Friday, March 03, 2006
Buzzard Worship for Dummies: Your Friends in Time of Need
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" If you're just joining us for the first time, well, how-do! If you've got religion, we aren't picky on what kind, as long as no one gets hurt and you don't stain the furniture.
Anne pleads with you: The faeries have stolen her all-time favorite piece of clothing. That would be her authentic El Paso Buzzards hockey jersey. The El Paso Buzzards have folded, and the jerseys are no longer available. So please ask your god or goddess to help Anne find her shirt! Anne knows it was in her bottom drawer. And now it's gone.
The perils of living with faeries. They're mad about these buzzard posts.
But poo-poo to the faeries! They aren't the only kids on the block. Onward and upward with Thunderbirds we go!
Have you ever driven by a humongous landfill and seen the cloud of buzzards floating above it? Florida is optimal in this respect.
Have you ever smelled something really, really nasty, discovered it to be a dead deer, and looked an hour later to find more than a dozen buzzards scarfing it down?
Ever think about these avian marvels and what they do for us, and how they were Intelligently Designed for their important task?
Gosh, if you could just isolate the turkey vulture from every other living thing, you could make an air-tight case for an Intelligent Designer. To wit:
1. Buzzards are bald because they cram their heads into carcasses. It's easier to clean skin than feathers.
2. Buzzards have two enzymes in their stomachs that humans lack. These are putrescene and cadaverine. (Imagine the scientist who discovered these gems!) The enzymes enable buzzards to eat rancid food that would kill other creatures, including us.
3. Buzzard parents are quite devoted, and buzzard chicks have a long "childhood" in which they remain with their parents. Buzzards do not breed every year since they have to nurture chicks for such a long period.
4. Buzzards mate for life. It's called pair-bonding. They can live to be 75 years old.
5. I have it on first-hand authority from a bird trainer for Hollywood films that buzzards of any species are the easiest birds to train. They can be made into household pets if you start early enough. They quickly learn any routine that ends with a hearty meal. (Unlike goats, who focus too quickly on the hearty meal.)
5. Buzzards generally get along with one another except when squabbling over a carcass. At landfills this is not an issue. There's plenty for all.
Bringing us to our most important observation:
6. The scientific name for Turkey vultures is Cathartes aura. That means "Golden Purifier." Repeat after me: "Golden Purifier."
Sounds bloody angelic, doesn't it?
Buzzards take the mountains of disgusting waste we humans produce every day and turn it into fertilizer, which they discreetly drop in the woods or on rocky outcroppings that only the most intrepid hikers can reach. Without them, the globe would probably already be so thoroughly warmed that palm trees would be growing on the flanks of the Matterhorn, amidst stinking piles of dead animal and garbage.
So the next time you see a buzzard, offer a hearty "thank you" for services rendered.
And if you feel this genera of fowl deserves more than just passing gratitude, by all means feel free to revere the Gallant Golden Purifier! So what if those Krishnas on the other side of the street think you're weird! This is America, and if you want to worship buzzards, you've got that right. It's in the Constitution.
Our operators are standing by to take your call.
Tomorrow, time permitting: The Essential Buzzard Worship Ritual
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
If anyone has an El Paso Buzzards hockey jersey, name your price!