Saturday, September 02, 2006

Everything You Need

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Godless? Never! We've always got room at the table for another god or goddess. And for you, too, so long as you're not a sloppy eater. See our theme song, by the peerless Nachtchat, below!

Today I was more or less forced to go shopping at one of those big box chain stores. Ech, yuck. But you can't get tablecloths at the thrift store. Remember our rule about staining things.

The store manager rang up my purchase, and he said:

"Did you find everything you need?"

Sorry, but it always cracks me up when they ask that. As if Bed, Bath and Beyond could satisfy all my needs in its overpriced aisles!

Can't you think of just about 1,000 snappy comebacks to that question? I mean, like the personal:

"I didn't see college tuition for my daughters back there. What aisle is it on?"

To the universal:

"I need a rapid cessation of global warming and sane national leadership."

To the profound:

"I need to feel peace, within and without."

To the truth:

"I need my teenaged body and my adult smarts. WHAT THE HELL AISLE IS THAT ON?"

Today I asked for Johnny Depp. Not that I need him or anything, it would just be fun to bring him home and see my tween's reaction.

You should have seen the look on the guy's face. The lady getting ready to stuff one tablecloth into a huge plastic bag just cracked up. But the guy didn't get me at all. I guess he's still adjusting to losing his high-salaried executive job and having to settle for working as a manager at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

PS - I didn't take their huge plastic bag. I never take plastic bags unless I need them.


Interrobang said...

That's a really great strategy. I think I might try that sometime if I'm out. Lessee, I really need a paycheque, airfare for my fancyman to come visit me, and my laptop fixed, off the top... :)

Which bored god(dess) specialises in finding paycheques for overeducated, underemployed schlubs with expensive computers?

Hecate said...

Or if you were to say, "No, I wanted those little tiny cornichons and I didn't find them," the guy would walk away from the cash register and go find them for you. Right.