In Which I Violate the First Amendment

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," your front row seat to the comedy of life! Boatloads of mirth, for what it's worth!

In 2004 I lost my job to corporate greed. I decided that one way to recoup a little of the income was to become a substitute teacher. Thus, in the fall of 2005 I found myself climbing a set of concrete stairs into a Vocational-Technical school whose student body is 65 percent Hispanic, 30 percent African American, and 5 percent Asian.

Mindful of the Establishment Clause in the Constitution, I've never confessed to bringing my faeries with me, although I wear one or the other of them to school every time I go. (They travel with me in wearable-sized witch balls.)

A few months ago, one of my students noticed Puck and said, "That's a witch's ball. Are you Wiccan?"

Could have knocked me over with a feather.

I replied, "Actually I'm a Druid." Because I was only answering the question, you know?

He started peppering me with questions, which I demurred because of my faithfulness to the Clause. (And because I was supposed to be teaching them about John Stuart Mill or some other excruciatingly boring dead white guy.)

This conversation occurred during a long-term assignment I had back in the winter. Last week I went in to school on a daily gig, and the student was in my homeroom. He was reading a Goth-looking book about "Night Magick," big Pentagram on the cover. He showed it to me proudly.

There was another teacher watching me at the time, so I didn't say anything. But I've been worrying and fretting about ... emm ... let's call him Orlando, there's only about 25 Orlandos at this school.

See, I wanted to make sure he wasn't boning up on black magic or some other negative stuff. But I couldn't query him about it with another teacher in the room, or even with other students listening. I could only hope that he hadn't gotten his hands on some piece of sensationalist claptrap.

You know, it's funny how the bored gods work. Because I went to the Vo-Tech this week, and I was supposed to cover for Teacher A, but Teacher B didn't like the substitute assigned to her class, so I got switched. Orlando was in Teacher B's class, writing a book report about his magick book.

How's them apples?

So Orlando turned in his book report, and I read it, and it turns out the book was okay, theologically sound where bored gods and goddesses are concerned. In fact his "cast of characters" consisted of a long list of bored deities! (Too bad I'm not grading the thing, I'd give him an A for the year.)

Quickly and quietly he and I went over the Threefold Rule, and I asked him what specifically interested him about magick, and he said he was psychic. I told him I know a medium, and he should work on developing his talent.

Then I guess I broke down and slam-dunked the Establishment Clause. Because I took a sticky note and wrote on it, "Isaac Bonewits." I told Orlando to Google the name.

Okay, okay, I don't always practice what I preach. But there are so few of us Pagans, and it's not like I stood up in front of the class and wrote Bonewits's name on the chalkboard. In fact, the secrecy of the transaction appealed to both Orlando and me. He pocketed the sticky, and no one else paid any attention.

I'm not sure I'll be back at the Vo-Tech this coming fall. I have to drive there, and I live within walking distance of another high school. If I have to give up the Vo-Tech, I sure will miss some of the students there. Especially every one I've ever had named Orlando. There's magic in that name.

Please don't tell the ACLU about this, huh?

FROM ANNE
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS

Time to Write the Cards

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where I'm dreaming of a wet Xmas! Forget white. Doesn't happen in a month of Xmases. Not here, not now. I understand it was different when George Washington was residing in these parts.





If it's December 30, that means it's time to sit down and tackle the old Xmas cards. I mean, write them up and send them out. And this is an odd ritual, because I always dread it and then, when I've gotten all the cute pictures of my cousins' kids and the sweet notes from old folks I never get to see, I like responding to them. Warms up the ol' spirit, dontcha know.



It's not enough for me just to write a cheery note inside each card. (And, I forgot to add, I just got 2 packs at 5o percent off at the pharmacy up the street.) I like to compose a little holiday poem all of my own, just to let everyone know that I still have a pulse.



Nobody on my card list reads this blog. Not one soul. So I'm sharing this with you, having no fears of duplication of effort!



That nativity scene
On the courthouse lawn
Is unconstitutional--
It should be gone.
But if you like it,
More power to ya
Just duck when the ACLU
Moves in to sue ya.

FROM ANNE
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
With this post we welcome our new official TGAB photographer, my daughter The Spare! Wait until you see her most recent cake!

The Loophole

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," now taking passengers for heaven at Door Number One! And guess what? You don't have to leap off at that big commuter hub where everyone else exits to run to their cars. Ride on a few more stops. Enjoy the scenery. There are some really nice deities further out along the line. Especially if you go local and not express.

I'm in the process of eliminating everything that annoys me day by day. Of course, in order to do this completely one must medicate profusely. But just by dropping a few morons here and there, a burden can be lightened.

About two years ago I got suckered into a community group full of elderly ladies with strong opinions. One of them keeps sending me "WE NEED PRAYER IN THE SCHOOLS" chain mails. Two days ago, this annoying gal sent me this long thing about a father whose child was killed at Columbine. The father testified before Congress that what caused his child to be killed was a lack of God in the schools. He blamed Congress for yanking God outta the classrooms.

So, okay. This is about the 16th of these I've gotten from the same dapper gal. Finally I responded. I said that our current leadership can't advocate prayer in schools because it is against the VERY FIRST AMENDMENT in the U.S. Constitution. Yep, this is not the doing of Nancy Pelosi, no matter what they say in Kansas.

Her reply reveals the fundie response to the carefully-crafted Establishment Clause:

1. A moment of silence should be allowed in which children can pray.

2. Congress didn't mean not to establish CHRISTIANITY as its religion, only a specific BRANCH of Christianity, like Anglicanism.

This lady had a long career in nursing. How could she have assisted heart surgeons while proving to be so unable to think critically?

To her first spirited reply, I would like to tell her that Druids do not pray silently. We chant "Awens," often quite loudly and always loudly enough to be heard. That might prove distracting to the Christian kindergarteners at your local public school.

To the second, I would like to tell her that "Christianity" is so broad that it includes Satan worship. One rather doubts that James Madison would like Congress to establish a religion that, on its most radical wing, encourages the slaughter of kittens in pentagrams.

I'm not going to waste my precious fingerprints typing a reply to my chain-mail gal pal. That's what a delete button is for. And -- to get back to my first point -- I've quit the group she's in. Saying "I resign" removed an annoyance from my life.

The moral of today's sermon: Go ahead and pray in school if you want to, but don't ask the damn government to choose your brand of prayer as its primary provider.

Second moral: One of the kids killed at Columbine was shot in cold blood because she said she believed in God. So God was in the school that day after all. If this sounds cold, well, you just don't believe in a hereafter. I believe in a hereafter ... lots of 'em.

Blogging Against Theocracy: Who Let the Moths Out?

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" One abomination, under Gawd, indigestible, with Libby free and justice in thrall!

I don't know about you, but I think our American flag is sort of like the picture of Dorian Gray. If it could show its true colors, it might look something like this:

Someone unleashed the Four Gypsy Moths of the Apocalypse. And they are: Greed, Corruption, Injustice, and Hypocrisy.

America. We create a wasteland and call it progress.

Blog Against Theocracy

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," separating church and state with a crowbar if necessary!

We proudly join the July 1-4 Blog Against Theocracy, and we encourage our readers to do the same.

Our founding fathers were mostly Christians, but they were enlightened enough to see a day when this nation would include people of many different faiths and many different sects. And so, in the very first Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, they included the following words:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

Okay, boys and girls, let's say it again, and maybe we'll know it by memory.

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

Sweet land of liberty. So mote it be.

FROM ANNE

EXERCISING DRUIDRY AS PER CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS

This One Made Me Laugh

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" You thought I was just kidding when I said I was swathed in 100 pounds of vulture feathers. Hoo hee! This is me! Suffering for the Sacred Thunderbird!

Seriously, if you want to get 3 seconds of air time on a major metropolitan newscast, dress like this.

I read something funny in the newspaper just now. You might have missed it if you don't live in Philadelphia.

There are two U.S. Mints in America: Philadelphia and Denver. Their job is to churn out the coin of the realm, those shiny pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters that you dump into parking meters and laundromat washing machines.

Lately the two mints have been busy churning and churning on yet another dumbcluck idea. They've been turning out yet another dollar coin.

How many dollar coins are they going to produce before they get it that we just don't want them? For the love of fruitflies, I just adored the one with Sacajawea on it, I thought it was an honor to the bored gods and everything. Did I use it? Only on the El. You go to the Elevated Train, you put your paper dollar in one machine, it spits out Sacajawea, then you put Sacajawea in another machine for a ticket. If you don't take the El every day, you're hard pressed to find a merchant that doesn't look at pretty Sac and say, "Don't you have a real dollar?"

The newest dollar coins are meant to be collectible but also usable as legal tender. Philly's been cranking them out in epic numbers.

Some day this week or last, something went wrong. The new dollar coin, sporting yet another boring picture of George Washington, is supposed to say "In God We Trust" around the rim of the coin. Isn't technology amazing? Except that the folks at the Philadelphia Mint missed a big bunch of dollar coins. Some went out without the "In God We Trust" logo.

Did you get that? There's finally some usable money out there that doesn't violate the Establishment Clause!

Oh, if only I can stuff my paper dollars into the El machine and here the sweet jingle jangle of a dollar coin that doesn't say "In God We Trust!"

In the meantime, I am not for the life of me going to spend forty bucks buying one off Ebay.

Sadly, though the coins were minted in Philadelphia (which is my point of destination when I ride the El), they were apparently dispersed in Florida and points south. So if you know someone who's down at Spring Training cheering on their favorite baseball team, text 'em quick and get 'em to hit the banks.

Today freedom is not free. It costs a dollar.

FROM ANNE

VULTURETTA

A new feature of "The Gods Are Bored": trying to think up a new stupid Pagan name every day.

Magickal Working for Our Overheated Planet

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," perfectly serious entries about 1/10000th of the time!

On Friday, March 2, please be in meditation to the deity you praise and worship, asking for intercession in this grave global warming situation. Nothing has a greater potential to ruin our world, except perhaps a rogue meteorite or the Yellowstone Caldera.

Meditation will begin at 7:30 p.m. The deity to whom you address you concerns is your business, not mine.

If you don't believe in deities of any sort, just turn off your lights for a little while and save the energy.

FROM ANNE

THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS