Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Dough Boy on a Diet
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" It's garden season. Would you go out and plant one little pansy in your border, and leave the rest empty? Of course not! Then why settle for one god, when you can plaster pansies from one end of your border to another? Bored gods are plentiful, beautiful, and cheaper by the flat.
Before I write another word, I have to note something. My days of practicing the old golf swing during gusty thunderstorms might be over.
God Almighty has found this site, and he's keen to smite! See what I mean? As busy as He is, He's still trying to keep the bored gods from signing union cards and becoming a force to be reckoned with. Divide and conquer.
It's hard not to welcome God Almighty, however, since his site is so funny. And we're all about funny here.
Today's topic: Another Rant on Popular Foods!
What does this have to do with polytheism? Not a doggone thing. Sorry.
About a month ago, I read that the Pillsbury company, in its infinite concern about America's obesity epidemic, decided to change its advertising.
Pillsbury has put the Dough Boy on a diet.
You know the Dough Boy. He's that pudgy little lump of dough who giggles when you press his belly. He wears a baker's cap and a cute little kerchief, and he doesn't have fingers.
Yesterday my daughter The Heir and I went on a fact-finding mission at the local supermarket.
The one picture of the Dough Boy we could find showing his whole body did indeed supply proof that he's studying at the Lindsay Lohan School of Health and Nutrition.
But it gets worse.
Go to the dairy section of your local store. Find the shelves packed to the plimsol line with Pillsbury baking products. You know. Those Crescent Rolls. Cinnamon Rolls with Icing. Single-Serve Biscuits. Cookies. Cookies. Cookies.
(Oh, God Almighty! I'm suddenly starving! I need a Tab!)
Where was I? Oh yes. The packaging on Dough Boy products. Look closely. He's hiding behind his foods! For real! On some of the products, all you can see is his head sticking out from behind the luscious biscuit. On others, he's waving his fingerless hand. But nowhere does he reveal his full figure!
Well, all fine and good if Pillsbury has found some magic way to lower the fat content of its delicious slice-and-bake foodstuffs. But no. They're still lavished with the same old lard-laden ingredients.
The only way you're gonna get thinner while eating Crescent Rolls is if you shape one into the Pillsbury Dough Boy and then only eat the head.
And if you can do this, you're a stronger person than me.
THE MERLIN OF THE DAIRY AISLE