Okay you feeble pukes, listen up.
I'm Mars, the God of War, and I've come to help Emperor Bush deliver his State of the Union Address.
If you're wondering what happened to Anne, I stuffed her sorry ass down a well headfirst. It took less than 3 seconds. Then I ate her goats.
It is with great optimism that I look around at America today, January 31, 2006. First, the good news.
Lady Justice's scales are tipping way to the right as Judge Alito ascends to the High Court in preparation for creating a dictatorship in the proud tradition of ancient Rome.
All hail Emperor Richard Santorum! And he is an excellent choice, seeing that he has sons. Emperor Rick has what it takes to rule America with an iron hand. Anyone who opposes his notions on family values will be crucified. Thank you in advance, Judge Alito, for paving the way out of this ridiculous democracy.
More good news. America is at war! And we all know how wonderful war is, don't we, pukes? Now all we've got to do is expand this war. More war! Attack any nation that produces oil, until you corner the market! You DO love your Hummer, don't you, puke? I can't HEAR you!
Some country you don't like is building a bomb? Bomb them first! Strike hard! Spare no one! That's how empires are built, you pansy pukes. Think of the glory that was Rome, and then ACT!
With any nation there's room for improvement. I, Mars, make these recommendations:
1. Health insurance? What kind of bullshit is that? Yank that motherfucker! Only the strong survive. Only the rich deserve doctors. Case closed.
2. Caring for the poor? How about this? Enslave them! Put them to work, feed them starvation fare, and when they drop over, who cares? Rights for the rich! It fuckin' worked in Rome, didn't it, pukes?
3. Student loans? If your sorry bastard can't pay cash for tuition, what the fuck is he doing in college? As for women in college, forget it! What a waste of resources. Women exist for two purposes: to give men pleasure, and to breed. After that they should be working their asses off as slaves.
4. Tax cuts for the rich and expectations of obscene profit margins? I heartily endorse this. If your company isn't making enough to fatten its stockholders, kill the extraneous workers and make the ones who are left work harder. It's called capitalism, pukes.
5. Spying on anyone and everyone? Absolutely! And to that I would add encouraging neighbors to rat out subversives. Who gives a fuck if a few innocent people get crucified? It's been known to happen before.
6. Outsourcing torture? Why the fuck would you do that? Torture those criminals in the public square in Red States, where the locals will appreciate the entertainment!
7. Protesters in marches? Shit. You've got tanks. Mow those roaches down, round up the rest, take them to Red States, and feed them to lions. Why do you only use those nice stadiums on Sundays? Human sacrifices daily! You lose nothing by exterminating protesters.
Oh yeah. And no more abortion. We'll need those kids as slaves.
Queers can live if they're rich. Otherwise, flog them to death.
My last bold proposition: Restore the Roman pantheon! You already believe in a big, bold, vengeful God, so why not go the whole nine yards? Do that and you'll rule the fuckin world!
Now go forth and conquer, America the Bold. Make me proud.
GOD OF WAR