Position Description Questionnaire
Name of position: Editor in chief, "The Gods Are Bored."
Purpose of position: To assess, define, and examine deities. To weigh deities in the balance and find them worthy of praise and worship teams, or insufficient for religious devotion. To determine the eligibility of laid-off deities for reinstatement, given the requirement that they not join a union.
Necessary tools for position: A computer, a magic wand, a valid email address, vulture feathers, and eyeglasses.
Briefly describe your duties: As above, commenting on ancient and modern gods and goddesses, filtering observations through a pyramid of current events of a personal, global, and national nature.
Briefly describe your special talents for this position: Ability to see the humor in most, but admittedly not all, dark situations. Propensity to pray about dark situations that possess no humor. Typing = 70 words per minute. Knowledge of internet, Microsoft Office programs, goat breeding and hygiene.
Briefly state how you might improve yourself and hence your ability to perform duties: I could eat more vegetables.
Briefly state your education and how it pertains to the position: Graduated from Billy Bob Agricultural University, degree in animal husbandry, specializing in goats. Significant post-graduate experience as goat judge and observer of water fairies in West Virginia. Some credentials do not apply to position, others add a bias to assessments. But please don't fire me!
Are you now, or have you ever, been solicited to join a union? Sadly, no.
Are you now, or have you ever, been a member of a mainstream Christian church? Sadly, yes.
Any health difficulties we should be aware of: Allergy to poison ivy, bursitis, carpal tunnel syndrome.
Are you now, or have you ever, sought medical help for these health problems? Sadly, no.
If this position involves travel, are you willing to spend your own money to undertake it? Isn't that the way things work today? Alas, yes.
Are you willing to work as much and as long as your duties require, or do you adhere to a 40-hour work week? What's a 40-hour work week? This isn't Sweden.
Summarize your mission with this company: I feel that, far from being a one-shot deal, god-wise, the Other Side offers a vast cornucopia of deities and their heavens, and that a smart individual optimizes his or her chances of hitting at least one heaven by showering numerous heavens with resumes.
Expect layoffs, salary cuts, and increased work load.
Of course. It's the New American Way.
Respectfully submitted this 6th day of December, 2005,