Wednesday, September 05, 2007

The Loophole

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," now taking passengers for heaven at Door Number One! And guess what? You don't have to leap off at that big commuter hub where everyone else exits to run to their cars. Ride on a few more stops. Enjoy the scenery. There are some really nice deities further out along the line. Especially if you go local and not express.

I'm in the process of eliminating everything that annoys me day by day. Of course, in order to do this completely one must medicate profusely. But just by dropping a few morons here and there, a burden can be lightened.

About two years ago I got suckered into a community group full of elderly ladies with strong opinions. One of them keeps sending me "WE NEED PRAYER IN THE SCHOOLS" chain mails. Two days ago, this annoying gal sent me this long thing about a father whose child was killed at Columbine. The father testified before Congress that what caused his child to be killed was a lack of God in the schools. He blamed Congress for yanking God outta the classrooms.

So, okay. This is about the 16th of these I've gotten from the same dapper gal. Finally I responded. I said that our current leadership can't advocate prayer in schools because it is against the VERY FIRST AMENDMENT in the U.S. Constitution. Yep, this is not the doing of Nancy Pelosi, no matter what they say in Kansas.

Her reply reveals the fundie response to the carefully-crafted Establishment Clause:

1. A moment of silence should be allowed in which children can pray.

2. Congress didn't mean not to establish CHRISTIANITY as its religion, only a specific BRANCH of Christianity, like Anglicanism.

This lady had a long career in nursing. How could she have assisted heart surgeons while proving to be so unable to think critically?

To her first spirited reply, I would like to tell her that Druids do not pray silently. We chant "Awens," often quite loudly and always loudly enough to be heard. That might prove distracting to the Christian kindergarteners at your local public school.

To the second, I would like to tell her that "Christianity" is so broad that it includes Satan worship. One rather doubts that James Madison would like Congress to establish a religion that, on its most radical wing, encourages the slaughter of kittens in pentagrams.

I'm not going to waste my precious fingerprints typing a reply to my chain-mail gal pal. That's what a delete button is for. And -- to get back to my first point -- I've quit the group she's in. Saying "I resign" removed an annoyance from my life.

The moral of today's sermon: Go ahead and pray in school if you want to, but don't ask the damn government to choose your brand of prayer as its primary provider.

Second moral: One of the kids killed at Columbine was shot in cold blood because she said she believed in God. So God was in the school that day after all. If this sounds cold, well, you just don't believe in a hereafter. I believe in a hereafter ... lots of 'em.


Elvis Drinkmo said...


Would you mind forwarding one of those emails on over to me so that we here at the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets can analyze them.

Anne Johnson said...

Ever so sorry, but I deleted it! Yes, I do believe that your praise and worship team would be interested. Sorry I didn't think of it, Batman ... err ... Mothman.

Thomas said...

If prayer were institutionalized in public schools, would the schools be obligated to rescind their weapons policies so that Pagans and Siekhs could worship in their chosen manner?

If they were to allow this, would they then have to allow everyone to come to school armed since it's only us whackos and brown people that would be carrying swords otherwise?

Neo said...

Hi Anne. Great post! I am an avid silent reader of your blog. Thought I should speak up!
I've always lived by my philosophy that 'life is simple, people complicate it'.
I relate to your story as I was stalked by the mormons on my doorstep for many months.
Telling them "i'm wiccan, I have decided on my own views, dieties and worship, I respect yours, so your welcome to come in for coffee but quit trying to change my beliefs!"
They didn't so i got sick of them and every time they knocked I just played Iron Maiden's "number of the beast".... needless to say they got my message after that!

Your blog is truly lovely,Darl.
Kind Regards Zoe XXX

Anne Johnson said...

We at "The Gods Are Bored" love our loyal readers! It really cheers us up at the end of a long day. We are still waiting for the nice Mormon boys so we can convert them to the worship of Druid Deities and Sacred Thunderbirds. It's our hope they'll go back to Salt Lake City and spread the word.

Thanks, Neo.

BBC said...

"I believe in a hereafter ... lots of 'em."

Being as one gets what they want the hereafter to be to them I dare say that there are lots of them. Zillions of them.

And on most days getting there would be a lot more pleasant than being here, I've had enough of this sick planet.

Rosie said...

You go girl!

Yes...The DC Comictician would no doubt be able to glean some useful tidbits in his quest to bring all under the protective shroud of the First Church of the DC Comictician and Latter Day Citizens of the United Federation of Planets. Good thing you deleted them. Not sure I want him going to town on those.

Anonymous said...

Whats the big deal? As long as there are exams in school there will be prayers in school.

Emily G. W. Lilly said...

Speaking of door-to-door evangelicals, as well as things that stress you out, we were visited by the Jehovah's Witnesses on Friday. The back page of one of the leaflets was an advertisement for a "textbook" they have published explaining the scientific basis of creationism. They have been busy distributing this book to schools all over the world (apparently every high school biology teacher in Estonia now has one).

And you can get a _free_ copy by just writing to the address at the bottom of the ad! I don't know if having it would increase or lessen your stress, but I thought I'd let you know that we have this very special address, and if you e-mail us, we can forward it along.

Morninghawk Apollo said...

I find it very enjoyable entertainment to engage the Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, etc. I have a couple of general approaches to discussing with them.

1) Talk Bible with them, focusing on such sections as Job (how God sends Satan down to earth to test Job), or the passage in Genesis 1 that uses the plural as reference to God, etc.

2) Discuss how Jesus was really a magician and prophet of the reincarnated Dionysos and how his real teachings are to open our eyes to the glory of the Wine God.

Both approaches generally take under 1 hour for both Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons. I then conclude with inviting them back anytime for wine and bread as they try to politely leave. Unfortunately, none of them has ever taken me up on my offer of a return visit.