Friday, April 11, 2008

It's Against My Religion

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Let us entertain you ... let us make you smile ... let us do a few tricks, some old and then some new tricks, we're very versatile! Our faeries glitter ... they're never bitter ... they'll make you shimmer and shine. So let us entertain you, and we'll have a real good time, yessir. We'll have a real good time!

Lately we've been picking apart a Christian tract, and right smack dab in the middle of the process we got a celebrity endorsement. So, many of you newcomers might have gotten the wrong impression. This site's not only about putting the "fun" back in "fundamentalist." We're serious about religion here!

I went to the doctor today, and he wrote a prescription for a painkiller. When I asked him what it was, he said a "non-steroidal anti-inflammatory."

I told him I can't take non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs. It's against my religion.

This doctor doesn't know me very well. But considering what I'm seeing him for, we're gonna be sick of each other's stink before I'm finished with him. So he'd better get to know my religious practices.

Between 2000 and 2006, 90 percent of the vultures of India and southern Africa died inexplicably. When you think about it, what the heck can kill a vulture? Food poisoning?

Turns out that's exactly what killed them. Farmers had begun dosing their livestock with ... you guessed it ... non-steroidal anti-inflammatories. Apparently the painkillers were good for cows, but when vultures eat corpses laced with the stuff, it turns the vultures' insides to goo.

We at "The Gods Are Bored" worship the Sacred Thunderbird with great devotion. So I told the doctor that taking non-steroidal anti-inflammatory painkillers would make me inedible to vultures. Against my religion to be inedible to vultures.

Can you believe this made him laugh? The effrontery! Would he laugh if he shoved a slab of ham at a Jewish patient and said, "Dinner's served?"

I tell ya, I can't get no respect.

The doctor pointed out that it's probably going to be a long time before I will qualify as vulture food. And I hope that's true. But you never know. Just ask that possum splayed across two lanes how things stood with him day before yesterday. One must always be prepared to meet the Sacred Thunderbird.

The prescription for non-steroidal anti-inflammatory painkiller is hanging on my corkboard downstairs. I will not fill it. I'll limp around until the X-rays make me eligible for Limbaugh-grade pharmaceuticals, and then I'll get an operation.

In the meantime, does anyone have any herbal remedies for bursitis?


Maeve said...

I have sciatica (yay, pregnancies!), and have found that a "rice sock" is a lovely aid.

It's essentially a long fabric tube (densely woven material), filled about 2/3 with uncooked rice, and the opening sewed shut. Heat it up in your microwave for a couple minutes and voila, heating pad.

For those who don't want to mess about with the sewing, get a really long tube sock, fill it part way with the uncooked rice, and knot the top shut.

Hecate said...

I love you.

Nettle said...

I'll bring you something for your hip the next time I see you.

~Illisse said...

I don't know if it will work for your hip but for girl cramps (of which I have badly) I drink Biglew red raspberry tea.


THE Michael said...

THE Wife wants me to learn Reiki. Go find a Reiki Master and see what he or she can do for you.

Or an acupuncturist.

Or get hypnotized and believe whatever they tell you.

it all works.

yellowdog granny said... if there is a chinese herbalist around..get some
instant fo-ti-tieng roots tea..take it for about 12 days and it'll be much much better...

Aquila ka Hecate said...

Very funny, thank you!

As to herbal remedies, I must admit I didn't know one - and I should, being in a profession where bursitis is common.

So I looked it up, and it seems licqorice would help. The woody stems that is, not the gummy sweet.

I've taken licqorice myself as part of an all-purpose 'flu remedy I cobbled together, and it certainly didn't kill me, so it might be worth investigating.
Terri in Joburg

Anonymous said...

I injured a bursar in my hip, and my doc agreed to send me to PT. The PT was a great help, and, I still do some of the exercises.

Anonymous said...

And, I forgot, I highly recommend Bio Freeze ( It's a gel and it seems to really help when you put it on.

Thalia said...

I don't know any herbal remedies for you bursitis, but I did think of you yesterday when I was out for a walk. I was surprised to see two turkey vultures sitting on a rooftop a few doors down from me. Damn but those things are big!

And today (I assume the) same two were sitting in one of the craggy-looking locust trees in my back yard, looking down at my mother and me. I have to admit I felt a little nervous, and I guess my mom did too, because when she saw them she said, "Vultures! Quick, look alive!"

Big Tex said...

I have an herbal remedy for bursitis, but I don't think it's legal in your state. :-)

LOL at "Limbaugh-grade pharmaceuticals."

Anonymous said...

Too bad you gave that voodoo angry statue all your triple sec...

Anonymous said...

i second or third the acupuncture suggestion. or second *and* third. but either way, highly recommend it. (and not just because i am training to be an acupuncturist;) okay maybe.)
yoga rocks too. ashtanga has helped me work through some pretty gnarly injuries.
health & healing!

Anonymous said...

Hello Anne,

Where were you able to purchase the "Instant Fo-ti-tieng root tea"? I'm looking for some but can't seem to find any. Hishinlai'