Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Polytheism Is the Opiate of the Missus

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" We think the Moral Majority isn't, and the Religious Right really isn't. Our doctrine consists of restoring ancient gods and goddesses to the positions they once held (including a living wage, benefits and vacation time).

These gods and goddesses are the victims of hostile takeovers by a series of monotheistic religions that, no matter the original intention of the god in charge, have wreaked mayhem around the world.

Not to mention leaving stubborn stains on furniture.

I'm Anne, your hostess. My furniture is spotless.

Being democratic and open-minded about pantheons gives me great optimism about my prospects on the Other Side. Never having had much opportunity to travel the world, I confidently expect to be welcome in many and various heavens, by such a wealth of bored gods that I'll hardly know where to start!

And oh, the time share possibilities! When it's hot outside I'll hang with Sedna, awesome goddess of the Inuits. Then, when my toes get cold, I'll pay a social call on Tiki or Chondanga in their jungle habitats.

Positively makes me want to go end it all right now, except the current state of my country is so consistently backward and baffling that I can't wait to watch the next carnival of buffoons.

I am a goat judge by trade. But I feel that my reach extends past those cloven-footed wonders and their incomparable crumbly cheese. I would never skewer a real goat, but metaphorically I really enjoy sticking it to the human goats out there.

They don't know who they are. They think they're great guys. Note the gender-specific language.

So, old friends and new, join me on this Odyssey celebrating diversity in society and in the hereafter!

When was the last time you heard anyone say, "In Tiki We Trust?" Well, why the heck not? Poor old Tiki, sitting around staring at a checkerboard. If he hears you trust him, it will make his day!

It was Karl Marx who said, "Religion is the opiate of the masses." Well, polytheism is the opiate of this Missus, and she's glad to have it in all its rainbow glory.

In Tiki We Trust.


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