Lately we've been picking apart a Christian tract, and right smack dab in the middle of the process we got a celebrity endorsement. So, many of you newcomers might have gotten the wrong impression. This site's not only about putting the "fun" back in "fundamentalist." We're serious about religion here!
I went to the doctor today, and he wrote a prescription for a painkiller. When I asked him what it was, he said a "non-steroidal anti-inflammatory."
I told him I can't take non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs. It's against my religion.
This doctor doesn't know me very well. But considering what I'm seeing him for, we're gonna be sick of each other's stink before I'm finished with him. So he'd better get to know my religious practices.
Between 2000 and 2006, 90 percent of the vultures of India and southern Africa died inexplicably. When you think about it, what the heck can kill a vulture? Food poisoning?
Turns out that's exactly what killed them. Farmers had begun dosing their livestock with ... you guessed it ... non-steroidal anti-inflammatories. Apparently the painkillers were good for cows, but when vultures eat corpses laced with the stuff, it turns the vultures' insides to goo.
We at "The Gods Are Bored" worship the Sacred Thunderbird with great devotion. So I told the doctor that taking non-steroidal anti-inflammatory painkillers would make me inedible to vultures. Against my religion to be inedible to vultures.
Can you believe this made him laugh? The effrontery! Would he laugh if he shoved a slab of ham at a Jewish patient and said, "Dinner's served?"
I tell ya, I can't get no respect.
The doctor pointed out that it's probably going to be a long time before I will qualify as vulture food. And I hope that's true. But you never know. Just ask that possum splayed across two lanes how things stood with him day before yesterday. One must always be prepared to meet the Sacred Thunderbird.
The prescription for non-steroidal anti-inflammatory painkiller is hanging on my corkboard downstairs. I will not fill it. I'll limp around until the X-rays make me eligible for Limbaugh-grade pharmaceuticals, and then I'll get an operation.
In the meantime, does anyone have any herbal remedies for bursitis?