Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," your first and last stop for practical polytheism! Remember, if you can't be with the god you love, honey, love the god you're with!
This is "Save the Arctic Week" at "The Gods Are Bored!"
Do you love polar bears? I don't mean those poor bored ones at the zoo, swimming in their too-small pool just waiting for a human to jump in and join them so they have something to pull apart. I mean the ones living on ice floes.
Ice floes that are melting.
The godless, liberal, homo-loving, kitten-killing newspaper says that in 100 years there won't be anywhere for polar bears to live. These suckers depend on those frozen barges to get around. And the barges are starting to look like ice sculptures the day after the big champagne brunch.
But of course, global warming is a myth. Right? Right? Right? Right?
This week our guests on "The Gods Are Bored" are two awesome and marvelous gods from the Arctic: Sedna and Negafook.
Stop snickering about that last name! I know it sounds like a Scottish punk band, but have some respect. You disrespect the Inuit god of snow, you're likely to find your SUV in a snowdrift during a blizzard. I only have this on the word of someone it's happened to, but those behemouths can't get out of snowdrifts any better than my little economy Ford.
So with awe, reverence, and humility, we welcome Sedna and Negafook! All hail the bored gods!
Sedna: Thank you.
Negafook: I'm so doggone hot. Turn the heat down, will you?
Anne: If only I could. I love snow.
Negafook: My praise and worship team has twelve different names for snow.
Sedna: Yes, we don't like to brag, but our praise and worship team (those few that are left) have always shown a great deal of initiative and imaginative use of their natural surroundings.
Anne: Well, you know that we here at "The Gods Are Bored" stridently oppose drilling in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge. We're on record with our elected officials to do everything they can to keep it from happening. Sedna, Negafook, this is your opportunity to rain curses on anyone that defiles the home of your praise and worship team.
Sedna: We don't work that way. We're not vindictive. Only sad.
Negafook: Yeah. Poor Sedna. When they name a planet after you, you know you've got no chance of ever regaining the day job.
Sedna: They did name a planet after me. Now they say it's not a planet. Just a cold round rock orbiting the sun, somewhere west of Pluto.
Negafook: Sounds like a planet to me.
Anne: Me too.
Sedna: Whatever it is, you can rest assured it's not being assailed by greenhouse gases and by greedy, short-sighted oil barons.
Negafook: Hey, Sedna, I just thought of a curse that we can live with, because it won't really come from us.
Sedna: Let's hear it, friend of my heart.
Negafook: If the so-called "moderns" rape the Arctic Wildlife Refuge in even a small degree, their own descendants will revile them for having misplaced priorities.
Sedna: Nothing like being detested by your great-great-grandchildren.
Anne: Agreed. Time to wrap up for today, but we'll let you two awesome gods have the floor as long as you like.
Sedna: Thank you. Can I have a glass of ice water, please? And a fan?
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
This site dedicated to the memory of Pierre da Bologna, freedom fighter