Thursday, March 23, 2006

Dr. Annie's Practical Solution to Childhood Obesity

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Is your deity an effective parent? Better check with Dr. Laura.

Next to Rush Limbaugh, I think Dr. Laura is my favorite radio moron. With just six little words she has destroyed a generation:

"I'm the mother of my child."

Can't see any flaws in that statement until you stop using it literally and start hanging baggage all over it.

Okay, all you geezers out there. Close your eyes and think back to your childhood school days.

Did you have birthday parties in class where a well-meaning mom brought Dunkin Donuts for everyone? Did you have lavish parties on the Christian holidays (Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day) and the pagan ones too? (Halloween) Were these mom-run parties laden with home-made cupcakes and goodie bags stuffed with Tootsie Rolls?

Okay, geezers. All together now: "My Stay-at-Home Mom Never Came to School Unless I Punched the Teacher in the Eyeball."

That's because she was operating in the pre-Dr. Laura days. She was still your mother, but you weren't the Center of the Universe Around Which All Else Flows.

We've got an epidemic of childhood obesity. Hasn't anyone connected this to the overzealous, Dr. Laura-addled Desperate Housewives out there who want to make school memorable by turning every holiday into a lard-fest?

Okay, geezers. All together now: "When it was my birthday at school, the other kids sang to me. Then we all sat down and did math."

Okay, geezers. All together now: "On St. Patrick's Day, we wore green and maybe learned something about Ireland."

How did we survive with such selfish, uncaring mothers? Imagine a world with no doughnuts in school on birthdays! A Valentine's Day without a huge, heart-shaped cake!

And the absolute cruelty. The horror! We had to eat our school lunches because that's all the food we got during the day!

Our mothers tried to kill us, Dr. Laura. Thank goodness you came along in time to remind all mothers everywhere that they've got to wait on their little darlings and anticipate every need.

And thank goodness you've put to an end that horrible childhood ritual of playing spontaneously in the neighborhood with the other kids and their dogs! Imagine children just running around, with no coaches and audience!

Dr. Laura, you've changed everything. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go help my next-door neighbor shove her kid through the front door. They're just back from quality time soccer practice, where the kid warms a great deal of bench.

FROM ANNE
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS

7 comments:

Angela said...

I am not a mom and not quite a geezer, but I work with moms who talk about play dates and the pressures of cupcakes at school and soccer practice etc. OK, taking your kids to extracurriculars, sure. My mother took me to dance practice a few times a week, but it had to fit in with her schedule too, and I could only do one activity (dance) not several. Playdates? WTF? Kids should play with the neighbor kids. It sounds like social climbing to me.

Thank you and keep writing. I love reading your blog.

buddy don said...

tiz proof that them gods cums in all the good n evil flavers of the rainbow, so to speak. innybidy that makes eethur dr laura or thar own children thar god makes em a big ole miss take.

dint have no parties whenever i wuz a'growin up. daddy did tell me that ifn i wuz thankin bout goin to collidge, i wood half to git the money fer it my ownself, witch thats jes whut i did n figgerd twuz rite.

thang is, i am still skinny!

thankee fer the lank to wandering hillbilly n as ye know, yer blog is one of my faverts.

Athana said...

Anne - Rush Lintball and Dr. Larva are two of my favorites too.

GOD said...

Jesus often reminds me that MY parenting skills leave something to be desired.

GOD ALMIGHTY says, yeah... well...

Morgaine said...

I loved my birth days at school, cakes and all, but that was back in the days before catsup counted as a vegtable.

Kids are fat because of hormones in the food supply - the meat and the milk they drink at lunch is loaded with them. Cake isn't usually made with transfats, either, though it often contains artificial colors, which are bad, but not as bad as the animal foods.

Oh, well...

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I love listening to Dr. Laura but dog in neavaeh, if a kid falls down and gets hurt she blames the parent for poor supervision. If your child is exposed to something objectionable while playing at someone else's house then it's automatically YOUR fault for not being a more vigilant parent. By her standards your kids have to be watched every freakin second of the day or you lose the title of, 'My Kid's Mom'.

Anonymous said...

You're an idiot. Dr. Laura rocks. You're just encouraging women to NOT be mothers. No wonder you grew up to be such an asshole, you didn't have a good mother looking after you. Loser.