Friending Sam Hain

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," poking fun with a sharp stick since 2005! Don't want to be skewered? Then don't be a moron! We don't poke nice, smart people. Like you.

Not to be redundant, but here again is my favorite Halloween panel from the infamous Chick tracts. (I don't link to Chick. You can't get there from here.) The last time I posted this I was choosing which of my daughters to offer for sacrifice on Halloween to the dreaded Sam Hain.

Today it occurs to me. Who is this Sam Hain? The folks who write Chick tracts are not at all helpful. All they say is that he's dreaded. No why or wherefore. Just the fax.

Once upon a time, it might have been quite difficult to find the dreaded Sam Hain. Now it's a snap! There are almost 80 Sam Hains on Facebook. Judging by their profile pictures, some of them should be dreaded. There's the guy dressed up like one of those cannon fodder storm troopers in Star Wars. There are about ten who use skulls as profile pictures, one who uses a pentagram, and a handful whose profile pictures are leering jack-o-lanterns.

Oh, for the bygone days when Sam Hain was difficult to locate! Now you can friend him! If you're thinking about doing it, you might try inviting this Sam Hain to your Facebook friend list. Except I don't think that picture could really be Sam Hain, unless John Dillinger worked under a moronic alias.

Is this life imitating pulp Pentecostal tracts?

This is a big country, and certainly some people proudly carry the name Sam Hain. Or Samantha Hain. I found almost a dozen Samantha Hains. They didn't look dreadful. Some were teenagers. Others looked really ordinary, like the gal who sits your kids on movie night.

Considering the fact that the Celtic term Samhain is actually pronounced Sow-wen or some variant thereof, but definitely not "Sam Hain," I personally would be quick to label anyone who took the fictitious name of Sam Hain as a blithering moron. Do better, chump! It's so easy to fabricate a truly creative Facebook moniker!

Take my FB, for starters. I have friends named (in no particular order)

Cordelia Wetspot
Alvin Talking Sweater
Lucy Talking Sweater (Alvin's main squeeze)
Sufficiently Twisted
Jehovah Kadosh
Frater Servitor Lucem (he comments here sometimes)
Corky St. Clair
and
Alex Pendragon (comments here, as above)

I'm not sure what would happen if Jehovah Kadosh and Frater Servitor Lucem sat down for a drink together, but that's not the point. The point is, what kind of boneheads are calling themselves Sam Hain just to sound spooky? That doesn't sound spooky, it sounds ... middle class normal. Straight outta Kansas normal. Taking toll money on turnpike normal.

One final note to all you Sam Hains out there who are trying to be creepers: If it doesn't work in a Chick tract, it sure doesn't work on Facebook. Go to corner. Affix dunce cap. Stare at wall. When the bell rings and school's over for the day, slink back into your mom's basement. And please ... please don't tell me you're also Sam Hain on Farmville. Stupid just doesn't go that low.