Monday, March 06, 2006
Buzzard Worship for Dummies: Rituals and Practices
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where this week we've been sailing through a crash course on the fascinating topic of buzzard worship.
We've established that many intelligent people on both sides of the Atlantic have worshipped buzzards.
We've established that buzzards offer a strong case for Intelligent Design.
We've established that buzzards perform important tasks that help keep the world a cleaner, safer place for humankind.
Voila! Time to get on to the nitty gritty!
HOW TO WORSHIP BUZZARDS AND/OR CONDORS
1. You should have access to a large field or woodland.
2. Provide your tithe and offerings to the vultures. You know what this means. They don't want money. They want road kill or an equivalent thereof. If you're antsy about stopping on the roadway to pick up that flattened raccoon, then go to the supermarket and purchase ten pounds of spareribs or sausage or potted meat. (This is religion we're talking about - give till it hurts!)
3. Place the offering in the field or woodland. If this is your first offering to the Thunderbirds, it may take a few hours for them to find it. If you do this on a weekly schedule, they'll be waiting for you.
4. Keep your distance from the sacred Thunderbirds so they can enjoy their offering. You may pray to them at this time, but do so quietly. You wouldn't carry on like a maniac in a church, would you? So don't do it here!
5. After turning around three times clockwise and touching your toes twice, recite the following liturgy. Do not deviate from the liturgy at all.
ANCIENT AND HALLOWED BUZZARD LITURGY
Oh, you winged thing
You breath of spring
You make me want to shout and sing.
I love your beak
The way you sneak
Your tail I'd give a little tweak.
No other fowl could be my pal,
No robin, blue jay, nor an owl.
The nightingale, to no avail
I wouldn't even choose a quail.
Your plumes are gray
But what the hey,
That bright red head
Will make my day.
And coo, I'd peck
Your naked neck
My lusty buzzard,
What the heck.
I'll soar above
My rancid dove
And pledge to you
My buzzard love.
An appropriate hymn may be sung at this time. Be sure to greet the other buzzard worshippers with a hearty handshake or hug, if appropriate.
Notice that this ritual has no opportunity for a sermon. If you want to sleep, take a nap at home.
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
Tomorrow: Going to heaven with the buzzards!