lightly hidden by Highlights for Children Magazine.

3. Disgruntled teenager finds the book. And promptly uses it as a how-to guide for launching a career in Satanism.

This, to my mind, is one of the biggest dangers of a book like Deliver Us from Evil. Cindy Jacobs "exposes" Satanism so well that you could dive right into its worst abuses just from reading her tract.

Teenager, have you heard of the Church of Satan, The Satanic Bible, the Necronomicon, Anton LaVey, the Temple of Set, Aleister Crowley, or Nietzsche? Cindy Jacobs tells you about them. Not with any kind of accuracy, mind you, but she gives you names to research. On Saturday, armed with Mrs. Jacobs's most helpful book, you ride your bike to the public library and ... by cracky ... here's stuff in the encyclopedia about Aleister Crowley, the Illuminati, the Hellfire Club, and Anton LaVey!

Readers please note: We at "The Gods Are Bored" do not consider Aleister Crowley a Satanist, although he took delight in being called one. Nor do we consider the Illuminati a Satantist organization. It's not even really an organization. Unless you're a paranoid fundamentalist, hunting for debbils.

Why, just by reading Mrs. Jacobs's chapter on black magic, I myself learned how to make an ironclad fetish, sure to bring a church pastor to sexual sin if buried in the rectory lawn!

Thanks for the info, Mrs. J., but I'll take a pass. Of course, I'm not a disgruntled fundie teen. I'm a sensible Pagan with morals.

Now you're saying, "Really, Anne. If kids don't become Pagans by reading Harry Potter, are they likely to become Satanists by reading Cindy Jacobs?"

Let's use a local example. My daughter The Heir also uses this computer. Deliver Us from Evil has been sitting here on the desk for a few weeks. The Heir has been reading it in snippets, here and there. She had never heard of Nietzche. She asked me about him. I couldn't give her much of an answer, but by golly the Internet did. I'm 100 percent certain The Heir is not inclined to embrace Nazism, but if she was, Mrs. Jacobs just gave her a superb launching pad.

We at "The Gods Are Bored" denounce Christianity's Satan as a bad blighter. We repeat that he is not a bored god. But if you want to learn more about making him happy, Deliver Us from Evil is a first-class primer on the topic.

And please don't neglect Mrs. Jacobs's fine Appendix of Occult Signs the next time you're off to the cemetery to desecrate graves. Cindy Jacobs, be forewarned: I bought this book in the land of my ancestors, and if their tombstones get slathered with Mark of the Beast signs, I'm gonna buy you a scrub brush and some Mr. Clean and put you to work!


Evn said...

You wanted to kill a kitten, and they would have none of it!

I about spit bourbon all over my monitor when I read this.

Anne, funniest post ever.

(still giggling uncontrollably...)

sageweb said...

That was informative and funny, Cindy Jacobs is one heck of a christian.
I am sure she would disect the Harry Potter books and get the devil out of them.

beweaver said...

"it's why you went to a local Wicca gathering and felt cheated. Nice ladies, dancing in circles, waving scarves around, praying for peace in the Four Quarters? You wanted to kill a kitten, and they would have none of it!"

OMG. Diet coke and snorts don't go together...

I love you Anne

yellowdog granny said...

sigh* say it so well...another goodie..made me think, made me laugh ...made me glad i come here...

THE Michael said...

The Gods might be bored, but you never will be.

Anonymous said...


I'm pretty sure Cindy would, given the opportunity, perform vivisection on Harry Potter.


Big Tex said...

Wow, is she actually citing the Necronomicon as some sort of occult influence? It's not even a real book! It was a fictional book that H.P. Lovecraft mentioned in a bunch of his horror stories. Wow, this lady is really out there! I'll bet ol' H.P. would be having a chuckle knowing he's put a few extra wrinkles in Cindy Jacobs's far-too-tight granny panties.

dmiley said...

This is why vampire hunters always dress like sluts!

BBC said...

Deliver us from ourselves.

Anne Johnson said...

Yeah, Tex, Mrs. Jacobs found a copy of the Necromicon with all kinds of Sumeric curses in it! But remember that after Lovecraft mentioned the book in so many of his stories, a few imaginative individuals actually did write books with that title. Sort of like the cart leading the horse. And BTW, isn't Lovecraft amazing?

THE Michael said...

If you read Cindy's book backwards, it reads, "Satan does me doggy style."

I KNEW it was all projection!