Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Is your deity an effective parent? Better check with Dr. Laura.
Next to Rush Limbaugh, I think Dr. Laura is my favorite radio moron. With just six little words she has destroyed a generation:
"I'm the mother of my child."
Can't see any flaws in that statement until you stop using it literally and start hanging baggage all over it.
Okay, all you geezers out there. Close your eyes and think back to your childhood school days.
Did you have birthday parties in class where a well-meaning mom brought Dunkin Donuts for everyone? Did you have lavish parties on the Christian holidays (Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day) and the pagan ones too? (Halloween) Were these mom-run parties laden with home-made cupcakes and goodie bags stuffed with Tootsie Rolls?
Okay, geezers. All together now: "My Stay-at-Home Mom Never Came to School Unless I Punched the Teacher in the Eyeball."
That's because she was operating in the pre-Dr. Laura days. She was still your mother, but you weren't the Center of the Universe Around Which All Else Flows.
We've got an epidemic of childhood obesity. Hasn't anyone connected this to the overzealous, Dr. Laura-addled Desperate Housewives out there who want to make school memorable by turning every holiday into a lard-fest?
Okay, geezers. All together now: "When it was my birthday at school, the other kids sang to me. Then we all sat down and did math."
Okay, geezers. All together now: "On St. Patrick's Day, we wore green and maybe learned something about Ireland."
How did we survive with such selfish, uncaring mothers? Imagine a world with no doughnuts in school on birthdays! A Valentine's Day without a huge, heart-shaped cake!
And the absolute cruelty. The horror! We had to eat our school lunches because that's all the food we got during the day!
Our mothers tried to kill us, Dr. Laura. Thank goodness you came along in time to remind all mothers everywhere that they've got to wait on their little darlings and anticipate every need.
And thank goodness you've put to an end that horrible childhood ritual of playing spontaneously in the neighborhood with the other kids and their dogs! Imagine children just running around, with no coaches and audience!
Dr. Laura, you've changed everything. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go help my next-door neighbor shove her kid through the front door. They're just back from quality time soccer practice, where the kid warms a great deal of bench.
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS