Sunday, April 01, 2007


Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," a torture-free site! We're so gentle we blanch at the thought of treating a termite infestation. Hope we never get one.

So here's the caveat on today's post. If you're squeamish, better toddle off and plant some primroses. Today we're going to examine the latest in school service groups, the Future Government Interrogators of America.

You've heard of these school groups, right? Like, FBLA is Future Business Leaders of America, and FTA is Future Teachers of America. I was a national officer in FUWA (Future Unemployed Writers of America). Big, big group, that.

People always float into careers more successfully if they've had training while in high school. It appears, therefore, that the local student members of FGIA (Future Government Interrogators of America) are off to bright futures.

I'm not very plugged in to my community. Don't get heaping helpings of the local gossip. Every now and then, though, I run into my neighbor. She is the 880 line for gossip. She knows everything about everybody.

Yesterday she told me this tale about the white, well-scrubbed Blue Ribbon Schoolers who will be juniors when my daughter The Spare arrives at the high school.

Apparently a foster child seeking approval from the little angels in the Blue Ribbon School made the angels an offer. The foster was going out of town with her foster parents for a trip. She told the angel students where the key to her house was hidden. She told the angels to make free use of the house for a party or two.

(We at "The Gods Are Bored" do not keep a key hidden outside our home. The faeries would steal it anyway.)

Back to the story. The angels took the foster child up on her offer. They filled super-soakers with piss and sprayed them all over the house. They left fresh fecal material in the piano. And, if my neighbor can be believed, they spent their manhood on the beds to an excruciating extent. They committed more conventional vandalism as well. The house was uninhabitable when the family returned from their trip.

You might wonder: What badass neighborhood is Anne living in, raising her children in, schooling them in? For lack of a better word, I'll call this borough Rich White People Land.

Did it sound like Detroit to you? Folks, we at "The Gods Are Bored" have lived in Detroit. We teach students from Camden, New Jersey. Trust us, kids from those towns vent their rage in totally different ways. I know for a fact that my Camden students would be appalled if I told them this story. They would know right away that this didn't happen in their town.

That's why kids from Camden and Detroit wind up in the regular Army, while kids from this borough that I live in are headed into positions of power with the government interrogation units.

I can say this stuff because I'm not John Kerry.

So my take on this little tale is that the angel students in my local high school were competing for national honors in the Future Government Interrogators of America. Remember, interrogators try not to kill their victims, only to harm and humiliate them so they wish for death. I'm not sure the local team will take the blue ribbon, but they may very well earn an honorable (?) mention.

We at "The Gods Are Bored" are gagging in the greenery. We're trying to look on the bright side ... after all, high schoolers should persevere toward career goals and all that ... but our daughter The Spare will be attending classes with these enterprising youngsters. And we can't even find out who they are.

The best we can do is warn The Spare not to join the Young Republican Club.



Anne Johnson said...

Maybe I ought to write about the West Virginia Flying Squirrel.

Rosie said...

Urrrgh. What a bunch of little nasty pieces of work! Sounds like they left a gang of DNA behind. Sounds like a job for CSI.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Sounds like every crop of Popular/Powerful Kids that I ever went to school with, and every crop of them that's ever existed.

Small wonder that we are currently being driven into the sigmoid colon of hell by the "grown-up" (HA!) versions of these little thugs/monsters/sociopaths. Money greases the wheels of progress, and the RIGHT money and the right connections can give you the world. Then you can piss and shit all over it just like Dick & Dumbya have.

Is there any reason for us to stay on this planet? It's not like it's ever going to get any better... *sigh*

buddy don said...

wow. whut kin be sed, but wow. wish twernt so bleevabull, but tiz based on sum of the folks i wint to skool with in californy.

Athana said...

These dudes sound like they come from homes where they’re constantly told they’re bad. So they spend six days out of every seven trying like hades to be good. Then that last day, something pops. And they just have a riot living up to their bad-boy monikers.

Definitely Young Republicans, anne. You’ve hit a homer on this one, IMHO (I just figured out IMHO means “in my humble opinion,” so I have the biggest urge to plaster it everywhere I go, IMHO, IMHO).