That's Anne with an "E"

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Contrary to the opinons of a certain bestselling author, we are both liberal and God-filled! Godless? Us? Heavens to Betsy, no no NO! How many gods or goddesses do you need? We can fill your order, under budget and by your deadline, no matter how demanding it is! Gods R Us, People!

It's hard being named "Anne Johnson." There's so many of us. (Famously, once at a PTA meeting, the other Anne Johnson on my block came up to me in front of everyone and thanked me for her diaphragm. Apparently my insurance had paid for her prophylactic. We howled. If only she took Vicodin, eh?)

I can take one consolation in this oh-so-common name. I read in the newspaper a few years back that women who spell "Anne" with an "e" on the end have more confidence and live longer than women who spell Ann without the "e." Apparently the "e" business originated with Queens (not drag), and the commoners stuck to the old "Ann."

I guess you know where this is heading. I'm fixing to disrespect a certain unqueenly Ann, the one who dares call me Godless while posing on a book cover in a dress that would earn her three grand a night in Vegas.

Point of fact, Ann dearie, Zeus just cabled his intention of donning his swan suit and paying you a visit.

Just caught the Lou Dobbs report in which Missie Ann Coulter compared herself to H. L. Mencken and Mark Twain. Even my 12-year-old, The Spare, was hurling Corn Pops at the t.v. screen.

H. L. Mencken would have one word for Missie Ann, and it would cover two bases: BOOB.

The bored gods hate Ann Coulter to such an extent that they have convinced Anne with a queenly "e" never to purchase another Random House book at point of sale. This will take money out of the pockets of Toni Morrison and John Updike and other serious authors who should not want their names associated with a publisher who would put hate between hard covers and celebrate it as a bestseller.

And now, gentle folk, Anne and her daughter The Heir are off to the Event of the Year: The Fairy Ball at the Castle in Berkeley Springs! We are so excited to visit the Sacred Spring, to conduct a protective prayer at our precious dry branch, Terrapin Run, and to commune with all the gods and goddesses of Earth, Air, Fire, and Water!


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Godless. We like that here at "The Gods Are Bored." And sad to say, the text of "Godless" goes downhill from the title.

Alas, alas for you, Lawyers and Pharisees, hypocrites to an Ann! Our gods have too much dignity to smite you with boils, but mark my words, they are sorely tempted.

FROM ANNE -- E -- E -- E
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
HOMEWARD BOUND, TO A FABULOUS BALL!