Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Warmer...Warmer...Really Warm...Hotter...HOT!

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," your first stop for theological diversity! We are an equal opportunity worship site, admitting all gods. We take the big popular ones, sort of the Donald Trumps of the celestial sphere, and the lesser known ones as well, sort of the laid-off garment workers of the celestial sphere. Of course, being pro-union ourselves, we find it hard not to discriminate. But hey. We do our best.

This just in: Weather report from Poseidon (a.k.a. Neptune, a.k.a. Triton):
Two more Atlantic hurricanes are churning simultaneously. The one known as Rita is just sucking up super-warmed water as fast as she can and will go where she pleases. Will we reach Hurrican Zeus this season? It is quite possible.

Another quick bulletin: Please abstain from all Pepsi products until the current labor dispute is settled. If you've never tried Coke, this is the time. The author of this commentary strongly recommends against trying Tab. One can and you'll be scouring the countryside for the stuff. And that will make you just like Anne - a Tab Hunter! Oh, those damned pink cans! Addiction in aluminum!


We return to our dialogue with the awesome gods of the Arctic, Sedna and Negafook. Sedna is the goddess of the Inuit peoples, and Negafook is the god of snow. And if you don't believe in a god of snow, you've never been out in a blizzard without mittens.

It was Baltimore, 1983, when Anne first prayed to the god of snow. The prayer went something like this: "OH GOD, THIS BLIZZARD IS FREEZING ME ALIVE! HELP ME GET THESE GROCERIES HOME!"

Negafook (to Anne): You didn't know my name then. Of course, if you'd screamed it out loud that day, you'd have had plenty of company. There are times when a name like "Negafook" is akin to being a football player named "Boomer" or "Boobie" or "Juice." You just hear a couple hundred thousand people scream, "F*&%&#$!" and you figure they're calling on you.

Anne: Negafook, do you and Sedna plan to attend the "Save the Arctic" events in Washington, DC this week?

Negafook: We wouldn't set foot in Washington, DC if it would guarantee another Ice Age.

Sedna: Completely godless place, Washington, DC.

Anne: Godless? But you'd be hard-pressed to find a single elected official who would say they didn't believe in God.

Sedna: And you'd be harder pressed to find one that actually walks the walk.

Anne: You're preaching to the choir. I've been to Washington, DC, and the first thing I think they ought to do there is help all the poor people. I can't think of another city where the difference between the "haves" and the "have-nots" is more stark. But we're forgetting our topic. What can we do to save the Arctic?

Negafook: The Antarctic isn't looking too good either.

Sedna: All cold places are getting warmer.

Mr. Applegate (offstage): Yeah, I used to be up to my keister in ice. Now it's down around my knees!

Anne: Who let you in? Beat it! You scared my husband!

Applegate: I didn't scare your husband. Some nasty nun did that job decades ago.


Negafook: Anne, we appreciate your concern. But the problem isn't just the drilling for oil. It's the global warming and the population pressures.

Sedna: Yes, in the short run the human race is making a mockery of the globe. But if you view things in eons and epochs, the ice will return.

Negafook: You're right, my dear. And we can either wait that out and hope for a better intelligent species next time, or we can pack up and find a new planet.

Sedna: The one named after me might be ready for life in a couple billion years, when the sun goes into Supernova.

Negafook: That's encouraging.

Sedna: Ah, but our lovely people. And the polar bears. The tundra swans. The snowshoe hares. The selkies. How I'll miss them all!

Negafook: I'll even miss the lemmings. Why they dive off cliffs and commit mass suicide while the human race doesn't, I'll never know.

Anne: Our time is up for today. Sorry for the interruptions.

Sedna: Thank you for having us, but it's so warm where you live. I'm not sure how much longer we can stay. My necklace is melting.

Anne: Seriously, is there anything we can do to save you and your praise and worship team?

Negafook: Stop burning so much fossil fuel. And stop sending those clueless Christian missionaries! They make our kids want "My Scene" dolls.

Till tomorrow,


This site is reverently dedicated to Pierre da Bologna.

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