Batman in the Bunker

GOTHAM CITY. POPULATION 798,000. PLEASE HELP US KEEP OUR CITY CLEAN!

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," coming to you live and direct today from Gotham City! The mood here is tense and sullen, and even the Joker's frowning as Batman - The Caped Crusader - brings in this report from Persia.

Batman: Hunker in the bunker, boys. Iran is just about finished building its very own nuke, and those wacko zealots won't hesistate to send it flying.

Robin: Holy Moses, Batman! Why would they do that?

Joker: You'd think their only knowledge of nuclear weapons comes from reading DC Comics books.

Thor: Marvel's always had better story lines.

Batman: Thor, this is not the time to be offering editorial commentary on the relative merits of two competing comic book companies. You're a god, for god's sake. Act like one.

Thor: Sorry.

Flash: Sketch out a scenario for us, Bruce.

Batman: It's very simple. Most reasonable nations view nuclear weapons as doing much more harm than good, in terms of environmental and worldwide quality-of-life degradation.

Aquaman: Absolutely correct! A radioactive cloud passing over water will kill or mutate all the undersea life! You wouldn't dare eat a fish for decades!

Boris Badenov: Yaaz, just look what Chernobyl did to Mother Russia! And zat vos accident!

Batman: I don't think the world can count on the religiously motivated leadership of Iran to take into account the entire fallout potential if they were to, say, bomb Tel Aviv or ... Gotham City.

Riddler: That's it. I'm packing my bags. I've never liked it here anyway.

Robin: Holy emu, Batman! Is there anything, I mean anything we can do as Superheroes?

Batman: I'm afraid our hopes are pinned completely on the Chinese and the Russians.

G.I. Joe: Our government could stage a pre-emptive, full-frontal attack...

(Chaos as the other superheroes and villains bombard G.I. Joe with wadded-up paper towels.)

Darth Vader: I know this is rich coming from me, but can't we reason with these people?

Batman: Sorry, Darth. When you've got zealots who believe that they're ordered by their deity to start pocking the earth with radioactive craters, there's not a whole hell of a lot you can do.

Thor: All right, we're off to the bunker. But we're not having any Dr. Strangelove antics. No humans allowed! Let them reap what they sow. From now on, we comic book creations will just keep to ourselves.

Spiderman: Can I at least bring Aunt May?

Batman: Yeah, but make it snappy. The bunker doors close promptly at 0800. And I'll trust all you super guys and gals, and villains, AND you, G.I. Joe, to leave all your weapons up here ground level to get incinerated when the nukes start to fly.

G.I. Joe: Roger. Say, Pete. Is your Aunt May pretty?

(Chaos as G.I. Joe is strapped into a jet pack and sent in the general direction of Mars.)

FROM ANNE
THE SUPERWOMAN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS