Monday, December 26, 2005

Wake Me Up When It's Over!

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Were your farm animals passed over and someone else's used in the big mega-church Christmas pageant? Talk to us about it.

Our downsized deities would be thrilled to feature your mangy donkey in their worship services! They've been scraping by on squirrels and pigeons, maybe the occasional blue jay. They are seriously ready for real hooves and a HEE HAW.

Here at "The Gods Are Bored," we feature a goat judge named Anne whose prized 4-H cloven-hooved herbivores always took feature billing in church plays big and small.

While Anne became mightily tired of church pageants, she's never lost her deep love for goats. Know why? Each goat strives to be an individual, and each church pageant strives to look exactly like last year's.

Maybe it started as far back as 1991, maybe more recently, but Anne began asking herself, "Why am I standing here again, holding a little white candle, while the husband-and-wife tenor/soprano duo sings "O Holy Night" again? That same singing team has presented "O Holy Night" every Christmas Eve since 1987, maybe even longer.

It's like hearing Mick sing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" for the twentieth time, watching him strut across the stage like some geriatric rooster. At some point you say to yourself, "What exactly am I doing here? Why did I rush to fill this pew?"

This cake is stale.

However, on Xmas Eve, Anne found herself in the last pew in the balcony of a posh Methodist church, decked to the plimsol line with poinsettias and aglow with so many candles that the fire marshall must have been having palpitations.

Perhaps on account of their ages and the bizarre nature of Anne's religious paradigm changes, Anne's young daughters still help out at the Methodist church sporadically. Needless to say, they were much in demand as acolytes for the 8:00 service. All the good Christian kids wanted to do the 10:00 service. Because of course everyone knows that Jesus drew his first breath between 10:00 p.m. and midnight on December 24, 0.

To make a long story short, Anne discovered that Xmas Eve services move along much quicker if one falls asleep during "O Come All Ye Faithful" and wakes up to the last strains of "Joy to the World."

Poor Tom Sawyer would have benefitted from such a clue, eh?

However, the daughters were supposed to be deeply engaged in the proceedings, behaving themselves somewhat upon the order of Palace Guards to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II.

They didn't. At least, The Spare didn't. The Heir is in high school. She just nodded. The Spare is 11. She fidgeted and chatted with the other 2 acolytes (there were 4 in all, reader -- shoved into a pew built for 2).

Somehow, over the din of a brass ensemble, a 100-voice choir (including the two show-stoppers mentioned above), a harpist, and four pastors with mics, someone noticed the acolytes were talking and fidgeting.

Some good Methodist church lady took time out of her busy Xmas Eve schedule to scold The Spare and the other talking acolytes. This church lady told The Spare, "I'm going to have a word with your mother about this. I'm sure she'll punish you!"

Apparently The Spare pointed at the rafters, where a church lady with really good eyesight could see Mama Anne fast asleep and drooling like Homer Simpson with too many Duffs in his maw.

The Spare then botched the Recessional. Exit Anne, Heir, and Spare out a convenient side door, for the much more exciting and uplifting portion of Xmas Eve -- cruising around looking for over-the-top Xmas decorations on houses.

Anne is still waiting for the Conduct Report from the Acolyte Committee of the Stepford United Methodist Church. Golly, why does a watched pot never boil?


Homer Simpson is wholly owned by Matt Groening, whose "Life in Hell" books are a must-have for the truly complete bored god library.


Scott said...

So you are raising a bunch of Heathern up there??? Good for you....!!! Did you punish or reward the Spare and Heir?? Did you make sure to drool in the hymnal like any self respecting heretic would?? If not, you must return and do so immediately on pains of having to repeat the pew sitting.
I have been working dilegently on my were-fly abilities for just such an occasion,, damn I wish I could have seen you... too funny. Maybe you should make the Church ladies think that you have a closet made up to punish the Spare,, that looks like the one in the Stephen King Movie 'Carrie'. You are better than me, I couldn't have even fell asleep in one of those pews.

PS: what happened with the Ecumenical service,, did you not show in the Druid robes? I understand if you didn't but want to hear details if you did.......

Anne Johnson said...

The ecumenical service was rained out. There will be other opportunities. Since this is a small town, it will soon become common knowledge among the Church ladies that Anne's karma has run over her dogma.

Anne Johnson said...

PS - I rewarded the Spare with a shopping spree and reminded her for the 150th time that she's helping at that posh church of her own free will and not because I say she has to.

Athana said...

Church Lady certainly does get around, doesn't she? Last I checked she was a member of my old church, but I think she finally got that church cleaned of fidgety acolytes, and so undoubtedly felt moved to sweep the country looking for other churches in need of her acolyte monitoring services. Bless her heart.