Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Do I or Don't I? -- Applegate

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Do you worship a busy god, one that gets 250 million prayers an hour? Do you realize there are really nice gods just sitting around out there wishing for a single prayer? Just one.

Of course you didn't hear that from me. It's highly against my corporation's policy to endorse polytheism. I'd be sacked in an instant if the boss knew. That's why I hide in Anne's blog.

Update on Anne: She's at her husband's side, he's going to be fine. No surgery necessary. He is wrapped in the loving embrace of the god Morpheus (having had no prior history of substance abuse or opiate addiction). He should be home today. That good labor union health policy will take care of the bill.

Me? Don't you know me by now? I'm the guy who gets blamed when lunatics go wild and beat up their wives. A handy scapegoat. I'm also America, if you believe Osama Bin Laden.

Most people call me Satan. You can call me Mr. Applegate. I like that one.

Today's big question: Do I, in the stealth of the night, inhabit pretty, innocent young girls and turn them into monsters who talk backwards and do nasty things with crucifixes?

In short, what's behind all this demonic possession stuff?

Well, in the Middle Ages, when they didn't know anything about Tourette's Syndrome or schizophrenia, they just ... this is getting old ... blamed me. But there are some cases (modern to boot) that defy easy explanation.

And I can't talk about it. It's an inter-office confidentiality thing. If you work in a corporation you'll understand. Some things are only discussed in soundproof conference rooms and are not disseminated even though the entire chain of command.

I will say this in my defense, however. There's ample evidence in the Bible that I am a lesser angel. In short, I take orders. The first order was to go head the satellite office, and my, it does keep me hopping!

So if you want to believe that some sweet little girls get possessed by moi, you must also believe that it's not done by my free will. I signed a contract, and it's a job, and I do what I'm told.

Just so we're clear on that.

Every now and then these movies come out about satanic possession, further damaging my reputation in the celestial sphere, and I frankly resent it. I don't know what bothers me more - some pedophile priest using "satanic possession" as an excuse to fondle a teenager, or some chimp-IQ cretin and his drunken buddies performing a "black mass" in a graveyard in my honor.

All of it can make finding a new job mighty tough for a freelance, roving deity.

My half hour of library time is concluded. I'm glad. The little old lady next to me keeps asking the librarian, "Who let the bunny in?" I guess I do look like a bunny, if you've never seen a photograph of a Northern quoll.

Only my Aussie readers will know what Northern quolls are.

YOURS FROM DOWN UNDER (pardon the double entendre)
MR. APPLEGATE

1 Comments:

At September 14, 2005 , Blogger Athana said...

Thanks for the chuckles, Mr. Applegate. I will carry a mental picture all through the day of the little old woman next to you asking the librarian, "Who let the bunny in?" You must look just precious today!

Tell Anne I'm glad her husband is doing well.

 

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