Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we ... emm, excuse me.
The cats are running for the crawlspace, and the sulfurous odors are multiplying by the second. That can only mean one thing...
Oh, yes. Here he is, my old ancestor Satan. Looking quite the picture in his evening attire.
Satan: Please call me "Mr. Applegate," Anne. You know I hate all those devil names.
Anne: And I hate you. So there! How about if I call you Stinky? It's more precise.
Applegate: Go ahead. Hurt my feelings. Where's your compassion? How would you like to have my job?
Anne: Not much, Stinky. (For my newer readers out there, I'd like to note that I allow Satan to vent on my blog because I'm not afraid of him. I've got my afterlife booked with a different carrier.)
Applegate: I heard that. Actually I applaud it. The waiting lines in the One God terminal get longer every day.
Anne: Actually, Stinky, there was something I wanted to talk to you about.
Applegate: Fire away ... pardon the pun.
Anne: I just read an article by Los Angeles Times writer Geoff Boucher about an entrepreneur who is planning to issue an audio performance of the entire Revised King James Bible on CDs. That's 70 in all.
Applegate: That's correct. It's called "The Word of Promise," and the first 20 CDs, New Testament, will be out in October ... hopefully.
Anne: It's that "hopefully" part that intrigues me, Stinky. Apparently the director, Carl Amari, has cast all the characters in the NT except you. He's got Jim Caviezel doing Jesus (talk about a typecast you'd want to avoid), Luke Perry as Judas, and Marisa Tomei as Mary Magdalene. But no one wants to be the devil.
Applegate: Even though I've got the best lines.
Anne: I had nothing better to do today than think this over, and I came up with some actors who might fit the bill. I've never quite been able to shake Alec Baldwin's performance in Glengarry Glen Ross. What do you think of Alec Baldwin?
Applegate: I saw that movie too! Yikes! Chilling.
Anne: Aren't you going to help me here? Steve Tyler came to mind until I saw the YouTube posted at Jesus' General.
Applegate: That's worse than chilling. I'd call that performance "The Taming of the Shrill." Please, no Steve Tyler. Dream on.
Anne: Why should it be up to me? You're Satan. You must have some idea who sounds the most like you.
Applegate: Sarah Vaughan.
Anne: Yeah, right. Right. I can believe that. Okay, I'm ready to buy the Brooklyn Bridge now.
Applegate: No, I'm serious. See, you earthlings don't know about me. In my prior post, on a beautiful little planet in the Crab Nebula, I was the god of singing for a perfectly adorable praise and worship team. Oh, the music we made! (wipes tears)
Anne: Some of my more recent readers won't know the backstory. Fill them in.
Applegate: Meteor the size of Pluto smashed into the planet. My pantheon had to tighten its belt since it wasn't getting any new angels into its afterlife. I was let go.
Anne: So you can sing like Sarah Vaughan. Prove it.
Applegate: "Whatever Lola wants ... Lola gets ... and little man, Lola wants you..."
Anne: By damn, you weren't kidding! You sound just like The Divine One!
Applegate: Duhhhhh. I am divine!
Anne: I don't think they'll find any musical divas of that high quality willing to be Satan on a 20-CD rendering of the New Testament. But maybe that Sanjay guy is available.
Applegate: That's it. I'm leaving. I'm not standing around here to be insulted anymore!
Anne: Said it before, say it again. Don't let the door bump your tail as you go. And stay away from my sofa!
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
PS - No one will believe me, but I wrote this entry before hearing the Baldwin rant on Countdown with Keith Friday night.