Monday, October 26, 2009
Don't Be Hatin' on Buzzards: A Halloween Sermon
Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," special Halloween post for Mrs. B and all her Halloween friends! My name is Anne. I live to laugh. Nothing is sacred to me, because everything is sacred to me! For real. I meditate at the laundromat.
My three regular readers will have heard this sermon many, many times before, but not so lavishly illustrated. All rise, please.
We are gathered here today to give thanks to Vulture. Blessed be the Buzzard!
Halloween is a season where vultures get dragged out as decor. Of course! What do they do but eat dead stuff? Zombies with wings, those ugly old birds.
No, no NO! Bamp! Wrong!
The Latin name for vultures, Cathartes aura, means "Golden Purifier." Would such a fabulous name be wasted on a creepy critter? Of course not! Much maligned by our modern cynics, the vulture -- when examined more closely -- proves to be not just a great bird, but a worthy object of adoration.
Let me put it this way. Did you want to clean up that dead skunk on the roadside just west of your house? How very kind of the buzzards to do it for you! They are Nature's janitors, the willing custodians of all things offal. They are constituted so that they can eat putrid flesh, thus removing it from the ecosystem before it can spread disease. And trust me, friends. These birdies can work fast. They can reduce a full-sized, adult possum to a few totally clean bones and a pile of fur in less than six hours. I've seen them do it! (Don't ask for details.)
The Native Americans called vultures "Peace Eagles." The ancient Egyptians protected the pharaoh's children with images of vultures. What do we do? We trot out ugly buzzard decorations on Halloween. Savages, I tell you. We are savages!
Fortunately, there's a growing respect for Vulture in this new, green era of ours. I myself am the High Priestess of the East Coast Vulture Festival, held the first weekend in March every year in lovely, forward-thinking Wenonah, New Jersey. (That's me in the picture. The sacred regalia weighs 25 pounds.) Nor should we forget the enlightened citizens of Hinckley, Ohio, where they've been having a Buzzard Day in March for decades!
If you consider Halloween the beginning of a new year, make a resolution. Vow right now to have a new and more positive attitude toward those graceful bald birds circling above your house. No, they will not kill your kitten! They exist only to clean up the mess, to eat what we won't, and to entertain us with their brilliant aerodynamics.
Will you dedicate yourself to a better understanding of the humble vulture? Please make this Halloween your first to welcome into your life the Sacred Thunderbird. Golden Purifier. Peace Eagle. All hail the buzzard! Halloween lore no more!
Come see us here any time at "The Gods Are Bored." We are an equal opportunity praise and worship team, dedicated to finding employment for discarded, laid-off, downsized, and nearly-forgotten gods, goddesses, and BIG, BRILLIANT BUZZARDS!
Today, we at "The Gods Are Bored" are offering our own appropriate Halloween giveaway. Leave a comment (be sure we can reach you) to receive three fabulous vulture birthday cards! How very appropriate these are for the elderly relative you always want to remember at birthday time! Winner to be selected based on the nice things he or she says about buzzards, so be creative!