Frank Talk about Marrying Fifi or Fluffy

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," wringing laughter out of the mildewed blanket of America since 2005!

Don't ask me how, but I wandered into a Religious Right blog, and the guy was complaining that, if fags aren't bad enough, now Israel is allowing people to marry their pets!

So that got me thinking, of course.

I've been married for more than 20 years. Right there you know my spouse is not a canine or a feline. Not many of them last that long.

Marriage. What exactly is it?

I have an old friend named Bert, a fellow goat judge and a real character. Next to Ben Franklin, I'll bet Bert has chased and bagged more skirt than anyone. (Not me, muchachas, I'm married to a man who makes Johnny Depp look like Frankenstein.)

Bert once said, "Married sex is like striking out the pitcher. Actually, men would be better off financially just buying pussy from prostitutes. It's cheaper in the long run."

Prince of a man, eh?

But in a way, he makes a point. Marriage is based on more than just sex. It's a contract to care for someone and to contribute to the financial, moral, and biological growth of offspring. At its most basic level, marriage is an agreement to stick with someone even when it's not fun, and to provide for that person even after you're gone.

People love their pets. However, although it's not unheard-of, people rarely boogie on down with Fifi and Fluffy.

(Please note that this entry does not cover ungulates or bovines. You wanna marry a cow, you'd better see a therapist.)

I can sure see where a marriage contract with a beloved pet would help to provide for that pet in the event of an owner's demise. And if you don't know some lonely old person whose only consolation is Fifi, where the hell do you live?

So, we at "The Gods Are Bored" go on record as endorsing legal marriage between people and their pets. Why not send Fluffy into her declining years with a hefty life insurance policy and your pension benefits?

FROM ANNE
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS