Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," a faerie-friendly site! My name is Princess. I'm a faerie. Do you like my hat? Why, thank you. Yes, I love it too!
Let me tell you a fabulous new fairy tale, one you've never heard before because it's just unfolding!
Once upon a time, not so long ago, Anne and her daughters (The Heir and The Spare) went to visit Anne's sister for a two-night stay.
Anne wouldn't let me come, or Puck, or Aine. We are her main faeries. Anne told us we wouldn't be welcome at her sister's house, which wasn't telling us anything we didn't already know. But we didn't want Anne going there without any faeries at all, so we enlisted another local fey, a trickster named Mimsy, to watch the backs of Anne, Heir, and Spare. Mimsy went along on the trip and hasn't come home since.
Last Friday evening, Anne's sister called and left an urgent message. When Anne called her back, Anne's sister said:
"Don't think I'm going to be mad or anything, because it isn't important, but could one of your girls have tried to lift Granny's hand-made ceramic butter dish without knowing the bottom comes off? Because the top is in the display case, but the bottom is gone. I'm just wondering if The Heir or The Spare might have broken it and didn't want to get in trouble, so they didn't say anything."
I was sitting across the room, idly tugging on the cat's whiskers. I could see Anne's blood starting to boil as she held the phone. Anne stayed quite calm as she explained to her sister that The Heir might have been interested in looking at an old hand-made ceramic butter dish, but she would have immediately apologized for breaking anything. The Heir apologizes even when she hasn't done anything wrong, just to keep in practice. (Gotta break her of that habit.)
Then Anne called upstairs, where The Spare was instant-messaging her pals. The Spare admitted that she had gotten into some of the cupboards, but only to look for dog food when the doggie was crying. She said she didn't touch the ceramic butter dish. And why would she? The Spare's like me: If it isn't jewelry, or cute clothes, or makeup, or perfume, or bathing supplies, or nail polish, she can't be bothered.
I'm sitting there listening to this sisterly phone conversation, and I remember that Mimsy went along on the trip and hasn't returned.
Get this: After explaining that the only other person to have been in her kitchen was a nice church lady who comes to walk the dog sometimes, Anne's sister asked Anne:
"What about your faeries? Could they have done this?"
Just like that, she pinned it on us!
Can't say I blame her. If a demon had gone for that butter dish, the demon would have hurled it against Anne's sister's head, or at least against one of the 50 portraits of Jesus in the house.
Anne stayed very calm. She said: "If the faeries took it, you'll find it somewhere in the house, unharmed. It might take you years, but one day it'll turn up."
A very reasonable response, don't you think? Because I could read Anne's mind, and what she was thinking went more like this:
"How dare you accuse my grown daughters of breaking something in your house and then pretending they didn't do it! Just because my kids aren't being raised Christian doesn't mean they're being raised without morals and manners. And what makes you think they'd want to paw over an old butter dish, way up high in a cupboard, made by someone they never met? And what makes you think faeries are any more devious than church ladies who walk dogs?"
Anne suggested that since it was only the bottom of the butter dish that had gone missing, maybe her sister should just go and get some generic butter dish bottom and put the top part on it, because the top is all you see anyway, way up in the cupboard. And then Anne's sister asked Anne to buy the butter dish bottom, because Anne goes to flea markets all the time.
The cat swatted me across the room at this point, and I could actually hear Mimsy laughing through the phone line. But Anne wasn't laughing. She was insulted.
Perhaps you haven't noticed, but take it from me, Princess: It doesn't take much to insult Anne. She's one of those easily-offended people. Fortunately, she bloviates and bitches awhile, and then she gets over it.
However, I know Anne has vowed not to buy any butter dish parts for her sister, except if the dog-watching church lady admits to snooping and breaking crockery. Because that's what happened. The church lady picked up the butter dish, and then Mimsy tripped her, and the dish broke, and Mimsy helped her clean it up and take the pieces away in her car. I've known Mimsy for years. That's the way she works.
I wish Mimsy would come home, but I'm kind of interested to see what happens next. Anne's sister might ask her pastor to exorcise the house, at which time they'll find little Mimsy sitting upstairs in the night stand, right by where Anne was sleeping!
The End (for now)