Monday, January 02, 2006

Cults for Dummies: Jesus and His Ford Bronco


Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" If you're just joining us, we are the proud sponsors of a web site dedicated to finding meaningful employment, preferably in the form of praise and worship teams, for gods and goddesses who are being overlooked in this so-called modern era.

Today's topic: What Does Jesus Drive?

We've been talking about cults. Re-defining them, so to speak. And the one I'm about to examine has not necessarily achieved cult status yet, because there's no bad press about comet rides or Kool-Aid bashes or people on welfare signing their checks over to the governing body.

Okay, today we're going to get up close and personal to Maitreya, a religious group based in the desert southwest of the U.S.A.

Best to tell this one from Anne's perspective.

Anne has a cousin. We'll call him Ennis. A few years ago he got into Edgar Cayce and had hypnotism and visited all his past lives and all that stuff. Maybe we'll talk about past lives tomorrow.

Somehow this experience led Ennis to Maitreya, and Ennis found a spiritual home. In fact, after one trip to visit Maitreya, Ennis came home and told his dad he'd driven Jesus's Bronco.

Well, I guess that's better than driving O.J.'s Bronco. But the image of Jesus Christ behind the wheel of a gas guzzling SUV out on some Arizona highway just really boggles the mind of this druid. Sorry, but it does.

Like all fresh converts, Ennis has set out to recruit new believers. He's never approached Anne, knowing her to be completely past redemption (having run into her in prior lifetimes, no less).

When it fell to Anne to clean out her dad's spartan flat when he became terminally ill, Anne found a copy of Maitreya's doctrines among her father's paperwork. The document was about the size of a phone book for a town of 30,000 people.

Apparently Ennis had given it to Anne's dad during one of Ennis's extremely infrequent visits to the elderly sick Sunday School teacher.

Anne was too busy throwing out old pots and pans (and worshipping at nearby Berkeley Springs) to give the Maitreya document a run-through. But Anne decided to leave it in the flat for her sister and brother-in-law, the mega-churchers who dedicate their every breath to Father God and His Good Book.

A little symphony for deaf ears, you might say. And sure enough, Sis tossed it in the dumpster with great dispatch.

Anne's father failed rapidly, and one of the things he asked for repeatedly was a visit from his only remaining brother. That would be Ennis's dad, who lives about 60 miles from Anne's dad but doesn't drive.

However, Ennis does drive. A Bronco, of course. Not Jesus's or O.J.'s, but another one.

Although Ennis was with his dad as Anne's dad failed, Ennis could not make the 60 mile highway journey to bring his father to Anne's dad's hospital.

When Anne's dad died, Ennis was en route to an airport 120 miles away, in his Bronco, for a backpacking trip. Anne had to pay for a limo to bring her uncle to the funeral, which she felt was a day late and many dollars short of what could have been.

Needless to say, this did not endear Anne to a Bronco-driving Jesus. Because the real Jesus would have encouraged a nephew to go the extra 60 miles for his dying uncle.

Just the other day, in preparation for this series of enlightening entries, Anne visited Maitreya's web site. And there's nothing but good news for you readers! Maitreya's message is for all mankind, he's trying to unite all the father gods on active duty, and his pedigree linking him to all these father gods is on the site!

Whew! If you think there's a goddess out there, you're going to be able to steer right around that Bronco, even on a tricycle!

Far be it for humble Anne to judge a budding religion, but Maitreya looks like a club for he-man, Bronco-driving backpackers, no threat whatsoever to warm-spring loving, fairy-driven, goddess folk (or even Thunderbird worshippers).

So, Maitreya, rock on with your vision for mankind. We gals will just make casseroles and doilies and gossip about Brad and Angelina.

FROM ANNE
THE MERLIN OF BERKELEY SPRINGS
6 GODDESS/FAIRY STICKERS ON THE BACK OF A FORD ESCORT

3 Comments:

At January 02, 2006 , Anonymous WVMan said...

Thank you Annie,finally a religion I can get behind. How is the "Fund Raising" coming along so far? Have the founders decided between assention or flying saucers yet. I hope not, I`d like to be part of the process. Has their " Pat Robinson " called for the assasination of the CEO of Ford Motor Company yet, citing the discontinuance of the Bronco yet? Oh,one more thing, are cats included in this newfound belief system?
WVMan

 
At January 03, 2006 , Anonymous Rae said...

*GIGGLE* I should show this to my mother...good Catholic girl that she is would just LOVE to hear about a faith that totally gets behind her own :o)

 
At January 05, 2006 , Blogger Athana said...

I say best of luck to these Maitreya dudes. If they can get all those old bearded warrior gods to sit down at one table and play nicely together, it'll be the end of them (as warriors at least) and possibly a new start for the rest of us.

 

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home