Monday, April 28, 2008

Remarkable Feat of a Very Small Faerie!

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," a faerie-friendly site! My name is Princess. I'm a faerie. Do you like my hat? Why, thank you. Yes, I love it too!

Let me tell you a fabulous new fairy tale, one you've never heard before because it's just unfolding!

Once upon a time, not so long ago, Anne and her daughters (The Heir and The Spare) went to visit Anne's sister for a two-night stay.

Anne wouldn't let me come, or Puck, or Aine. We are her main faeries. Anne told us we wouldn't be welcome at her sister's house, which wasn't telling us anything we didn't already know. But we didn't want Anne going there without any faeries at all, so we enlisted another local fey, a trickster named Mimsy, to watch the backs of Anne, Heir, and Spare. Mimsy went along on the trip and hasn't come home since.

Last Friday evening, Anne's sister called and left an urgent message. When Anne called her back, Anne's sister said:

"Don't think I'm going to be mad or anything, because it isn't important, but could one of your girls have tried to lift Granny's hand-made ceramic butter dish without knowing the bottom comes off? Because the top is in the display case, but the bottom is gone. I'm just wondering if The Heir or The Spare might have broken it and didn't want to get in trouble, so they didn't say anything."

I was sitting across the room, idly tugging on the cat's whiskers. I could see Anne's blood starting to boil as she held the phone. Anne stayed quite calm as she explained to her sister that The Heir might have been interested in looking at an old hand-made ceramic butter dish, but she would have immediately apologized for breaking anything. The Heir apologizes even when she hasn't done anything wrong, just to keep in practice. (Gotta break her of that habit.)

Then Anne called upstairs, where The Spare was instant-messaging her pals. The Spare admitted that she had gotten into some of the cupboards, but only to look for dog food when the doggie was crying. She said she didn't touch the ceramic butter dish. And why would she? The Spare's like me: If it isn't jewelry, or cute clothes, or makeup, or perfume, or bathing supplies, or nail polish, she can't be bothered.

I'm sitting there listening to this sisterly phone conversation, and I remember that Mimsy went along on the trip and hasn't returned.

Get this: After explaining that the only other person to have been in her kitchen was a nice church lady who comes to walk the dog sometimes, Anne's sister asked Anne:

"What about your faeries? Could they have done this?"

Just like that, she pinned it on us!

Can't say I blame her. If a demon had gone for that butter dish, the demon would have hurled it against Anne's sister's head, or at least against one of the 50 portraits of Jesus in the house.

Anne stayed very calm. She said: "If the faeries took it, you'll find it somewhere in the house, unharmed. It might take you years, but one day it'll turn up."

A very reasonable response, don't you think? Because I could read Anne's mind, and what she was thinking went more like this:

"How dare you accuse my grown daughters of breaking something in your house and then pretending they didn't do it! Just because my kids aren't being raised Christian doesn't mean they're being raised without morals and manners. And what makes you think they'd want to paw over an old butter dish, way up high in a cupboard, made by someone they never met? And what makes you think faeries are any more devious than church ladies who walk dogs?"

Anne suggested that since it was only the bottom of the butter dish that had gone missing, maybe her sister should just go and get some generic butter dish bottom and put the top part on it, because the top is all you see anyway, way up in the cupboard. And then Anne's sister asked Anne to buy the butter dish bottom, because Anne goes to flea markets all the time.

The cat swatted me across the room at this point, and I could actually hear Mimsy laughing through the phone line. But Anne wasn't laughing. She was insulted.

Perhaps you haven't noticed, but take it from me, Princess: It doesn't take much to insult Anne. She's one of those easily-offended people. Fortunately, she bloviates and bitches awhile, and then she gets over it.

However, I know Anne has vowed not to buy any butter dish parts for her sister, except if the dog-watching church lady admits to snooping and breaking crockery. Because that's what happened. The church lady picked up the butter dish, and then Mimsy tripped her, and the dish broke, and Mimsy helped her clean it up and take the pieces away in her car. I've known Mimsy for years. That's the way she works.

I wish Mimsy would come home, but I'm kind of interested to see what happens next. Anne's sister might ask her pastor to exorcise the house, at which time they'll find little Mimsy sitting upstairs in the night stand, right by where Anne was sleeping!

The End (for now)



sageweb said...

It is always the church lady and the faerie. You poor thing getting blamed for the butter dish debacle of 2008.

Jennifer said...

I'm just impressed that sister even admitted to faerie stuff. I'm still working on my mom on that, even after a new hat of mine disappeared inexplicably at her house in December. (Sigh.)

Hecate said...

Sounds as if it's going to be a long time before Anne visits her sister again.

Big Tex said...

Princess, the hat is awesome. I was wondering if you or your associates know whether there are any fairies working at MSNBC - somebody keeps stealing the real news and replacing it with stories about Jeremiah Wright and Miley Cyrus. Nah, on second thought, it's probably just Karl Rove. Oh well, thanks anyway!

yellowdog granny said...

faries get such a bad rap..and i bet when anne finds a way to get even with's going to be a beaut..

Anne Johnson said...

Anne doesn't get even. She gets mad.

Maeve said...

Maybe one day I'll have faeries. I think perhaps faeries used to live here, because a long time ago there were many flowerbeds and gardens, but in the later years of the previous owners' lives, they let grass grow into everything. I'm re-claiming the yard from its grass infestation. And I'm hoping my itty bitty mugwort sprouts grow into nice plants so that I can have a bit of a privacy hedge between our yard and the nosy old neighbor's.

Other than Anne's lovely daughters being blamed for the Butter Dish Mystery, I confess I'm greatly amused by the faerie antics. :)

Anne Johnson said...

Itty bitty mugwort sprouts? My dear, if it's mugwort you want, please drop by Chateau Johnson! I have mugwort to the exclusion of all else. I can't figure out how to get it NOT to grow.

Maeve said...

Oh dear, I was hoping the garden forum reports on mugwort were simply folks being a bit dramatic. Hmm. *plots* A nice deep edging to impede their rampaging might work. Perhaps if I leave them an escape route to the neighbor's yard they would behave? I'm actually kidding, my neighbor might be old and nosy, but she's pretty nice. I do have access to 5 gallon buckets, which do ok at keeping mint in its place (just cut off the bottom, and sink the bucket into the ground. If you leave a few inches above ground, it is handy for watering. Fairly important around here, as we're usually in some kind of drought). It could work! Or I could end up with mugwort everywhere.


Anonymous said...

i love the hat. Where did you get it? (Oh, and Ninja Cat, the resident cat's personal faerie, says hi)