Tuesday, April 08, 2008

It Starts When You're Always Afraid

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," published with the support of viewers like you! NPR - National Pagan Righteousness! Be good, be careful, and be happy. And don't be afraid to take the last chocolate brownie on the plate. How's that for swell advice?

I would be remiss if I didn't thank Yellowdog Granny for all the nice things she said about me and all the great new readers she's sent my way! I like Granny as much as she likes me, because she's not afraid to write out what I often think to myself and keep in my brain for the few times when I need to explode with expletives. (It has happened.) So thanks again, Granny. I have asked the bored gods to give you a great garden this year.

Here at "The Gods Are Bored" this week we've been perusing a book called Deliver Us from Evil, by Cindy Jacobs. Mrs. Jacobs is a Christian prophet and is very concerned about occult influences on good Christian folks who might not be prepared to fight them.

I know you've heard of astral projection, but have you ever heard of astral sex? Oh yes, you have, I guess, because some of those poor witches burnt at the stake back in the day were accused of doing it with demons.

Now you might think that such superstitious stuff fell out of fashion about the time when Galileo proved that the Earth moves around the Sun. Think again.

You know those torrid dreams you have about the gorgeous hunk/chick you see at the health club? Turns out that hunk/chick is astrally projecting into your dreams and having real sex with you! And since all of this is inspired by Satan, astral sex is also responsible for those dreams you have in which you're ... emmmm ... doing things that might be a bit over-the-top for the ol' boudoir. Some demon is sporting with you while you're asleep, and you're waking up and feeling really really grimy.

But wait. That's not all. When you wake up, you want to do some of those grimy things in real time. So you go out looking for someone other than the devoted Christian spouse sleeping next to you who only fantasizes about you, and only during sex! Wow. You are in such a bind! Damned sex demons! They want you to lick Smuckers strawberry jam off your next door neighbor's thigh! They made you dream about it, didn't they? And your neighbor must want the jam, because he/she astrally projected and got you riled in your dreams...

I feel so sorry for the people who take Cindy Jacobs seriously. Really I do.

It stands to reason that the more mundane your sex life is, the more you're going to be ... emmm ... dreaming about weird stuff. And the more uptight you are about the weird stuff, the weirder it's going to be. Go ahead. Blame it on demons. It's really only you, stuck in a wacked religion. Your subconscious is gonna rebel, sinner man.

I bought Deliver Us from Evil at a Christian used bookstore. So it came to me as a used book. And there's just a little bit of yellow highlighting in the book. In fact, only one little prayer is highlighted in yellow.

"In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, I break all the power of all sexual spirits that were sent against me in the night. I command you in the name of Jesus to be gone from me. Father, I now ask that You cleanse me from all the defilement that has come from this demonic attack. In the name of Jesus. Amen."

Whoever owned this book before me had some troubles in the wee small hours of the morning, when the whole wide world is fast asleep.

For the love of fruit flies. The entire Greek pantheon is howling with laughter. Hey. Have some sympathy! The human race is in sexual recession, and you think that's funny?

Gosh, the next time Johnny Depp astrally projects into my dreams, I'm gonna see that he leaves his autograph on the bed table. That would be a win-win situation.

19 Comments:

At April 08, 2008 , Blogger Emily G. W. Lilly said...

Through this whole series, I've been alternating between howling with laughter and staring in dumbfounded disbelief. Once again, I have done both. I, personally, don't have the stomach to read books like this one, so I truly do appreciate the summary that you have been providing!

For someone who is a hell-bent evangelical christian, Ms. Jacobs sure does sound like a new-ager! I mean, it's usually only folks on or near the pagan fringe who believe that dreams are real interactions, between people who are simultaneously in the REM state, out there together in the ether. You add that to her notion of how her sort of "prophet" is the "good" kind, while the pagan seers are "evil", and we have to face a very basic fact about human psychology:

People who are loudest in decrying something are actually that something. Like the most famously evil Inquisitioner (Torquemada)--who was raised Jewish, and converted to avoid repression--who then went on to violently repress others. Like my husband's uncle, who follows staunchly conservative social values (and quite loudly proclaims his views to the world) and is clearly in the closet. This sort of thing happens over and over again. I would postulate that Ms. Jacobs had some true blue psychic and/or clairvoyant experiences, and is in total denial, so she has become a bible-thumping looney-toon.

Methinks the lady doth protest too much...

 
At April 08, 2008 , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

i am going to find that book, make a nice fire and toss it in...roast some marshmallows off it...sigh*...you know I hope that woman is medically insane cause if not..she's the dumbest mother fucker that i have come across..
and ....your most welcome...

 
At April 08, 2008 , Blogger miakoda said...

Hi, Anne! Might be the first time I've commented on your blog, but I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your reading this dreck so the rest of us don't have to. Your comments are, as always, entertaining and enlightening. The bored gods must lurv you ... 'specially those giggling Greeks. ;)

 
At April 08, 2008 , Anonymous Angela-Eloise said...

I agree with Emily. And, hey Anne, when you're done with Johnny Depp, can you ask him to project his astral, well you know, over to my house? Thanks ever so much.

 
At April 08, 2008 , Blogger sageweb said...

Oh these are the books my mother read and believed. She got so sucked it. She turns her back on me her own daughter because I got the gay disease.

It is sad people not only believe this stuff they live it and want everyone else to believe it.

Oh and I have had some wonderful Astrally projected dreams... they make me happy.

 
At April 08, 2008 , Blogger Maeve said...

So she's saying that our dream-time sex life is real? Cool!

Hmm... now to figure out how to put in a request...

(I'm howling right alongside the Greek pantheon, lol!)

I'm also going to have to keep an eye out for this book in my thrift shop/yard sale excursions. Every witch's library needs some humor, but no way am I going to buy it new and line this crazy lady's pocket (even if her royalty is only a few pennies per book).

 
At April 08, 2008 , Anonymous Big Tex said...

So if I'm having sex with anime characters in my dreams, is that considered astral hentai? Or do I just need to get out more?

But yeah, Cindy Jacobs needs to get out more. A lot more. I think we should all chip in and buy her an industrial-strength vibrator.

 
At April 08, 2008 , Blogger Evn said...

Okay, this is weird. Last night, I had a no-nonsense dream involving either a) gay porn star Luke Garrett, or b) Top Chef head judge Tom Colicchio; I never got a good look at the guy's face. (Although if it was Colicchio... well, not to NC-17 up this fine family blog, but let's just say we probably shouldn't call him "Top Chef" anymore.)

I chalked the whole thing up to unrealistic celebrity crushes. And yet, here I am, learning that Luke and/or Tom and/or someone who looks like Luke and/or Tom actually has the hots for me!

Thank you, Cindy Jacobs. Thank you from the bottom (ahem) of my heart.

 
At April 08, 2008 , Anonymous Big Tex said...

Added: I think you should find 4 other Anne Johnsons and start yourself a band called the "Anne Johnson Experience." Because I'm all about fucking with people's heads.

LOL at "Top Chef." :-)

 
At April 08, 2008 , Blogger THE Michael said...

And to think I could have been having sex with Heidi Klume in my sleep.......sheesh..........

 
At April 08, 2008 , Blogger Evn said...

Hey, just get Heidi's attention and doze right off.

I mean, hell, if it works for the Fundamentalists...

 
At April 09, 2008 , Blogger Michele said...

the scary thing is that Cindy Jacobs is not the only writer and believer of this stuff... and is in fact (so far) pretty mild compared to the stuff my fundie "charismatic" christian auntie told me. She was told (and believed) that not only were our sexual dreams caused by demons, but every "sinful" THOUGHT was caused by a demon that had gotten inside us!

How long before some seriously scary and convincing person manages to get enough people to believe that exorcism (which my aunt's church practiced) is no longer enough to deal with the demons inside people? That more drastic steps must be taken?

 
At April 09, 2008 , Blogger Anne Johnson said...

Mrs. Jacobs also believes that demons inhabit people. I haven't gotten to that yet. She describes exorcisims she's done. She also believes that bad occult people can curse you, right up to and including "cruciatix."

 
At April 09, 2008 , Blogger tsduff said...

Granny sent me. Man alive, that is one sorry way to spend your sex thoughts... being scared out of your mind that demons are having their way with you... Wow! She sure has one busy imagination I'll give her that.

Your commentary is excellent - great reading.

 
At April 10, 2008 , Blogger Interrobang said...

Last night I had a rude dream about my own boyfriend. He must've been astrally projecting; he lives in England, I live in Canada, and airfare is expensive. Now if only we could figure out how to invent a teleporter...

 
At April 10, 2008 , Blogger Thalia said...

I've been giving this idea a good deal of thought, and have a couple of questions about this sex-dreams-as-astral-projection idea that perhaps Cindy can answer.

1. Are celebrities better at astral projecting than the rest of us? Operating under the assumption that, say, the above-mentioned Johnny Depp shows up in a higher percentage of such dreams than one's next-door neighbor, does that mean Johnny Depp is more accomplished at it? (Astral projection, that is, not sex.) How many people are dreaming about him that way on a given night? How many trips does he have to make? What if two people on opposite ends of the world have sex dreams about Johnny Depp at the exact same time? What does he do then? Are celebrities given special (super-secret) training in these things (again, I mean astral projection, not sex) upon achieving fame? Is there a formula for predicting the frequency of their appearances in said dreams? Something like the coefficient of good-looking-ness multiplied by popularity (say, using movie ticket sales?) that they then have to learn and keep in mind at all times? Celebrities must have very busy schedules!

What happens when you have a sex dream about someone who's already dead, like, say, Harpo Marx? Does he come from heaven to visit you? (Wait, he was Jewish; Cindy probably thinks he's automatically in Hell, right?) Anyway, are you visited by the dead person from the afterlife or a ghost or is it a demon impersonating him?

3. What about dreams of people who are still alive, but are significantly younger in your dream, say, I don't know, Paul McCartney. He was kind of cute back in 1969, what with the shaggy haircut with the white suit and barefoot look. (Though this could fall under #2, I suppose, since there was all that Paul Is Dead stuff once and we still can't be sure.) But still, is someone like that able to change his age when astrally projecting? Or is there a time machine involved?

These are serious questions. Does Cindy know the answer?

 
At April 10, 2008 , Blogger Thalia said...

Dammit, that third paragraph was supposed to be labeled "2." Must have been distracted with thoughts of astral sex with Johnny Depp.

 
At April 11, 2008 , Blogger Anne Johnson said...

Thoughtful questions indeed. My guess is that the Illuminati teach the actors and actresses (and t.v. chefs) how to do astral projection so they can demonically satisfy the lusts of all us ordinary folks.

 
At April 11, 2008 , Blogger Thalia said...

Ah. Should have known the Illuminati were involved.

 

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