Step Outta Line, The Man Comes and Takes You Away

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" We're easy like Sunday morning. And you know which Sunday morning we mean. The one where you don't have to get up, dress to the nines, and rush off to church!

This week we've had a little series going. We're slogging through a book called Deliver Us from Evil: Putting a Stop to Occult Influences Invading Your Home and Community, by Cindy Jacobs. Today's installment is Chapter Four: "The Witch Next Door."

Cindy Jacobs doesn't like witches. According to her, Wicca is a construct of a slick Madison Avenue con job, and if you don't watch out, witches will curse you. Oh yeah, and Wicca is responsible for all the abortions occurring in America today, because the dead babies feed their demon leader.

Whew. This is one lady I would not like to have over for tea and scones.

The following is a true story.

When I finally could no longer ignore the voices of the Ancient Ones, the deities who had been silenced by the great Christian oligarchy, I had an epiphany and embarked on a new path. I can literally pinpoint the day when I dedicated myself to the bored gods. It was August 30, 2004.

Oh, it was a long time coming, but when it came, it came with an absolute finality. I could feel Queen Brighid the Bright put her hand on my shoulder and say, "King Arthur calls to his people. You are among them."

Within a week of this epiphany, all hell broke loose in my life. I lost the job I'd held (and loved) for 20 years. (The loss had nothing to do with my change of faith.) My beloved dad was clearly dying. And I started limping. A misery in my hip.

The limp has become so severe that I finally got it diagnosed. Eeeesh. Ugly-assed x-ray. Gonna need a new hip socket in 5-10 years, when the bone rubbing against the bone has become so excruciating I can't stand it anymore.

All of this made me wonder if that jealous Yahweh had cursed me for stepping outta line.

No one much follows the Old Testament anymore. You know, stuff like "you shall not suffer a witch to live." If Christians follow their book to the letter, my sister would have to murder me in cold blood.

But Cindy Jacobs tells us on page 73 of her paperback that when Jesus entered the mix, he sort of put the nix to these extreme actions. Real Christians pray that Pagans will come to Christ like good little middle schoolers getting to class on time.

The Salem trials and other burnings? Oh, that's so centuries ago. These modern Christians like Cindy are expected to pray for us sinners and to love us, and to bring us pies. Because God is cursing us. And this isn't the Old Testament God, the smiter of Philistines. This is the New Testament incarnation. Here's Mrs. Jacobs's scriptural proof:

"But even if we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel to you than what we have preached to you, let him be accursed."

(Galatians 1:8)

Thanks, Cindy, for pointing out that God still has his petty jealous streak intact even after torturing his son.

So, for the first time in years, I am about to pray to Yahweh.

Dear Sir:

Wow, you are so not nice, going around cursing quiet, tax-paying ladies just because they love Queen Brighid the Bright. When did Queen Brighid the Bright lay a curse on one of yours? Never, that's when! She even slid to the sidelines for awhile so you could set up shop. I'm glad she's back.

Bad deity, bad! No cursing nice ladies! You think that advances your case? NOT.

And while I'm at it, let me just say that I wouldn't consign the smallpox virus to eternal damnation. Nothing deserves your hell, not even the world's most notorious killer.

If you would like to find a deity who will not curse you, a sweet Goddess or kind, nurturing Daddy God who really understands parental love, run -- don't walk -- to the New Age section of your local Barnes & Noble.

Of course, as always, our operators are standing by to take your call. Bored goddess top tips! Herbal remedies for bum hips! God is mean -- read my lips!