Help Wanted (Non-Union)

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we look for design flaws in the Intelligent Universe!

I'm a goat judge, not a poet. So I apologize in advance for the following doggerel. I wrote it myself, so there's no one else who should be embarrassed.

The universe sprung from God's hand
He designed it, the sea and the land
So go tell your mommy
That last spring's tsunami
Was what the Designer guy planned.

Okay, here's how it stands. Tomorrow a court case starts in Dover, PA about a disclaimer science teachers are supposed to read to classes before teaching evolution.

The disclaimer, richly paraphrased, is something like this:

"If you take a test on evolution and get an 'A' you'll pass this class. But of course you'll go to hell when you die. So choose wisely."

Pardon me for saying this, but evolution is not a theory. It is a proven scientific fact. Long before these fancy genome projects came along, we students at Billy Bob Agricultural University (BBAU) had to do fruit fly experiments that clearly show how traits from one generation are translated to the next. (You use fruit flies for this because their kids grow up so fast. I wish I was a fruit fly sometimes.)

Now we have fancy-pants mitochondrial (sp?) DNA and genome profiles that clearly show how closely related we are to chimps, and how not-so-distantly related we are to pandas.

Could all of this have been Intelligently Designed by some unnamed Intelligent Designer? Sure! But what a putz that Designer was! Didn't the Designer have any sense where to draw the line? Why not an Intelligently Designed universe where no living thing has to eat another living thing? Was that past the abilities of the Intelligent Designer?

I'm all for firing this planet's Intelligent Designer and reviewing resumes for a new one. Who's with me on this?

WANTED: INTELLIGENT DESIGNER

(No Unionized Workers Need Apply)

Must be able to design a universe that runs flawlessly and eternally. Must create species that live in harmony and have no need to eat, defecate, or alter their environments. Must provide hard scientific evidence of the mechanism of Intelligent Design, rather than relying on undermining competing, provable scientific facts. Must provide hard scientific proof of a spiritual afterlife.

REQUIREMENTS

Bachelor's or advanced degree in Universe Design with proven track record of stable planet development. References from other Intelligent Designers a must.

SUBMIT RESUME AND REFERENCES TO:

Planet Earth
Milky Way Galaxy
attn: Lady driving with a cell phone at her ear and a lit cigarette in her other hand.

FROM ANNE
BARELY INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO RUN A COMPUTER
DESIGNER OF NOTHING IN PARTICULAR

I wonder if Pierre da Bologna would be proud of me.